It's a sad day when you realize your reality. I am saddened by the fact that my husband with ADD cannot change his symptoms and they will not go away. I will always have to be the adult. There is no one who has my back. I am the rescuer, the nurturer, the responsible one, the bill payer, the housekeeper, the laundress, the cook, the kitchen cleaner, the bed maker, the flipping everything. I do not get to come home from work and just plop down on the couch and play games on my iPhone and watch TV until bedtime. I have to prepare dinner, feed the animals, clean up after dinner, help him with his work paperwork. We have been married for 25 years and I have always (stupidly) held out believing that he could train himself to be there for me. I can't count on him to make sure our livestock is fed and watered. If he's supposed to do it and I check to make sure he has done it, he gets defensive, but the is a really good chance that he hasn't done it or has done it half way. I had surgery a couple of years ago and I came home to empty watering troughs for my horses. They could have died. No remorse on my husband's part, just mad that I brought it up, like what's the big deal? They didn't die. I could just scream sometimes. I have a million stories just like that.
I did not sign up for this. Well, I did when I took my vows for better or worse, but you know what I mean. I knew he was dyslexic but had no clue about the ADD or what that would look like in my life. He has absolutely no system for prioritizing anything. He will go work on the neighbor's farm when ours is in dire need of working on. He has this need to be important and I get that but why can't he try to impress me like he tries to impress everyone else? He never tells anyone no except me. He loves all the attention he gets from all the extracurricular activities that take him away from home and family. I sometimes tell him to pretend I'm a neighbor or a stranger or a sports parent so he'll help me the way he helps them. My praise does not hold the same weight as a stranger's. Maddening.
He is a coach and comes home late 3-4 nights a week. He is frequently gone on the weekends due to coaching sports. This leaves me alone to handle the kids, the animals, the farm, etc. This is not an equitable relationship. I am tired. I am sad. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel cheated. I feel used up.
I think about how it would be to have a husband who is thoughtful towards me. Someone who I could have a real conversation with, where we are equals, where I am not the mommy figure. I hate ADD. I know it's not my husband's fault he has ADD. At this point, knowing that isn't helping me to cope. It's as if I don't matter at all. I am just the means to an end.
Thanks for listening.