I'm new here- I have been reading, and seeing so many sentences that mirror my life. I've always known something is missing in our 15 year marriage. No emotional connection. I'm an emotional person, H is devoid of feelings. We tried Dr. Phil's relationship rescue. Well, I did anyway. H has ZERO defining moments. He has no memories of feeling any kind of emotions. He can't name the happiest times, saddest, anything.
Of course I put myself into therapy, because after riding the roller coaster of depression and loneliness so long, I knew (and he knew) for certain that I'M the problem. We're both very comfortable with ME being the problem. I've tried every antidepressant on the market through the years, and lost about 1/3 of my hair on the last one, but I keep on trying. My therapist finally told me my husband has ADD about 4-5 months ago. She put this book in front of me and told me to read the first page- it was like reading my own diary.
Brought the book home- husband couldn't deny it. He took the quiz and aced it (and not in a good way). I can't believe I was naive enough to think he'd pursue treatment. He's never followed through on anything. Went from yes, I'll be treated, to no, I don't agree with medication. Funny, he agreed heartily with medication when he thought I needed it!
But what has me in tears today is that I just realized that if I stay, my kids will NEVER have met me. They will never know who I am outside of this. They'll only ever know me as a non-add spouse. And I don't like her very much...
Nothing "good" comes easy in this life....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Whitsend...The only thing that I've found that has helped me with this "huge difference between us". Is to accept it...And take my focus off the person who isn't willing to work on themselves (denial)...A marriage relationship that isn't a product of two people desiring to love, understand and accept each other (two working) will always be (dysfunctional) unfulfilling....One can never create it...
After about 5+ years of fighting over these huge difference's (been married about 9)...I started learning about acceptance...But, in order to learn about acceptance, I first had to take my focus and place it squarely on myself...(Most difficult thing in my life, still is) My anger, my disappointments, my sin....Until I did that, her add was just my excuse, (my denial) to want to change another human....
It doesn't matter how different we are, or how lonely and abandoned I felt...I had to learn to live MY LIFE, in a calm emotional state. No matter how loud, how messy, how unaffectionate and inattentive she was or is....If I make trying to change her my life's work, (the road I was on) then there isn't enough meds in the US to correct me....
If we didn't need meds to be ourselves before we meet them, then it's a pretty sure bet we don't need them now...What happened to me and what seems to have happened to you (based on this post) is; we lost that person who first met them....We have to do the work to find them again!
There is just an inability to see the big picture of life...to have sustainability for some minds...It makes it difficult to be one with this type person...You never know what you will get from day to day....
It don't matter who it is or what label you place on a person...If the product of their living of life is always (self-absorption) about them and (tunnel vision thinking) and their limited view of life, then you will never be able to communicate with that mind, because it has no ability to hear....
So their reality becomes the next shiny person, place or thing they choose to hyper-focus on...This can happen with any of us, if we allow these distractions from reality to reach Idol status...(all of our time, attention, and care) ....If you are not the shiny thing in these instances, it's a sure bet you will feel abandoned and lonely...No communication or interaction for the spouse....
Changing gears here...Clinically speaking there are real reasons for lack of emotion (or the inability to feel emotion) and the inability to regulate it....Some minds have limited ability to filter thoughts...thus, the Outbursts....Some mind suffer w/ Alexithymia or symptoms of it....thus, seeming no ability to feel or be touched....
Emotional detachment can also be a good thing when a person is living or working in high volatile situations...It doesn't mean you can't feel or experience empathy it just allows for the person to maintain awareness to consider if any reply could be heard or helpful...This is what I'm working on for myself, it's vital for any long term calmness in our communications.....
Blessings
C
C, can I ask you something?
Submitted by dedelight4 on
With the awesome changes and re-focusing you did on yourself, has your wife noticed ANYTHING? Has she SAID anything about this? or tried to connect with you better because of this? or has she stayed the same? just curious. I was asking because I was curious about the ADHD awareness of changes in people that are close to them. They re-act to anger, but do they re-act and respond to POSITIVE changes?
