SAME OLD NONESENCE.

I called him even though we are not together, and because I care for him, and still do love him, but have loads of doubt of making up back with him, I tried to explain to him he needs to get treated for his ADHD,he won't listen!,he won't go to a therapist or take medications to help him function.I noticed alot of symptoms even over the phone that I would like to point out.

1)he never listens

2)his voice gets louder and louder like he thinks i am deaf.

3)he is always right never wrong.

4)he gets defensive.

Now I know that we are having so much problems lately, and with our separation things are very in the strain for us, but he is the same person I decided to leave for the same reasons and I keep on forgetting that don't matter how much I try he is focused on only car and money lately not even himself to try and get some help to make him a better man.

I suggest that you try to not

I suggest that you try to not contact your ex.  It doesn't sound as though it will be good for you or for him to keep communicating with him right now.

hi Rosered,I want him to get treated.

I only called him to try and get treatment because i love him.We never tried the relationship with meds but i guess you are right.I guess i was hoping that he would because I could try with him again but ONLY if he takes the meds.I could be wrong?

Having spent many years

Having spent many years trying to get my husband to "work on his ADHD," I have great sympathy with you.  I know what it's like to be a compassionate person who just wants to help.  But your ex has to decide to do this, and it will probably just cause you more stress to talk to him regularly if he's not doing anything to work on the ADD.  Maybe suggest to him that if he starts taking the matter seriously and working on it, he should contact you and then you can move on from there.

that is exactly

That is exactly what I had in mind to try it's almost as if you know what I am thinking. thank you I will do that..god bless.

Your frustration is really

Your frustration is really coming across on these forums.  Have you read Melissa Orlov's book?  I haven't read her book but I am reading "Is it you, me or ADD?" and I am at the section on "denial" where it talks about why people deny their symptoms, often because they don't see it themselves.  I highly recommend the book even if you decide you don't want to go back to him because I think it will help you feel more at ease about things.  If he does decide he wants to work on himself down the road it will help you with developing your own coping strategies.

 

Hi tdsb 12

Thanks but where we live it's not that easy to get that book right now, but, I would work on getting the book, but the only reason why I posted so many forums In the last two days is because i have been really worried and confused and going through a lot of pain inside. thanks for your comment.I watched the barkley video you recommended today.

ADHD?

Has your husband actually got a diagnosis of ADHD?  The things you mention above might be side effects of ADHD, but they aren't the diagnostic criteria for ADHD.  Those are:

  • fails to pay attention to details
  • has difficulty organizing tasks
  • loses things
  • is easily distracted

and for those with the "H"

  • feels restless
  • has difficulty engaging in leisure quietly
  • talks excessively
  • has difficulty awaiting turn

It's possible that your husband has something else completely...

Hi melissa thanks,

Hi Melissa Orlov, thanks for replying back, and helping me through this very depressing time in my life..NO, he did not get proper diagnosed as yet, but I am working on that presently,but these are some of the symptoms, I have been noticing for the past year or so,maybe you can tell me if they are ADHD related, or is ADHD,or something else.

:he's very selfish.

:forgets a lot,procrastinates,never finishes a job around the house,especially one that do not pays.

:he's late all the time for work,and always very early at home,has no interest.

:he has chronic boredom.

:problems in work a lot,he's ready to change jobs or quit.

:he has low self esteem,LOT'S OF IT.

:very anti social.

:drug abuse,alcohol.

:wants my attention,or likes the attention of others,loves to feel important,and being the Centre of attraction.

:has lots of depressions,and cry for things like Ex:missing his kids,A LOT,feelings of guilt.

:can't stay one place,always want to go,go,go,down the islands,fishing,vacations,and all the time.

:lots of mood swings.

:picks on me to buy him things,anything,socks,shoes,etc.

:has no empathy.

:gets super angry at everything,even when it is nothing BIG.

He also controls me a lot, i am not allowed to have male friends or go near them,he's very jealous.These are just a few of what the effect is that I am getting from him,but,there is much much more,thanks for all your help god bless you for helping so many people around the world thanks so much,I was also thinking that it could be a personality disorder or something else I am not certain,thanks again.................from:lovehurtsalotwithanger.

