"Romance" or Just Paying Attention

I'm teh ADHDer and I'll cut to the chase - I've gotten so busy in life that I've neglected to pay attention to my partner - a familiar story I'm sure.  She says that the only time I pay attention to her is for sex and that I really don't do anything to make her feel special.  I'd tend to agree with her to a point - I do try the little things like always calling her at lunch or send a nice love note text.  But that's it.  I need help . . . I used to be romantic and came up with some good ideas.  However, I am frustrated because my time is limited because I work my main job which has become more stressful lately, a second job on weekends at night, and then there's life during the rest of teh week.  Also, since she's in control of the purse, I have no idea how much money we have, or am always told that things are tight, so there's no surprising her like she's done for me.  I feel like my hands are tied many times, worn out at other times.  Then when she finally gets so frustrated she bursts, I feel like any gesture I do now is just a reaction and not genuine. . . .when that wears off, true to ADHD, my mind goes elsewhere ("Crisis averted, now back to my regular life" or the whole "now, not now" dynamic).  There are other factors in play that I know I'm missing, but I wanted to keep this short and sweet.  Finally, a bit of background - married for 21 years, 3 kids ranging from 8th grade to college. 

So, I'm looking for ideas, suggestions, etc from both sides on what do I do with this, how can I improve, or even just "romantic suggestions" that fit within my time / money constraints.  (BTW, flowers used to be OK, but they just get knocked over by the cat. . . )  Also, other than trying harder, what are some ways to show her that I love her and that I give more attention to her. 

Thanks for any help - and sorry to you ADHD spouses from guys like me.