It's a sad day when you realize your reality. I am saddened by the fact that my husband with ADD cannot change his symptoms and they will not go away. I will always have to be the adult. There is no one who has my back. I am the rescuer, the nurturer, the responsible one, the bill payer, the housekeeper, the laundress, the cook, the kitchen cleaner, the bed maker, the flipping everything. I do not get to come home from work and just plop down on the couch and play games on my iPhone and watch TV until bedtime. I have to prepare dinner, feed the animals, clean up after dinner, help him with his work paperwork. We have been married for 25 years and I have always (stupidly) held out believing that he could train himself to be there for me. I can't count on him to make sure our livestock is fed and watered. If he's supposed to do it and I check to make sure he has done it, he gets defensive, but the is a really good chance that he hasn't done it or has done it half way. I had surgery a couple of years ago and I came home to empty watering troughs for my horses. They could have died. No remorse on my husband's part, just mad that I brought it up, like what's the big deal? They didn't die. I could just scream sometimes. I have a million stories just like that.
I did not sign up for this. Well, I did when I took my vows for better or worse, but you know what I mean. I knew he was dyslexic but had no clue about the ADD or what that would look like in my life. He has absolutely no system for prioritizing anything. He will go work on the neighbor's farm when ours is in dire need of working on. He has this need to be important and I get that but why can't he try to impress me like he tries to impress everyone else? He never tells anyone no except me. He loves all the attention he gets from all the extracurricular activities that take him away from home and family. I sometimes tell him to pretend I'm a neighbor or a stranger or a sports parent so he'll help me the way he helps them. My praise does not hold the same weight as a stranger's. Maddening.
He is a coach and comes home late 3-4 nights a week. He is frequently gone on the weekends due to coaching sports. This leaves me alone to handle the kids, the animals, the farm, etc. This is not an equitable relationship. I am tired. I am sad. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel cheated. I feel used up.
I think about how it would be to have a husband who is thoughtful towards me. Someone who I could have a real conversation with, where we are equals, where I am not the mommy figure. I hate ADD. I know it's not my husband's fault he has ADD. At this point, knowing that isn't helping me to cope. It's as if I don't matter at all. I am just the means to an end.
Thanks for listening.
I'm sorry to hear you're
Submitted by EllaMiranda on
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I can only imagine how difficult it must be having so many things/people depending on you and feeling like you're carrying the world on your shoulders. While you might feel like you're about to fall apart at any minute, the fact that you've made it this far proves how strong you are. I wish I had some words of wisdom to pass on to you that might help get you through this. All i can say is no matter what, you need to take care of yourself and put your happiness first. I know it's easier said than done but your own happiness is worth it. Hang in there.
I'm sad too
Submitted by ADHDhusbandFAIL on
Being the one with ADD and realizing most likely I won't be able to fix my issues is really hard to accept. I'm sad too. I used to feel I was ok. But a lot happened this year and my wife has had enough of me. It's almost like my ADD never really started showing until the last few years.
I need to find happiness in being alone as I can't count on anyone accepting me and my issues. I'm ok with that now. I just need to pick myself up, start over, and build myself a life I can manage. It's not easy, especially because I've been unemployed for the last two years, been applying to tens of jobs a week with no luck. I feel even the $10 an hour jobs don't want me. I feel no one wants me. Very sad times but I can get through this, just like all the other times I've gotten back on the horse.
Sorry to hear everyone's frustration with ADHD, makes me realize my problems are bigger than I though. Thanks for bringing perspective. Take care everyone from the bottom of my heart.
It's almost like my ADD
Submitted by vabeachgal on
It's almost like my ADD never really started showing until the last few years.
If you have added extra stressors like a child (you said you have a 3 year old child?) and unemployment ... it would make sense that the ADHD symptoms were aggravated. The addition of a child and a spouse's unemployment would also have had an affect on your wife's ability to cope with the ADHD and keep all of the balls in the air. The dynamic isn't unusual.
Very best to you.
Submitted by Chevron on
Very best to you.
For me it's not an issue of accepting my husband as he is. I do. I know he has to do some things his way, not mine. I've got a pretty good understanding by now of where he's different from me, and how he w his differences works in a positive way for him. I dont add to his load. I not only accept him as a full human being, I love him deeply AS HE IS.
To an unusual degree, he has persisted in learning to accept that I am who I am, and I too am differently abled. I'm blessed to be with him
I think it's often a misfire to think that posts on this board are acts of rejecting ADHD. The question is how to live around its fall out, as well as live around its charms.