Wow you live with my BF

I came across this post and as I read it I thought "wow we are living with the exact same man". Everything you have said her is exactly what I experience. In fact since being a member of this site I have read alot of stories here that could be my own. My problem is that he at times can admit he has it and at other times will flat out and deny he has it. His daughter was diagnosed with ADD and the exwife is working with her to try to help her. We have both kids on fish oil. I have him taking the fish oil for "cardio health" because if I dare to say its for ADHD I am labeling him again. I think at times I know how to handle this but at other times I just get where I can't take it anymore. I left once and was begged to come back. That was when he agreed he had ADHD. His friends however, said " no no you don't have ADHD your just hyper. They don't get to see the Anger and temper cause when he walks out the door he is a wonderful person to everyone else. I think this is his insecurity and needs approval from others to feel good. Mood swings phew !! they come so unepected. He appears to have no empathy. Like when my dog died he had no idea how to console me. It was even worse when my sister died. He was uncomfortable with that that he made jokes. GO GO GO!!! that is how everyone and I mean everyone describes him. He has to go go go go .. biking, sking, vacationing (4 times a year). Even went to the Mexico without me cause i had to work. Drinks alot of wine. Not alot of wine in one sitting but at least 3 to 4 days a week. Appears obbsessed about every new thing he tries but within days its like he has no interest anymore and it never gets completed. He doesn't like a crowd and gets uncomfortable however, he likes to have people praise him so he is a great host. Has chronic boredem. He is will admit that too. Work and his kids stress him to no end. He is constantly yelling about everything. Even little things. He will not hang up his jacket and we will joke "oh look dad didn't hang up his jacket, boy if we did that there would be yelling".. but when we don't hang up ours... look out.. yelling and swearing. Selfish hahahahahaha..he will ask me to go to the movie and I will have to pay for myself or least agree to pay for the popcorn and pops. Our money is separate which is probably a good thing. He spends compulsively and buys things he doesn't need or use half the time. Always Always asking me " where is this" where is that' makes me crazy. Like I am not hiding these things on you nor am I the one who misplaces them????. Anyways I know exactly how you feel.... now I just need more advise on how to handle all of this in a way that doesn't make him resent me or make me feel like I am losing my mind. Hardest part is that I really love him and there is a good side to him. He hyperfocuses on me the first year and I thought I met the man of my dreams. I couldn't believe no other woman was as lucky as me. Till the focus shifted. : -( ....its good to get it out and vent but I also need some strong advise. I can't read a book at home or let him find it because then i am labeling him with a mental illness and he will only be angry again. Any advise???? 

wow! we really are living wth the same,

WoW,We really are living with the same man! My husband is exact,I my self have been very confuse lately and taking on a lot,every time I search on line or search for ways to deal with him I just want to run far far away.According to what I have heard and read thus far,is,if he does not take treatment for his ADHD,living with an ADHD spouse without meds could be almost impossible,and they too must be willing to take the meds and work on change else it would not work.We as women I"FIND" to be very patient with them,and they on the other hand is not taking this ADHD,seriously,and what they would never know "sadly"is that is affects everyone around them,but,the person that is most affected is "US"the ones "IN THE RELATIONSHIP".I on the other hand left him on Saturday,and promised my self never to return,but,I am in a weak spot at this moment and,he is very smart,VERY,and knows how to trick me very good.I find my self talking to him on the phone as if I was in the wrong and not him! OMG that man is good.Everything he does "BAD"to me he has found the power somehow to turn that around on me.for example:he cheated,but,before that incident took place,he saw me giving a male friend a very innocent birthday hug and then tells me "you were hugging a man that's why i cheated" the man he refers to is my good friend of 6 years now.I really am at this strange point in my life more so than ever and he is taking full advantage of me right now,but as far as for him I am not going to even take him on no more,and try and do what's best for my two kids of whom is not his,THANK GOD,and my self.My advice is if you can't keep a book home and read it,try to keep one at work maybe and read it on your spare time,also,get" Melissa orlov" books and read it,or you could try as much to look on line and watch the video's on line, they have many if you go to Utube,learn as much as you could about ADHD,and their symptoms they carry so in the future tell yourself the next time he acts up,or throw mood swings or tantrums,now you know it's NOT YOU! and also try your best to get him diagnosed properly,use your charm and convince him,right now that's what i am doing with my husband,and I know they could be in denial but,explain to him that if he does not do it, that's of course if he has not done it already,tell him that you love him and want him to get better to keep your family together,and you don't want to lose him.I did that and some how he agreed and then dis agree but then I got him to agree again.I don't know if that will work for you but you could try that.Keep me up dated..goodluck!.............from:lovehurtsalotwithanger.

