I will post this quick since I have got to get out of the house but I am wondering if anyone else has this experience....
I have begun seeing a pattern and it is making me crazy! My fiance grew up in a very "accepting" household and by accepting I mean blind support for anything he wanted to do....I am talking when he was an adolescent here. He even dropped out of high school and his mother though he shouldn't but it was okay so long as it made him happy.
Don't get me wrong, his mother (a mother of 4) obviously loves her children very much and means well. However this woman is soooo increadibly blind to the world around her. I am 100% convinced she is the "source" (genetically) of my fiance's ADHD. Also keep in mind that everyone (not me) is very happy keeping her in the dark and letting her believe what she wants to believe. My fiance has chosen to not tell his parents about his ADHD.
She has openly said that she does not know why any of her children have to leave the house. It actually confuses her. When it comes to my ADHDer, she has taken the stance (and I overheard this...no I was not purpously overhearing) that she "knows he has made a new FRIEND in me and it good to have friends come in and out of his life but eventually he needs to come home and be with his family". And she likes me! Trust me I know this! I want to scream.
That is only a little background though to my point. It seems as if every time he sees her, weeks and weeks of ADHD progress and getting him organized, and AWAY from the excuses he grew up with, after he sees her he comes home and sometimes it's so bad that it is as if months of work has reversed. She is a well meaning woman and I think that when he sees her, she makes him feel so perfect that he forgets about his ADHD progress. He was diagnosed after my suspicions at the age of 27...and once again, his mom nor dad have any clue about his ADHD because although his mom has it, this people live in a world that is not reality.
I know this may all sound confusing and I will answer any questions. I am just wondering if anyone else has a mother-in-law that brings out all the "worst" aspects of ADHD in their significant other?
MOther-in-Law Stopping Progress
Submitted by Cherokee Rose on
Yes...I can related to this a bit. My hubby and I had to move in with my mother-in-law because we could no longer pay the rent out our place when my husband lost his job. We have been there for 2 years now. Because my mother-in-law is OCD (never formally diagnosed but it is OBVIOUS), it makes living between her and her ADD son very difficult. When my husaband leaves things around the house, it annoys her so much that she just goes out and buys sheds for him to keep his things. We now have 2 sheds and one trailor full of my husbands things that he can't seem to keep organized. Instead of providing structure and rules, she just provides more space for him to fill up.
I also have changed our diets (for my husband, 2 year-old and myself) as studies are now showing that better nutrition helps with ADD/ADHD traits and symptoms. My mother-in-law, however, continues to feed my son and her son crap that is processed, even though I have asked her politely to please understand that we now have to eat a special diet to try to help her son (and her grandson who could possibly have ADHD).
When my husband does a financial faux-pas, she tries to cover it up and offers him MORE money for him to spend or she will go out and buy him that new tool that he "needs" (even though he already has 2 of them). It drives me CRAZY. I am in such a hard spot because currently we HAVE to live with her and pay her rent (which is cheaper than the rent we were paying, but still more than low-income housing). I have been on the list for low-income housing now for 2 years, but I am still waiting to hear back. I will be a physician in another 6 years (I am currently in school and work 2 part-time jobs) but until then, we live below the poverty line.
So, yes...I can understand the "mother-in-law not living in the real workd scenario." In my case, it is because my mother-in-law does not LET her son live in the real world. Instead, she seems to try to cover up the problems and glaze over the bumps.
I do believe, however, that telling her about the diagnosis is helping a little bit as she now starts to see the ADD symptoms. I believe she is starting to see that there is a reason to his financial catastrophies, him dropping out of high school, the loss of many jobs, his need to be a pack-rat and his occasional angry outbursts. I would recommend that your mother-in-law (or your father-in-law if he is more reasonable) be told about the diagnosis so they can maybe come onboard and be more helpful. Of course, you will need to talk to your husband about this and make sure it is ok with him that you disclose this information. I believe the more people who know about our loved ones needs who are in our lives, the better. It should not have to be you against the world in trying to help your spouse.
God bless you, and best of luck!
ADHD mother in law
Submitted by Giorgia on
Hello, it's not that easy to find someone who understands a bit how I have been feeling. I found it here though. It is tough. It is tough to experience a certain things in daily communication with your partner who is blind to see how his behaviour affects others. And it's tough to see that when I am trying to communicate that, it is not received well and I get blamed for criticizing. It is taugh to then share a house with his mum, who has I would say in many ways more severe ADHD than my partner. It seems to me that she lives indeed in her bubble of her own thoughts and expectations and her son grew up with that being the norm. Well it's not a norm for me and when I feel my borders are being violated and I act on it I get blamed again. Blamed for not doing exactly how his mother expects. And the fact that the whole family has been adjusting to her style is not healthy in my eyes. They have created a world where the family always acts the best and the others are perceived as idiots. I don't see much space created by her for her own selfreflection. But who I am to blame, everyone should do what works for them. It's just a pitty that I love my boyfriend but I can not play this game of adjusting to the mother's rules all the time. He can't see how programmed his family is. And it makes sense I think they didn't have any other chance to function well and happily if ADHD has not been diagnosed in the family. They do their best! And the whole family is very caring and loving yet blind. And it's indeed hard to be in the middle of the mess and stay happy and sane.
This is my life and it is
Submitted by Hev86 on
This is my life and it is driving me insane. I am so resentful of her for not getting him treatment I don't even want to be around her anymore. His whole life would have been different, and I wouldn't have to pick up the pieces. My MIL is also a good person, the whole family is lovely, but weird. They don't acknowledge or talk about ANYTHING. I find her infuriating and I do not understand or respect her. I know that's awful. You appear to be coping with this far better than me so well done! She seems to think he is perfect despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary. She is an enabler and now I have been given her role of just fixing everything for him and... I don't want it.
You don't have to fix anything
Submitted by adhd32 on
That is up to your spouse otherwise you are enabling him too. Force him to take control by not doing for him. Although he would be late getting treatment he can still change, if HE wants to. Granted, he has probably learned some improper coping skills but those can be replaced with more effective ones if he wants to change. Your MIL is not the enemy. Even if your spouse had gotten treatment in the past, there is no guarantee he would be much different today. Adolescent boys are impossible to convince that they need help and often refuse any discussion regarding their treatment. You can't carry a 14 year old into a Dr's office and make him participate in therapy every month. Some in treatment don't like the medication side effects and stop taking it. Many learn new ways of doing things and revert back to their old ways even though the new coping and organizing methods are improving their life. You might be in the exact same spot you are in right now even if he had gotten treatment.
The past cannot be changed. Concentrate on what can be done today to make the future better for you. Be aware that ADHD never goes away even with treatment, so you have to realistic with what therapy can or could have accomplished in the past.
Thank you
Submitted by Hev86 on
Thank you so much. That is excellent advice and I needed to hear it. I really appreciate that, thank you. Screenshot saved in my phone. Best wishes to you x
You moved into her home
Submitted by adhd32 on
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