Yes Dede there has been positive change by her...
Submitted by c ur self on
She say's she has noticed...Yes, she has mentioned it, but sparingly, mostly only when it's obvious I'm not going to react to things, that I use to point out or get angry about..For her to give credit to me, means she perjures her ability to blame.
As for as her efforts to connect with me better?...She can be a faithful friend and messy roommate as long as you don't ask her to do anything, And she isn't in hyper-focus mode about a person, place or thing...And, you are willing to comply with her desires...(Which is usually built around things that bring self gratification to her...Which usually involve ignoring the intimate part of our personal relationship, and the responsibilities of our home.
On her off time she will load her schedule up with lunch dates with girl friends from work or church and also loves to run the roads visiting family members who are important to her...(Which is fine, but, there is no balance)...The reason there isn't much balance is because, based on her victim attitude she is offended by being a wife and hates the mundane...
She also will skip her meds much of the time when on off days, lay in bed to midday, then get up with a darkness and depression about her countenance...To battle it she opens all the blinds and leaves the door open also...
When a man or women is offend by their role (hates responsibility) as a spouse there isn't but one thing that will usually happen if they want admit it, and leave...If they stay only out of guilt or security, then in order to feel good about themselves and try to fool others they must make their spouse a target and a bad person...It's the only way to deal w/ appearances and to appease their on conscience for giving no effort...
Some times she tries to engage on a more personal and intimate level if I suggest it....But guilt is a very poor reason to interact w/ your spouse...The context of her words and her attitude during these times is most always victim stuff...Never upbeat or thankful...It's quiet the turn off....House work and sex on any kind or regular bases is like torture for her...
If you want to have fun with her....You can hang out and watch her watch TV programs...She will be civil then and hold her hand as long as you don't ask for the remote or talk during dialog....Simply stated...
But my awareness and ownership of my words, actions is something I need to be accountable for, and something she deserves also...No matter what she is willing or capable of in her mind....Also, I must accept the above realities of my wife's living of life...Then and only then can I not fool myself into ignoring boundaries, or allowing myself to place any emotional attachment on her having any ability for real change....That way when she wants something or when we disagree on an issue that is so personal to her that she starts the profanity and name calling...I know her desire to control and filterless mind just clicked into outburst mode....And I can laugh at her and walk away without taking personal, and hopefully have enough empathy to pray for her....
C
I thing people with adhd (who own their issues and don't live in denial) would be very thankful and very positive, and very aware of positive changes in their mates....
C
I think so
Submitted by Terra on
C, speaking for myself (ADHD distracted), I very much value those who see me as I am, and relate toward me with honesty & affection. I'm profoundly grateful to know a few of such people.
I joined this forum because ADHD is going to factor in any relationship of mine - at the least, because I'm in it. And to better understand how to navigate toward a happy partnership with another ADHDer... as things atand, we're good friends, only. Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I wanted to tell you, "absolutely, yes! You're right." Only thing is, we each have free will - people determined to not understand can keep their eyes (minds) shut tight for a long time. Prayer is a powerful thing, so, let's keep that up. As is real love.
Thanks for your thoughtful postings.
Terra; You speak wisely
Submitted by c ur self on
Free will? When I accept and respect others choice's as their right to exercise their will...Then life can be much more peaceful...But, in my marriage this is difficult!...I get hung up in my mind, and my expectations of what I think a healthy marriage should be producing between the two of us...And when it's not happening I can easily slip into the illusion of thinking I can (control) do something or say something that will produce light (my view) that will shine in to her mind, and change her will...
It doesn't matter if I'm right (facts of the point) or not...I find any time I do this to a level past a soft spoken statement of Love, (and more importantly being an example of that I speak) then I suffer, and others suffer....This pressing into a closed mind comes out my own neediness, and lack of faith to trust Jesus for every part of my life...
Reality *should* teach me to what level I can engage with another human... and the really, really hard part, to recognize, *IF I AM* fit to be engaged...