Good idea for reading at

Good idea for reading at work. Have you researched the fish oil? I even take them too as well as him and his daughters (my step daughters to be). It is suppose to help them focus better. He tries sometimes to listen to me but honestly I don't think he knows when he is not listening to me. I sometimes feel so sorry for him cause I know... I know he can't help it. He really can't but it does not always make it easier for me. He yells when he is angry but also yells when he is really excited about something. Just last night I had to ask him "please don't yell I am right beside you here in bed" .. he was on his laptop.

I touched a guys arm once as I was laughing at something he said and I am a touchy person in that manner but do it with women to. That didn't go over well he was gonna leave me at the party. He has never cheated on me and I don't think he would for fear I would retaliate and do the same. The one thing I know for sure about ADHD is that it is very difficult for them to see where they are wrong. This is not my first incounter with ADHD my children's father had it and my 22 year son still has it. My son told me just last week that he knows when his mind is wondering on many different thoughts and he knows he has it. His girlfriend is now starting to feel the affects of it but won't read about it. I didn't know what I know now about it but maybe if I did I could have saved my first marriage and helped my son more in school. 

I can tell you what I love about the ADHD Man I am with now: he is active and very fit, loves adventure, never a boring moment ..ever... he can be so so very loving and cuddles alot....lets his daughters put make up on him and paint his nails and do face masks.Buys me flowers every month for 3 years with only maybe two months where I didn't get any.  He can have a wonderful sense of humour and is very good to friends and family (again maybe sometimes to impress them). Its when he is in the "throws of ADHD" as I like to call it, is when its really hard to handle. If there wasn't some great qualities about him I would never stay. I don't have children with him and I am independent financially I guess its the love.

When he is in "the throws of ADHD" its like I am not in the room, everything he says is important and what I say is not. I am never right about anything. I could tell him the sky is blue and he would say "no its not" but if a friend tells him " hey you know the ski is blue" he would say " your right it is" then come home and tell me "honey so and so said the ski is blue .. it really is blue".. I would say.. "yup told you that" .. he would say.." no you didn't.. hahahahahaha.. I have so many other stories like this. His exwife asked me one time to have a friend of his tell him something about his daughters eye condition because if she tries to tell him he won't believe her. Hahahahah Funny I said to her that is how he is with me now. She just said... "better you then me".  

Reading and talking her about it helps me. I also told him that I choose to not be around him when he is angry. So i leave the room or go for a coffee or a drive. I come home calm ask how he is and give him a kiss and hug so he knows I still love him.... but I will not tolerate the mood swings or the temper. 

MagicSandwich's picture

Untreated ADHD spouse

Hi dgreen

For me, it seemed like a few extra seconds of unintentional eye contact during a blah discussion triggered my in-denial ADHD spouse to verbally abuse me, and therefore it was very easy to believe that minimizing my eye contact with him would reduce these behaviors. I had plans like this in place for all of my spouse's observable triggers that I thought I could change with my own behavior. Of course, this was magical thinking and it got me nowhere. The only real advice I can give you about handling an untreated ADHD spouse is that there isn't any.  Nobody - not even a physician - can be useful to a person who remains willfully ignorant and/or aggressive when approached about their ADHD. This is true for people in denial of other chronic conditions too, such as alcoholism and diabetes. 

As long as your husband admits to having ADHD one day only to change his mind about it the next, there's not much you can do.  I mean, you can certainly choose to keep putting up with the double-standards for conduct and you can continue helping him find his daily missing articles around the house. You are also free to do something else. His ADHD behavior will not change if you choose A over B. It's hard to grasp that what you do or don't do has no bearing on his impulsivity etc.  His behavior will change only when HE gets real about it. If he makes the choice to treat his ADHD, he might then be able to "see" you and be affected by the many loving things you do. 