To me its an indicator that you entered a thread whose topic is crushing workload and the feelings that extra work and worry produce in anyone, and said that you had decided to live alone because no one would accept your ADHD
I sincerely wish you well.
Thank you
Submitted by Tori on
Thank you for your perspective. It helps me to remember that it's the ADD I hate, not my husband. I love my husband. I have a hard time separating him from the ADD I guess. It's really hard because it seems like he does stuff on purpose but it's not really like that. I'm really sorry for sounding so upset. You helped me realize I have to take a step back and remember he is not the bad guy here. He cannot help how he was made any more than I can. We all have issues. God knows I'm far from perfect. My husband tried taking Straterra but it caused him to have chest pain and heart attack-like symptoms, so we took him off of it. Maybe something else will work. I'll be honest, I have thought about leaving the marriage, but then I remember that my husband is not at fault and I promised through good times and bad to stay. I wish we could all just get rid of the ADD/ADHD. I feel bad for you that you are having such a hard time finding a job. Mostly I hate that you feel like no one wants you. Please know it's not YOU that is the issue. The issue is the ADD/ADHD. You sound like a really sweet person. I wish the best for you.
Sign up
Submitted by Chevron on
I did not sign up for this. Well, I did when I took my vows for better or worse, but you know what I mean. I knew h_______ but had no clue about the ADD or what that would look like in my life.
I wonder how many of us like this there are who knew nothing about ADHD and didnt know our spouses had it, before marriage ?
I know it's not my husband's fault he has ADD. At this point, knowing that isn't helping me to cope.
Spot on. And spot on that his absence from what physically needs labor and his needs guarantee very large disparity in workload. Tori, one thing about your story that bothers me, is the livestock, which necessitates a larger place for you to take care of in his absence, or to run after him to make sure that animals, buildings and whatever else are not left in harm.
I've had enough of the deliberately superficial dismissal of the kind of soul crushing workload and obligations his lack of management of his ADHD and his possession of ADHD limitations has left you in. No, "hire extra help for YOU, so that your partner can continue to trust that YOU shoulder the work and worry usually split between partners" is not adequate advice to a spouse. Most of us dont have the cash to do any such thing. Sorry, Charlie, a spouse being crushed by the extra worry and work that dammit somebody has got to do, if there's going to be food on the table, the roof leak gets fixed and the animals dont die in the barn is not helped by telling her/him to up the accommodations of her spouse's needs or to grow a sweeter attitude that he is "differently abled" Of course someone with ADHD is. That's 101.
Tori, as far as I can tell, things at home with my ADHD spouse are working better at the moment than the at home life of people living in a lot of the situations described on this board. At the moment. There are parts of our homelife about which I'm deeply worried that are other than the crushing workload you describe that I probably wont be describing online. I'm here for me, to learn anything I can that can help me live in this situation. I love learning more about him, and trying different things about him, but if I dont get a more tolerable and doable life for me, I've failed myself.
So from the angle of a spouse needing to self care: I think that your post clinched an understanding that I hadnt clearly had until I read it. If I'm going to make it, and the bulk of wellbeing at home that in cool, truthful, simple reality will always be on my back to take care of, never my spouse's, because in all truthfulness, without exaggeration or whining at it, he cant shoulder a more sharing, equal part of the load of, we had better not add any animals or human beings to our household who need daily, faithful care and additional expense to care for them. No pets, no as in your case livestock. Yes once they're there you're going to be the one to make sure they're cared for. My husband's children are grown and I'm too old to have babies, so I dont have to confront deciding whether or not having kids. But it does mean that my husband and I had better not get into taking care of a more elderly relative in our home. That's a sad realization, but I think I need to understand that with ADHD in the picture I had better not embark on the moral responsibility and additional load on me of caring for additional living beings under our roof. .
Just a comment and no this is not advice to you. I trust your wisdom in your situation. You're living it. The present way I'm/we're seriously trying to modify our life together so that I'm not beaten to a pulp by it is to downsize and simplify everything physical about it that we can. That strategy I learned from a man with ADHD on another board. At this point, that's the best and only thing that I have come up with to lower my workload. Not hire the work out, which we cant afford. Get rid of a significant quantity of it. That for us means downsizing our number of possessions and moving. I'm very lucky that my husband is for this.
I worry about you, knowing aboutnyour load.
