"sabotaging" partner's sleep, but I'm just trying to follow his good habits!

Hi all,

Wondering how to deal with this problem.  My partner prioritizes sleep above all else.  When he doesn't get enough (most of the time, sadly), he is grumpy and hair-trigger all day long.  The problem is this: I really WANT to get to sleep at the same time as him.  I don't have any issues with falling asleep or staying asleep, which is a mercy!



1) We work in the same office, so it makes sense to get to sleep together.  Then we can get up, leave the house, get to work, and leave the office at roughly the same time so we are home around the same time for dinner.  

2) It's just smart!  I have read it 1,000,000,000,734,183 times, it's so helpful for ADDers to get enough sleep.  And I totally feel the difference between sleeping enough and not sleeping enough.  But it's so hard, as y'all know, to put stuff aside on time for bed.  So I try to "anchor" myself to his good habits/intentions.  Then end up dragging his bedtime back by half an hour.

3) I like having time to be close before we fall asleep.  We still have great chemistry in bed (counting my blessings, I do know others have issues with this).  So I want to keep that time for connecting with him.



I try to get up about 15 minutes before him because I take longer to get ready than he does... but he wakes up to my alarm and doesn't get back to sleep for the next 15 minutes.  Just changed my alarm tone tonight, we'll see if that goes better tomorrow morning.

When I come to bed a bit late and hope to still have some connection time (see point 3), often enough he's fed up of waiting for me and needs to hash through his upset before he can go to sleep.  By the time he's calm, it's already later than we wanted to go to sleep.  So I'd prefer to go to sleep right away and still get maximum sleep time.  

If I come in before he's totally 100% fallen asleep, he'll wake up again when I get into bed, and not be able to fall asleep for another 20-30 minutes.  If he thinks I'm coming to bed soon, he is reluctant to try falling asleep, because it's likely I will interrupt him as described.  

Oh and PS, of course I'm actually a typical ADD night-owl, I have my most productive period starting around 4:30-5:30 PM.  So yes, I am denying my nature to try and fit in.  Figure it's easier than finding a job and recalibrating my entire home life to support a radically different schedule.  And I've decided that starting tomorrow, I will try to do the most interesting stuff at the lowest focus time at work, hoping I can find some hyperfocus there.  (Today I spent 8 hours at work, but spent 20 minutes doing work.  Also rolling myself in guilt for that one.)



I like Melissa's suggestion of sacred time, before his bedtime, after which I can return to whatever I'm doing... but I'm afraid if I do that, I'll go to bed at 2am every day, have to wake up at 7:30, and spend my life chronically exhausted.  When he goes on business trips for 5-7 days, this is how it happens.  And when I don't get enough sleep, I get sick for 2 weeks at a time.

Last night after another accusation that he can't control what time he gets to sleep or what time he wakes up, even though sleep is his 1st priority... I had a suggestion.  I "outed" my little game to him, the one where I challenge myself to be ready before he is.  Usually it's in the morning, having the coat and shoes and purse on before him.  It sucked that he never acknowledged how great it was to get out the door without a single snag, on time, etc - so different from the norm.  But I gave myself a little high-five every time.  Anyway, I told him I would make it a challenge for myself to be ready for bed before he is - and if I am not 100% ready 5 minutes before bedtime, I take my things out of the bedroom (phone charger, nighttime lip gloss, etc) and - according to MY RULES (to be clear that he isn't barring me from the bed, he would HATE that) - am not allowed to come in.  I haven't figured out if that means for the whole night (we have a guest room that I can sleep in) or rather until I am 30sec away from tucking myself in and drifting off.  


I just wanted to know if anyone else had the problem that they REALLY REALLY WANT to get enough sleep, just like their partner with good habits, but the ADD symptoms got in the way of the partner's sleep too?  And whether you have found a way to get through it?  I think it totally sucks that my coping strategy for mornings (sacrifice 15min of sleep so I can be ready at the same time he is) has also interfered with his sleep.  What he says is true.  My habits are sabotaging his sleep, making him crankier, and perpetuating the negative cycle.  I just want to make it better for both of us.  Any thoughts?