Best of luck, 

Magic

 

I have heard this so many

I have heard this so many times that if it goes untreated the relationship will not last. This saddens me greatly because I see the great man he can be. I just have alot of love and hope at this point still that this can get better. Like I said at this point i have him taking fish oil. Its a start to helping him with focusing. He refuses any kind of meds for ADHD because of side effects. He also refused consent for his daughter to take them. He has on a few occasions to agree to herbal remedies. That gave me hope. But we are now at a time when he denies ADHD and thinks its just our relationship problems and my anxiety. Funny thing also is that at times he will tell me he feels anxious??? I believe I read that this can be a side symptom of ADHD? I should have not come back the last time I left when he admited to ADHD and was willing to get treatment. I came back to soon and we fell into the same routine. : -(  ..... I wish there was no such thing as ADHD for his sake and the my son's. His parents have been married now for 42 years and I know that one of them MUST have it in order for him to have gotten it. I see it in some of his other family members too. I wonder how his parents made it work? 

Because he has admitted to being hyper and the temper maybe I can work on those two issues somehow and hope that this may lower the symptoms of ADHD. Of course it would have to be a natural approached (herbal)? Any ideas?

 

MagicSandwich's picture

what works and what does not

Hi again,

Listen, all of that holistic fish oil stuff for ADHD is hogwash. 

The only scientifically conclusive study on fish oil and ADHD was done in 2010.  And by "scientific" I mean a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled trial  - the gold standard in research.  For sixteen weeks, 450 children (a large enough sample to be definitive) aged 8–10 years old from a regular public school population were studied pre and post oil. The outcomes showed absolutely no improvement AT ALL in attentiveness/symptoms. http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0891422210000156

Regarding the use of fish oil for symptoms of anxiety and depression, a 2007 Drugs and Therapeutics Bulletin review concluded that there was no convincing basis for using oil as a treatment.  The book and movie about Lorenzo's Oil is about a different condition. 

Stimulants and therapy and coaching and love and h o n e s t y from friends and family. That's what works. 

 

He needs to address his drug

He needs to address his drug and alcohol abuse first.  He will never be able to give you what you deserve until he deals with this.  I have ADHD and it is hard enough just with this to be present to my husband.  My husband deserves better.  I can't even imagine if I had drug and alcohol issues on top of it.  Take it from me, if you love him, be supportive to him...but don't get involved, you deserve better.  I believe anyone can overcome obstacles in his/her life.  But let him overcome them first.  You can't do it for him.  I have been physically abusive to my husband.  Hopefully, since he is a lot bigger and stronger, he has not been physically injured.  I would not want the same thing happening to you.  Even with the greatest love in an ADHDers heart, very painful and hurtful things can happen.

My husband has not been

My husband has not been diagnosed while with me however, his ex-wife did tell me he was diagnosed when they were married. He denies this to be true. His daughter, once she started school, was diagnosed and he did not consent to her being put on any medication for it. So the mother works very hard with her school work to help her stay focused. We both have agreed to use the fish oil also, which I have to tell him is for his cardio health in his case. He believes his children inherited ADHD from the mother. I have been to every web site there is on ADHD. I have also read one book about it front to back (none that anyone has suggested here). Everything I read no matter which site I am or which book I read it is like the book is written for him and about him. He appears to be very ADHD. It is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I think for me the one thing that really upsets me the most is that he never listens to me. As I speak he will say "oh ya" then before I am even finished talking he moves on to something about him only to change that subject within minutes to something else about him. 

He has told me to focus on the good things and not the negative. I asked him to practice what he preaches. He has told me not to take the yelling and temper personally. How do I do that? If i focus on myself it backfires on me. I go out with friends.. i must be cheating.. if I take and class and study he feels neglected and and I ignoring him. He asked me to keep my financials separate from him because his ex wife controlled the money and he felt controlled and held down. However, if I invest my money he says that I am not including him??? I could go on and on.  I am sure you can see my sense of hopelessness and frustration with this. How do I help him to see he needs to actively do something about this? 