Reply
Submitted by Tori on
I appreciate your concern for my situation. I have already donated my horses to my old alma mater. I did that when my elderly father was living with us for 3 years until his death. Something had to give so that is what I did. My heart is still broken over it but what it had to be done. At this point, our livestock is manageable. It's mostly just frustrating that I have to check on it to make sure it was done. Might as well do it myself. But, I have to respect my husband so that means he does it and I check without his knowledge. That way the animals are taken care of. I would never let an animal go without proper care. I am a huge animal rights person. The thing that I'm finally understanding is that just because my husband wants to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea. I have always tried to help him realize his dreams, but now I'm seeing that he wants to do things but he has no follow-through. That's when it all falls on me. That has to change. And it will. I just have to learn to say no. Never too old to learn, right? :)
Tori, a sad vent
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Yes, I think we all hate what ADHD does to our spouses, especially for those of us who are long terms survivors, who didn't know our spouses HAD this until much later,(and even those who found out just recently). It does answer the questions of why there was so much chaos, mis-communication, hardship after hardship, and a very unbalanced load bearing situation. It IS hard to know you can't count on that other person for support and comfort and help when WE need this. EVERYONE needs this from time to time, and we didn't expect marriage to be the place where we weren't going to get these things. Were we asking for too much? It doesn't SEEM so, but I could be wrong. We marry, because we believe that we found THE person,to LOVE, and to help us walk through life, and we can do that TOGETHER. But, it doesn't turn out that way, with ADHD denial in the mix. And, on top of it, they are the ones who demand even more of what we don't have left over to give. It's like being a caregiver with no break.
My desire is that I truly wish I had known what it was like to have someone "Be IN LOVE with me", like I was with him. I've never known that, and sometimes find myself missing that. I THOUGHT he was "in love" with me, but he wasn't, to which he confessed. He did "love" me, but was never "in love' with me, which made me furious as to why he even asked me to marry him. Why the charade? There were a lot of lies, I guess. Plus, there was never the "being made love to" by the person who truly loved me. He's never been comfortable with sex, per se, and has been awkward about that since the beginning,(very adolescent) and we've had basically a sexless marriage. (didn't expect THAT one at all) It's been over 15 years since we've had sex. (his choice) Why, would anyone choose that, and still say they want to be with you? This doesn't make sense. And, it severely damaged my self esteem as a woman, and as an "attractive" woman. I ended up feeling SO UGLY and unwanted that I became pretty much a hermit. I had gotten to a point to where I believed that NO ONE in their right mind would want someone like me, because it was such a blow to my self worth. He kept saying, "It's not YOU", but that's all, and that doesn't do much for an answer, when there is a marriage in place, and there's nothing really physically WRONG with him. He CAN have sex, but even when he says he can't, he wouldn't help ME in "my" needing physical release. (awkward, and hurtful to say the least) Plus, he wouldn't talk about it. Yes, I WOULD like to know what it's like to be "made love to" by someone who's "IN LOVE" with ME.........JUST ME, and no one else. No amount of love showing verbally and physically, pleasing, niceness, good treatment, caring, thoughtfulness, etc.......nothing....changed that, and never any answers as to why.(from me to him) How can someone live like that, and not even TELL the person the truth about what's going on? It hurts even more to not be told the truth, and just let day after day go on, like everything is okay, when it's not. AVOIDANCE and DENIAL..........two powerful forces. These are the only two things I have been able to pin this all on, and have any mental peace about why he lets things go on year after year. What a waste, when things could be SO DIFFERENT, if he would or COULD let it. Sorry, just sad today.......also. Why did I choose this person as my partner, when I was SO SURE? I prayed, and knew it WAS the right thing to do, THEN, but he had CHOICES too. It sometimes feels like ADHD is in total control, and he has NO CHOICE but to obey it, BUT the more I learn, that's just not always true. there's ALWAYS A CHOICE, and there's always the choice to SPEAK up. A HARD TRUTH IS EASIER TO BEAR AND TO DEAL WITH, THAN AN EASY LIE. Give me a hard truth, ANY day rather than an easy lie.
Your first paragraph said it
Submitted by Tori on
Your first paragraph said it all.
"It does answer the questions of why there was so much chaos, mis-communication, hardship after hardship, and a very unbalanced load bearing situation. It IS hard to know you can't count on that other person for support and comfort and help when WE need this."
I often feel used. I hate chaos but I'm surrounded by it. Piles and piles of unread paperwork, catalogs that he may or may not look at. He can't stay on track and to be honest, I can't keep him on track either. Chaos breeds chaos. The chaos in my house, which is not horrible, just very distracting to me, causes me to feel chaos in my head and it really blocks me from doing things. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.
