Save My Marriage

I know I have ADD, have been diagnosed with it, but more importantly have recognized the symptoms from early childhood. I have tried several medications over the years, but for various reasons haven't followed through on them.

I have had as issue with porn for several years, and my wife has made it clear on more then one occasion that this was unacceptable, and that she would end our marriage over it. I would plead with her each time, apologize and promise never to do it again, but would continue to do what she asked me not to. Tonight she found it again, and is saying this is it, that our marriage is over. I need to find a way to stop this problem and hopefully save my marriage.

I have told her I was sorry many times before, and that I wouldn't do it again, so I can't blame her for not believing me, I have said I care about her more then anything, but how can I say that when I didn't care enough to stop?

Part of my problem is not being able to accept that I have a problem, I thought because I only looked at porn online, that I didn't spend money on it, nor did I seek out other types of relationships (chats, etc) that I really wasn't addicted, I am now realizing that because I couldn't keep a promise to the person who is most important to me that I really do have a problem with porn addition.

This honestly may be in fact the final straw, because there are other problems in our marriage that my ADD makes even more difficult. We own a small business together, and our communication, labor division creates anger and frustration on her part, and frustration, and self esteem issues on mine. My issues seem to always manifest themselves as anger pointed at her and she is hurt and reacts with anger as well (not that I blame her).

I know I need help, both counseling, as well as medication, but honestly with our business being severely down in this economy, and the fact that I have no medical insurance makes it hard. I would love any suggestions that anyone has to offer.  I desperately want to not only save my 10 year marriage, but also want to improve my life either way.

Thank you!

Lahlon

P.S.- I am 55 years old

ebb and flow's picture

I think nothing should stand

I think nothing should stand in your way when it comes to medication and therapy.... regardless of whether your marriage stays together or not.

It sounds to me like you recognize this "porn issue" as an addiction and that it, as well as your other behaviours, are making you feel negative emotions inside. These negative emotions need to be addressed by someone who understands what you're going through-- like a therapist who specializes in ADHD.

I know it's hard, but it sounds like you know you need to get a grip on the situation and that you have an idea of how to do it .... you're just scared to go ahead with it.

The best you can do is try different methods to make things better in your life. Once you've found something that works.. don't give up!

 

First off, kudos to you for

First off, kudos to you for caring enough to at least reach out for advice and support.

Second, when you repeat a behavior that you KNOW is hurtful to your marriage, your apologies eventually mean nothing. Been there, done that. I even told my husband "your words mean nothing to me when your actions are breaking my heart and ripping our marriage apart". You know you have a problem, you are a grown man capable of thought and feeling, so get yourself into counseling and learn how to beat the behavior that leads you to look at porn when you know it is destroying your marriage. I want to say "just stop doing it, for Christ's sake!!" .. but alas, I know it isn't that easy when you have ADD.

You cannot continue the pattern. If you stand a chance in hell then you'll find a counselor who specializes in ADD and can help you change your hurtful pattern of behaviors. This is the only way to prove to your wife that you care more about her than you do the 'fix' you get from the porn. Find a counselor...sooner rather than later!

Best of luck!