I'm teh ADHDer and I'll cut to the chase - I've gotten so busy in life that I've neglected to pay attention to my partner - a familiar story I'm sure. She says that the only time I pay attention to her is for sex and that I really don't do anything to make her feel special. I'd tend to agree with her to a point - I do try the little things like always calling her at lunch or send a nice love note text. But that's it. I need help . . . I used to be romantic and came up with some good ideas. However, I am frustrated because my time is limited because I work my main job which has become more stressful lately, a second job on weekends at night, and then there's life during the rest of teh week. Also, since she's in control of the purse, I have no idea how much money we have, or am always told that things are tight, so there's no surprising her like she's done for me. I feel like my hands are tied many times, worn out at other times. Then when she finally gets so frustrated she bursts, I feel like any gesture I do now is just a reaction and not genuine. . . .when that wears off, true to ADHD, my mind goes elsewhere ("Crisis averted, now back to my regular life" or the whole "now, not now" dynamic). There are other factors in play that I know I'm missing, but I wanted to keep this short and sweet. Finally, a bit of background - married for 21 years, 3 kids ranging from 8th grade to college.
So, I'm looking for ideas, suggestions, etc from both sides on what do I do with this, how can I improve, or even just "romantic suggestions" that fit within my time / money constraints. (BTW, flowers used to be OK, but they just get knocked over by the cat. . . ) Also, other than trying harder, what are some ways to show her that I love her and that I give more attention to her.
Thanks for any help - and sorry to you ADHD spouses from guys like me.
I'm laughing at your post....Because it's so real.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Let's set a side the add/adhd for a second....My wife is high level add...(adderall)....And I am probably adhd at some level... (never tested, but, my grown children say I am, and so do others who know me)...But as one husband to another, I will tell you this for sure...It's priority based....She must be number one....:)
It's so easy to forget why we are so busy???.....I don't want to sound self righteous here, so I will close this out...I'm only telling you what I tell myself...We are big boy's, and if we use the way our minds work to cut ourselves slack, or we seek concessions in what we know to be our responsibilities in the marriage relationship...Then we can't expect to have a good one now, can we?
Life is huge circle....There are constant's in that circle....Our creator....Our marriage....Are two that never change.....Children grow and move, Jobs can change, friends etc....
Best of luck !
c
You are looking to create
Submitted by Sollertiae on
You are looking to create intimacy with her again - that does not need money. But it will need some time and you wanting it, so it also needs to play into your interests. She IS part of that life during the week, so include her.
- a friend with ADHD tool a pad of sticky notes, wrote a message on each one ("good morning sweetheart!") and left them in places her partner would find. The fridge, shower, pillow, favourite cup.
- finding the time to do anything with her and making it a routine. Go for a walk, read a newspaper, back/foot massage (when you don't want sex!).
- Draw her a bath (if you have one), or make sure she has time to have one and leave her some flowers (from a garden or simply collected).
- make her a play list of music just for her. Embrace the 90s.
- take photos of stuff when you are working and send them to her with amusing commentary. That way you can include her in your day, or even in your distractions and hyper focus.
The list is endless. :)
What's her love language?
Submitted by sadapples on
First of all, very sweet to see you care enough to ask for help. My husband has ADHD, so I sympathize with your wife. Do you and your wife know what your top love languages are? Here's where you can learn more: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Expressing love isn't always about gifts. It can be spending quality time together, helping with chores, telling her you appreciate her/ admire her, or holding her hand. If you're unsure of her love language, look at how she expresses love. That's usually a good indicator of how she wants to receive love. For example, my top love language is acts of service. It makes me feel good to cook dinner for my husband, keep our home tidy, etc. Anytime he does the dishes without me asking is a huge sign to me that he loves me back.
Hope this helps. :)
Love Languages
Submitted by map5a on
I second learning about your partner's Love Language. My partner and I did this at the very beginning of our relationship and it helped IMMENSELY while dealing with his ADHD tendancies. He knows my love language is Quality Time and Acts of Service, so he knows not to buy me fancy things, but instead to spend time with me or start the coffee pot in the morning for me. His is physical touch (which makes sense for someone with ADHD since they crave stimuli) and Words of Affirmation, so I make sure to hold his hand in the car, tell him how proud I am of him, etc.
Even if he's just checking off a box in his head, he's checking it off by doing the things I NEED, and it works. AND, when I feel like my needs aren't being met I can tell him, My Love Languages aren't being met right now, and he understands how to fix the situation. There's no blame on him, no "why don't you ever do this for me" or "why aren't you paying attention to me" because I've learned that he doesn't notice that he's not paying attention until I tell him so. Your partner might need their own, more effective ways of communicating with you.
Good luck!
Nice!
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Nice!
You are dead on though. It helped that we worked out both of us crave physical touch something shocking. It means because of it he will automatically meet my quality time needs more often than not, and he doesn't have to freak out trying to remember dates. Meanwhile I remember to give him a steady stream of compliments no matter what he says, especially in front of others.