Runaway ADHD Groom

After almost a decade of being together, buying a house, starting our family with our dogs, and three unsuccessful attempts at getting married, we have finally decided to deal with our issues first. Though he is the one that called off the wedding because of the work we have to do in our relationship, I understand and support him in the decision. I am devastated that we are not getting married even though everything was planned and set to go (he called it off within a week and a half from the big day). I am an over achiever, very controlling, and a perfectionist. My fiance has struggled throughout his life with school, accomplishing general tasks and meeting deadlines. Since we moved in together a few years ago, a rift has has been created in our relationship mainly stemming from an imbalance of responsibility. We both love each other dearly. We both want the relationship to work and are willing to put in the work needed as individuals, and as a couple. And we have both acknowledged our individual contributions to the problems in our relationship. I guess I just need some hope and encouragement that we can get through this and come out a stronger couple, GET MARRIED, and live a happy balanced life that isn't full of resentment, and where both of us can feel good about ourselves as individuals and as a couple. I know life will never be "easy" and that it would be easier without an ADHD partner but, I love him and he loves me. I don't know what in life could be more important than that. By the way, he was never diagnosed but after talking to my therapist I am pretty sure he has it (she was the one that brought it up) and I remember him mentioning once that he thought he had it. We will work on getting him diagnosed and seek appropriate help. But after I found out about the ADHD a burden was lifted off my shoulders and heart because I've realized that he isn't just immature and lazy, he has ADHD! I can work with ADHD! I wasn't so sure I could work with lazy and immaturity.

A Lot of Similarities

A lot of similarities to my situation.  I'm under pressure to get married, but feel like we need to work on our relationship.   Our relationship has experienced a rift since I started to move in.  

You should really get him diagnosed, and get him medicated, if appropriate.  That might be a big enough change to alter the outlook.

Me, I was always ADHD, and diagnosed as a kid... and still treated.  I never saw what it did to our relationship until recently, though. I feel like you do that ADHD is a huge burden that I can lift off my shoulders... in that I thought all our fights and problems were either her, me, or us.   She isn't naggy and nitpicky... I have ADHD!  ADHD we can try to overcome...  If the problem is just "us" and the solution is "try harder", I won't make any progress.   I hadn't before and was starting to get very demoralized.  We've had so many fights that never seem to get anywhere... now we have something to attack.

I hope I can get her to buy in as you have...  I'm still struggling to get her to see her role in all this.  I showed her some parts of this book and some things on the site and she got very upset - saying things like  "If I stop nagging you then how can I really expect anything to get done right?"