dgreen,

I feel for you really,You remind me so much of what I am going through with my husband,but the truth remains is that we can't "MAKE"them get diagnosed or "MAKE"them take meds,they have to want that for them selves first before you can actually see results.The first step to improvement is admittance,if it is he does not want to get treated or take meds,then like you said it will be the same "ROUTINE"over and over again,but,even if he does decide to take meds or treatment,therapy,"FOR YOU"according to what I have learnt it still would not work,he has to want to make change for the betterment for his own self. You are not" helpless"WE" are not "helpless",we are just so hopeful things would work out.leave it up to god, give him your burdens, and he would help you through this painful struggle,I am very sorry "WE"are in this and I know how hard this can be,when they treat us like QUEEN'S and then treat us like CRAP.I have had all the roller coaster rides up and down and still present up till now "I AM BACK TO SQUARE ONE" no change....lovehurtsalotwithanger

I read your post about going

I read your post about going back to him because you love him. I did the EXACT same thing last summer. It was devastateing for me. I couldn't sleep, eat or work. I even had a panic attack one day. I was so sad for us. I went back after only 2 weeks. Of course in a typical ADHD way he had to try to convince me that it was still me and he was taking me back only if I agreed to change some things. Hahahahaha.. He gave me a list. I only asked of him to be more careful of how he chooses to talk to me and to get help for his ADHD and his temper. We had two very horrible experiences with two Dr.'s. One gave him a test for a 5 year old. Needless to say after that he refused to believe he had ADHD. :-( and I have been struggling since. One word of advice to help you understand better that I got off this site. Go to U-Tube and watch videos by Dr. Russel Barkley. It will make things so much clearer to you. It will explain why he just can't help it or see it. Hope this helps you. 

MagicSandwich's picture

Not take the verbal abuse

Not take the verbal abuse personally? Ha! Listen, you are up against the wall and you can't do anything until he gets real about his ADHD. How much longer are you going to be comfortable in his echo chamber?

Approach the behavior

 Perhaps if you approach him at a different angle, he will get to the same end result that you desire.  So try doing what he says, find something positive and focus on how it could improve for him if he addressed certain issues in his life.  Two things made me get diagnosed:  1.  My husband threatened to leave (and meant it).  2.  There were things in life that I wanted to experience and achieve but I just couldn't the way I was.  After I decided that, yes, something was terribly wrong with me (and that is a very, very hard thing to do when your whole life has been focused on blaming others), my husband was very supportive in that he didn't make my getting better all about him or how it would help him.  He focused on me being a better person in life.  Now, he made it clear initially that he needed me to change so that he could have a good life.  He did not want to take the abuse.  

We had a terrible incident the other day when I was abusive.  During that whole time he kept looking me in the eye and calming repeating, "Stop, I don't deserve this.  I am a good guy."  He did not yell back or try to win the argument.  It made me soooooo furious.   But it was so very affective.   I not only realized that I was fighting against myself (not him) but I remember looking in his eyes and seeing the pain I was causing.  I never was able to do that before.   If only your husband could take a break from his chaotic brain and see you as a living, breathing, feeling human being.   Us ADHDers have a very difficult time doing that sometimes.  

He obviously does not want the diagnosis of ADHD.  Maybe give up the push for an ADHD diagnosis for a while and just ask him why he behaves the way he does.  He can't use his childhood as an excuse anymore (like I did).  And, I don't think he could possibly admit to wanting to be angry.  Does he have a life long goal or dream.  Maybe try to help him achieve that or move closer to that.  I know it is unfair and you have to be the very selfless one to do this.  But, if he keeps hitting road blocks because of something that he is or isn't doing, he will "see the light"!  

Be strong, be consistent, be in control, and be willing to follow through with consequences when you need to.  Treat him as if he were a teenager but don't ever tell him you are treating him as if he were a teenager.  He will fight every boundary you have to see how far he can push.  Stand your ground and don't feed into his unpredictable, chemically unbalanced, uncontrolled brain.  Be an adult.  He needs structure and if he looses you, he is going to have a hard time.  Try not to bring blame into the picture because he really can not control it without medication.  But he can control getting the medication and he needs to know that is where he can get the control he so desires.  

Hope this helps.  All of you spouses of ADHDers really help me to see how my actions affect others.  Thank you for sharing so much.

