So, a few weeks ago, after yet another angry outburst that I’ve said time and time again is not acceptable in our home, I said I thought we should separate. I don’t want to. I said it out of desperation. And because he was yelling at me, provoking me. Because we’ve had the SAME CONVERSATION 500 times about how his expression of anger has eroded our relationship. He gets mad. I say that was not ok. He gets defensive. I clam up for days. Things blow over. But they really don’t. Not for me. This pattern happens over and over and over. So, after I said the ‘s’ word, he said he would call an ADHD coach and consult his doctor about different meds. But he hasn’t. And I’m just seething. Because when I ask him “did you do x?” then he says I’m treating him like an infant. But, after these conversations, he acts like they never happened! Other things take priority. He gets distracted by work, etc. While I just wait around, silently huffing and puffing inside. So, I don’t know what to do. If I start a conversation about his behavior, or treatment, or anything related to this issue, he gets defensive. Even when I use “I” statements. But, sitting around waiting for him to tell me what’s going on isn’t working either. He won’t initiate conversations about our marriage. How do you TALK to people like this????? I am a communicator. But the person I love most cannot be communicated with! I can not reconcile this.
Said the “S” word...
Submitted by Goldilox73 on 01/19/2018.
In the book "Too Good to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
In the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," the author says that "off-the-table-itis" is one of the most difficult marital problems to overcome, as in, it's fatal. Typically, only one spouse engages in this behavior. It's also called stonewalling: a basic refusal to converse about problems that is so basic and deep that it becomes a worse problem itself.
Same
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Same here. So much happened. My H generally wanted to let it "blow over" and say "time heals all". But... and this is a big but... oftentimes communication and action are also required. Otherwise, one person is left, as someone here recently put it so well, "huffing and puffing inside" without resolution. H didn't want to "beat himself up about stuff that happened in the past" so nothing was ever resolved - things were effectively taken off the table - until it happened again, and again. The resentment and frustration builds each time it happens without sufficient resolution.
Me Too
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is all very familiar to me too. Yes, this is one of the worst problems we have here. Impossible to talk or plan or be intimate. No sharing or caring verbally.
Same here
Submitted by Zapp10 on
In learning to speak with fewer words when communicating with my ADHD H (we are separated) I will follow suit here and simply say....ditto.... to this particular thread.
Difficult conversations
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
It is hard for me to write this, because I was in your shoes for years and I know it is a very tricky subject, but I think it's time for a difficult conversation, not with him, but with yourself. You write that you don't want to separate. It's time to think carefully about why you don't want to separate. You write that the person you love most cannot be communicated with. It's time to think about why you love him the most. What do you mean when you say this? What does love mean?
Most likely, he will never change. And if he does, it will be for his own reasons, come from his own motivation. So what about you? What do you want? How do you want to live? You can only control yourself.
Well, I think the problem is
Submitted by Goldilox73 on
Well, I think the problem is that I know he is still a kind, attentive, loving husband and father. It is this ‘piece’ of him...the ADHD piece that doesn’t manage stress/anger well...that has become SO big for me, it overshadows all his good parts. And there are so many good parts. That’s why it has been so hard to leave. If he could just get this symptom in check, we could work on things together.
I am not telling you what you
Submitted by powercat24 on
I am not telling you what you should do, but in my opinion, you separating from him can bring peace to your life that you have been missing. Yes, it is hard, yes it might get ugly, but it might also be the motivation he needs to change. Sometimes people we love need to know what our boundaries are. You have been struggling with this for so long that he probably thinks you will never leave or do anything like that so he keeps doing what he's doing. My advice is to set a date, if nothing has changed by then separate.
If ADHD spouse only partially manages symptoms
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I feel your pain. How do you get a spouse to fully manage his/her ADHD? If I mention 'ADHD Symptom X' is causing a problem in our marriage I'll receive an angry tirade about 'parenting' and the angry tirade becomes a far larger issue than the original 'ADHD Symptom X'? Encouraging a review of RSD information gets a stony reply.
A reality we all come to understand eventually
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Hi Will It Get Better.
It's taken me many years to finally accept this, but the truth is that you cannot get a spouse to fully manage his/her ADHD. In fact, you cannot get a spouse to do anything. All efforts to "get a spouse to do something" or to "help a spouse do something" eventually cause more problems than they solve. What's worse, they keep you and your spouse from facing the reality of the situation. They keep you angry/frustrated/overworked and they keep your spouse in a world where he/she truly does not know what the problem is--and certainly your spouse will not know how to solve the problem.
Sometimes, especially when we're raising young children or we're financially dependent on our spouse or living situation, we need to find ways to "help" our spouses or work on the ADHD with our spouses. And these can sometimes work for a little bit or in small ways. But they will not solve the problem because only the person with ADHD can do that. And that person will only solve the problem when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of not solving the problem. Your help and support will postpone that situation.
Sadly my experience leads me to agree with you
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Sand castles of hope on a stormy beach eventually get flattened no matter how much sand you use.
I fear my marriage and family will be casualties of the 'problem'. (Sigh.)
Good News, Will It Get Better!
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I have some good news for you. Your marriage and family are already casualties of the problem. So is your spouse. Ending your marriage, though sad, is the beginning of healing. My entire family is better off now that we live separately. I am better off one thousand percent. But my children are also. And, although he hates the idea of the end of our marriage, my husband is better off now too. He is taking charge of his life and that has raised his spirits immensely.
Good luck to you and your family--including your ADHD spouse, who is also being harmed by the codependent dynamic.
Well Said
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Very well said, thank you.