I posted this on another topic:
The love languages are a real thing, I encourage anyone to find out what their love language is, and what their spouse's is as well. For instance, my H language is "Acts of Service" almost exclusivly. And mine is a mix of "Physical Touch" and "Words of Affirmation" (physical touch doesnt have to be sexual touch FYI). Based on that, the goal for our relationship would be for:
1. me to become comfortable with accepting his acts of service as him expressing love to me
2. learn how to express love to him with acts of service (finding out nice things I can DO for him)
3. him to become comfortable with accepting "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" from me as expressions of love (and not manipulation or control)
4. him to learn how to express love to me with "physical touch" and "words of affirmation"."
really it it boiled down to H not wanting to do 3 and 4..... These are our issues boiled down to its most basic ingredient. He is not willing and doesn't want to speak " my language". To do that would require more work than it's worth to him. So off he runs, to find the easier path. He doesn't realize that the same obstacles he faces now are not going away with me. They are not mine. The chains that control him are not designed or made by me. Whe. I am gone, they will still imprison him. When I am out of his life, the same suffering and debilitating fear he thinks he is escaping will end up being his only company until he replaces me with what ever better version he thinks he wants.
I dont think he understands that the work that I and his therapists and all the books and articles talk about are the keys to unlocking his chains, of freeing himself and experiencing real control over his destiny for the first time ever. He says he doesn't control his life, but he has made every decision that plotted the course of our life, from where we lived to what we ate, to what we listened to and what we watched. I have only set 2 rules.... 1 do not cheat, 2 no porn period. That's it, that's the only control I have ever enforced, everything else was his idea, his goal, his push for what ever.
but the life I offered him is not enough, all because doing 2 small things was no worth the effort to him.
And when he leaves, I will pick up the pieces, start a new life, a happy life.
I KNOW I am worth it.
In the meantime, my heart hurts in unimaginable ways. It's like watching your home burn and no one is willing to douse the flames. It's watch the very people who abused and controlled him as a child win. They still frighten him into submission. I hate them. They have won. He is running and hiding.