I have done what your

I have done what your husband did so many times also. I am constantly saying to him " I am a good person". He always says "yes I know that". I then always ask him "then why do you say these things to me? its like you don't like me". He just tells me it's in my head and I am taking it the wrong way. Well there is just no other way to take it. Then sometimes later he says sorry or buys me flowers. I am up and down myself sometimes. I am starting to think I have ADHD also. I am not even sure if its ADHD or Anxiety or stress of living with ADHD. A year ago before I started to read about ADHD I really thought it was me and I was going crazy. Running to the Dr. to have my hormones checked... they are fine. He told me in the start of our relationship that his ex-wife has Bi-Polar and was always up and down. Well that's me now. I don't have Bi-polar but life with him is up and down. I told him it's not us its our reaction to your up and downs. One day your great and loving.. the day you insult and and yelling and tempered. Again focus on the good not the bad. How do I make him see he needs to do the same. I can clean this house top to bottom and pack the car for a weekend get away, do laundry, pay bills and on and on and it's not enough. I come home very tired after a GO GO GO weekend with him and lay down to rest for one hour before work and he says... " you gonna sleep all day". I nearly fell out of the bed. I said to him " after all the work I did this weekend I don't deserve a one hour rest before I have to go to work on a Sunday night? It's so hurtful !!!

I try to be strong, consistent and in control. I do really good for while but then he almost starts to resent that somehow then I fall back into the bad routine. Your right he fights it. I told him that when he comes home yelling and screaming about little things or appears to be very angry and worked up about something. I will leave the house. Go for a walk a coffee or something. I am not sure if this works. I think one he got mad at me and started a fight over nothing really. I guess I just need to keep reading and blogging here. Most of the advice here is good. 

When you say treat him as a teenager what do you mean? Can you give me some examples in relation to ADHD?

 

Thank you for your support and help I hope you now how appriciated it is.

I just need to listen more than give advice.

 

Sometimes I make connections where there might not be any so please forgive me and bear with me as I try to explain my whole teenager analogy.  I say you have to treat him like a teenager because when I examine my own actions and thoughts, I sometimes feel like a confused teenager, awkward and unsure and frightened needing a safe home and someone to set my boundaries.  I guess as I'm thinking of it, our spouses shouldn't have to play that role and that is some of the problem with our relationships.   We are a lot like teenagers though:  Teenagers are going through so many physical, emotional, and hormonal changes.  Sometimes they make bad decisions because they don't know any better.  Their reality is THEIR reality, not the worlds.  They think they are invincible and their parents just don't understand.  They push boundaries and try new things to see how it feels.  They are very selfish at that age.  The only difference I see is that teenagers grow out of it and we ADHDers never do, always fighting chemical imbalances, always making bad decisions, always creating our own reality and explaining it by saying...people just don't understand me.  ADHDers push boundaries until people leave because a wife or a husband is not a parent to them and should not be expected to raise them.  We really don't want people to take it personally but we are foolish in thinking that is possible.  

I'm confusing myself right now.  I really shouldn't be giving advice to anyone and should just be listening right now.  I just want to change so bad that I want to change everyone else with my problem too...isn't that ironic since I'm trying to get away from making everyone see it my way.  Thanks for taking the time to read this nonsense! 

 

 

 

not defined by adhd,

you are "not" talking nonsense,in fact I find you to be talking allot of what is the reality of an ADHD person and what they go through,I am with my ADHD husband "AGAIN" and you are very right I have to treat him like he is a teenager,because,he has the mind as "one" and I quit agree at everything you have to say.Remember, sharing thoughts and input into this is helping everyone,even me.Don't be so hard on yourself that is just your mind,and it plays the role of making up stories in your mind,I have experienced that with my ADHD husband and I have to sometimes remind him what a smart and intelligent man he is.so please continue to educate us we need that,,,,,,,,......lovehurtsalotwithanger.

no longer afraid to be hard on myself

Dear lovehurtsalotwithanger,  Thank you so much for caring enough to respond.  I am no longer afraid to be hard on myself.  Reading your story and the stories of other has humbled me.  I need to be hard on myself.  I am finding that this is the only way I know if my thoughts are reality or just another convoluted opinion. Maybe if I can learn how to do this constructively I will be able to deal with others when their opinions and experiences differ from mine.  I don't know...I'm just shooting at the wind and trying anything that helps.  God Bless.