I have told my husband several times in frustration, I would like to know what it feels like to be married to a grown-up. I have to ask him every time to do a daily chore, like taking out the trash. What if I just quit doing everything until someone told me to do it?? Then, when he does the chore, he reports back to me that it's done like he's done something awesome. Like he wants praise for any little thing he does. Does this happen to you too?
Your comment about feeling like a caregiver with no break hits home hard too. Caregiver, babysitter, mommy, secretary. I usually feel like one of those things instead of a wife. :(
You're reality is the same for many of us.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you make your world smaller...After I did that my life got more bearable..The biggest thing for me was and is learning to stop enabling (it's a process)...I think you will find out if you stay w/ your husband you will need to make some adjustments to have any peace...Also, I suggest you not blame add for irresponsibility and laziness...ADD isn't responsible for defensiveness and getting ugly with you wife, because she pointed out your uncaring actions....
If something is important to him, I bet it gets done....Mine will take care of what is important to her (her priorites) even if its Self Entertainment....I hope you can courageously do what you must do to make the changes in your life, that will allow for your Peace....Being angry at add or angry at your husband will never change anything for the positive for you personally or the marriage...I know, I also did it for years.....
I suggest you stop taking on anything related to him...His meals...His laundry...Anything....You will find out if he loves you, or just loves the fact he has you trained to wait on him...
Wishing you well
C
Agreed and I have started
Submitted by Tori on
Agreed and I have started doing just that. I know that I am well trained. I'm a nurse, giving by nature. Go figure. I'm pretty sure he saw the sucker sign on my forehead. LOL
Tori,
Submitted by dvance on
Tori,
I am so sorry for you too. As many of the other posters have said, there are lots of us in the same situation. If you have read any of my posts, you know that I work full time and we have two boys ages 18 and 16. We have been married 22 years. The last 5 have been the hardest. DH had a break down and moved out for 6 months. I should have been done then. In January I stopped all of our therapy and said we need to just figure out how to live as civil roommates. We have not had sex in two years-my choice but he said in therapy (before we stopped) that it doesn't bother him. Even before that he rarely initiated, so it must not be that big of a deal to him. My DH is employed, he cleans the pet cages every week (rabbit and hedgehog), cooks dinner almost every night. He is very good about chores but that is new in the past maybe two years. Before that I did pretty much everything. I don't like that majority of what he cooks and when he grocery shops he overbuys and so a lot of what he makes goes to waste. I am trying really hard to separate out what is ADHD and what is just a crummy marriage. It's kind of a chicken or the egg thing--I cannot figure it out. Instead of getting stronger with each crisis, we get further apart. That has been true all along. If you were to ask me what DH's values were, I could not tell you. If you were to ask me what we have in common, I could not tell you. I suspect I do not have the empathy necessary to be married to anyone, much less an ADHD person. In any case, this is not the marriage I wanted and I cannot wait to get out.
Having said all of that, it is incredibly sad and I am sorry you feel it too. It's a hell of a place to find yourself in when many folks our age are looking forward to having grown kids that require less parenting and enjoying the company of our spouses in a new way.
I have never been a priority
Submitted by Tori on
I have never been a priority to my husband. I am kind of an after thought. But when we went on a trip, just the two of us, we both had fun. I believe he loves me and me him, but this ADD/ADHD tries to suck the life out of everything. I would like to be important to him. He swears I am, but actions speak louder than words and he would much rather have the approval of a stranger. Somehow, that means more to him. I don't get it. I do think the ADD/ADHD makes the marriage hard. It is sometimes unbearable but I am pretty determined to make it work. Best to you.
Tori, a reply to your earlier post
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Tori, sorry I just saw your earlier post, and wanted to answer your question. YES........my husband DOES desire and need praise for everything he does. He too, will report back to me on everything he does and wants praise for it. I do things just BECAUSE they need to be done, and don't expect praise for things that are expected and NEEDED to get done. But, it IS nice when we do get appreciation for what we do, and/or our efforts. But, my husband doesn't compliment me at all, even though I've asked him about this many times. He told me he just "wasn't good at that". So, what? I say, in my mind. He hs the capacity to LEARN how to do this. No one is just automatically good at everything, or good at verbalizing what we need to say, but we CAN LEARN how to do this better.