I read you comment to J, about being a continual learner even into our more mature years :)...I'm sixty, but, I may reverse the ageing process..LOL..No in hope in that of course...not enough ability to laugh at myself...You know Terra, Pride is a terrible thing, But, like you said...The prayers of faith are powerful!
Thank you Terra for your kindness and your comments....
C
I'm not the sparkly object
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, you are on a roll! Again, a very succinct, spot-on perspective.
"she is offended by being a wife and hates the mundane..."
Yes, I have had this thought about H but never saw it put it into words before. H is offended by being a husband and hates the mundane. And me, being the spouse, am the mundane to him. This is so selfish and unacceptable in a marriage I can hardly accept it. But I must...and go on from there.
In my case, a slight twist:
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
In my case, a slight twist: my ex was not offended by being a husband but he was offended by me wanting to be a wife.
PoisonIvy
Submitted by c ur self on
Your comment is very interesting P.I...It's amazing how much conflict happens because a man and his wife have such different ideas of what they feel their roles and their spouse's role should be in the marriage....Not everyone gets there convictions from the same source....
But even if we can come to common ground on the roles, both parties still have to be faithful to it...If a person is unstable and want's to keep changing the roles on the fly to fit selfish thinking, you still have the conflict....
C
Jenna, It is easy to be offended, from both sides of it....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's the same dynamic that happens with Parent's and their Children....We will always offend our children as we teach and correct them in the ways of what it takes to become responsible adults....
An irresponsible spouse; (even though they are adults, and deserve to be respected as such) is one who has no internal convictions (no matter the reason) to be a productive, (working part) loving member of their relationship that requires us to give ourselves to each other in every way....Two being One....( To define..every way:....it is anything it takes to do the work to sustain a healthy life together, full commitment)....The thing that is clear to me is the attitudes of people...responsible people are usually thankful spirited....Irresponsible are usually victim spirited...
So like the immature child who just wants to play...Dad and Mom's work habits offended me...When all I wanted was to be down the road in the back yard football game, riding a horse, Or worse, in a hay loft playing house w/ some girl...
So it's impossible to coexist in any type of mature healthy relationship built on Love and Giving ourselves when it can't happen....
So because we are in the same house, and it's always before our face?....What happens?? The responsible is offended by the irresponsible....And the irresponsible is offended by the responsible...(Parent, Child)....So to break the cycle, and still live in the same house what do we do??
We must accept that we are not a like, nor do we think a like...So if we learn to accept, set boundaries, and be disciplined to the boundaries, we can be wise enough to give our best effort to protect ourselves from the effects of intrusive living....Someone who doesn't have any convictions to not use you up for their own benefit....
This is another thing that is so difficult to accept, no matter what year of marriage you are in......I must do what??? Really??? Are you kidding me??? NO I am not...:)....When a responsible adult separates themselves from being able to be reached by the irresponsible's life style...it makes it much easier to not be impacted on a physical, emotional or physiological level....So if you have to work outside the home, have your own protected accounts, your own insurance, your own retirement...Your own transportation...If you don't share in most of this life's goods for survival, because you can't trust your spouse from abusing it... Then you recognize it, and just do what you must in a responsible way to see to your livelihood....
If we are doing this for the wrong reason's you know it...And most of all God does also....You should never be shamed into unwise decisions because of guilt placed on you by an irresponsible person. A person or spouse who has proven they have no convictions to not take advantage of others....Self absorbed people learn how to be professionals at persuasion...It's their livelihood....
This doesn't mean we don't listen to our spouse or we don't engage where we can in a natural and healthy manner....It just means we don't expect them to think or feel like I might about things...This type of acceptance will allow us to not get emotionally attached in ways were we feel destroyed when they can't be touched....Or when we walk into a room that is destroyed, and they tell you they have been working for hours organizing it.....LOL....OH MY...LOL....c ur self can go to hell in his mind at this point....Or he can walk over and get a hug and kiss...And walk away w/ out a word....To many years I did the former....By Grace I'm leaning to do the latter....
C