I don't understand his continual "needing approval" for anything and everything. He used brag about himself on almost everything for a long, long time. And, when is praise, "true praise", when you are purposely pressuring people for it? The kicker is, when I give it to him, he doesn't seem to take it seriously, and when I asked him about the praise he gets from "outsiders" he said this. "Well, that's different, because it's special". My self esteem plummeted from him thinking MY approval doesn't mean enough, but anyone ELSE on the 'outside' of our marriage means more to him. This is so backwards from what he needs to be thinking, that it's crazy making.
J, said something in another post that helped me understand. With the people who are in denial, and who choose to STAY THERE, don't seem to have the commitment, closeness and attachment that is needed to form long lasting and close intimate relationships.(paraphrasing) THIS..........explains my husband perfectly. He doesn't seem to have the ability to have close intimate relationships, even though he seems to WANT that from me. But, this makes the relationship TERRIBLY one sided, and lopsided. He gives in "other ways", but not in areas that I really want or need. And, again, he wants attention and praise for that also. It's like there isn't enough attention or praise in the world for him to stop this insatiable need for it. I think it goes back to his mother.
My husband's mother was a cold, distant woman whose actions did NOT match her words. Example: She would tell me and everyone how much she "LOVED" her middle grandson, but her actions were different. (she had favorites in her grandchildren, and in her own children) She professed "love" for this child as a baby/small child, but when she would hold him, it was only for a few seconds, and she never hugged or kissed him, or SHOWED him love. It was only in words, NOT in her actions. She was very physically distant from her OWN children, and her grandchildren. Plus, she focused only on herself, and her "worries". There wasn't any room for anyone else in her mind, other than herself and her "nervousness", which daily she would wring her hands in worry over the smallest of things. It was odd to watch. She kept people at a distance, and blamed her entire life of unhappiness on everything outside of herself. And, this is where I believe my husband GOT his "distancing", and his "need for approval" all the time. He still seems to be needing his mother's "love and acceptance". I am NOT Freud, a psychiatrist, counselor, or anything, and it even feels ridiculous for me to SAY this stuff, but if I hadn't been WATCHING this go on for so many years, I wouldn't believe this possible. But, IT'S THERE, and it real. (at least this is what seems to be taking place in our lives) Getting my husband to examine anything about himself has been futile, so I quit a while ago, even trying. He doesn't WANT to look at himself because he's worked so hard pretending to be someone ELSE, all these years. The past couple years, he's even copied the "laugh" of his college professor, because THIS is the man he admires most. He wants to BE this man, and has said so many times. But, HE ISN'T. So, he's spent most of his life trying to be someone ELSE, other than who HE is. I'm tired of this, and want him to be HIMSELF.........................NOT...........someone else.
It's hard now at THIS point, because I don't feel the same way about him any longer. His words and actions have hurt and distanced me from him, and I can't live trying to break through this any longer. He also doesn't want to talk about this either, so I'm done trying. I will live MY life, and he can live his, which isn't a "marriage", but it's what it is.
My ex-husband eventually told
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-husband eventually told me, after years of dysfunctional behavior and neglect of me and our daughters, that he thinks he is unable to form close intimate relationships. I agree with him, to a certain extent; I don't know if it's he can't or he won't.
That is disappointing to say
Submitted by Tori on
That is disappointing to say the least. I'm not sure it really matters whether it's can't or won't. I mean, initially, yes, we want to know if someone is just being mean or if they can't help it. But the bottom line is still the same regardless. I am staying because I do love him and I don't want to disrupt our family, such as it is. I just keep trying not to be mad/irritated/annoyed. It's exhausting but I am determined.
I agree that it doesn't
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree that it doesn't really matter if it's an "I can't" or "I won't." It did bother me, though, that my ex was very receptive to the diagnosis of ADHD only to the extent of it giving him permission to take more drugs; he seemed to not believe any of the current science about our brains being malleable and that we can retrain our brains to change our thoughts and emotions. So I think that his "I can't" was actually "I don't want to learn how."
Yeah, it sounds like he didn
Submitted by Tori on
Yeah, it sounds like he didn't want to change things, especially if he was into taking drugs. How hurtful. Now, the thing you said about our brains being malleable and that we can retrain them....is it possible for someone with ADD to change their brains to the extent that they don't have it??
Thank you for your reply. My
Submitted by Tori on
Thank you for your reply. My husband also has someone he aspires to be like--a coach he had in high school. One time when I was complaining about his being gone all the time, he actually said to me, "well, Coach did it and his wife didn't care." I explained to him that we weren't them and that there's no way he could have itimate knowledge of how his coach's wife felt about it all. Also, I didn't really care how she felt because this is my life, not hers. sigh.......