Submitted by jennalemone on 11/04/2018.
There is some grief in your life when you accept the reality that something has died or that something was not what you thought is was or could be. Today I am just feeling that grief that I cannot change the things I cannot change. So I guess I must do the lonely work of changing what I can. But today is just a rest and accept and grieve day.
You are not alone,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You are not alone, jennalemone. I'm thinking of you, and I'm sure many other adhdmarriage visitors are, too.
I like the rest and acceptance part....
Submitted by c ur self on
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR9UsXgIAjg
This helps me w/ the grief...About the third time through it...If you find yourself up dancing around the room w/ your hand in the air....You may find out that no other human can steal your Joy;)
Bless u dear Jenna!
PS...Turn your volume up!
c
I really like the Amy
Submitted by Libby on
I really like the Amy Carmichael quote "In acceptance lieth peace" I hope you found some moments of peace in your grieving. And I totally understand what you are saying.
So somebody else has said that...LOL...
Submitted by c ur self on
( "In acceptance lieth peace")
Well, I for one, have found it to be true......Mostly I just feel pity, and sympathy for her these days...
c
Defiance
Submitted by jennalemone on
To those of you with ADD/ADHD, it is not so much the forgetfulness or the overwhelm or any of those things that make it difficult for your partners. It is when you can't acknowledge or are unaware that you have caused someone else's disappointment/sadness and if you would just say the words, "I did this. I didn't mean to. I'm Sorry" it would be SO helpful toward a partnership. Even adorable. It is the crazy-making of being dismissed by the one person who you thought would be on a team WITH you that is so destructive. The most hurtful thing is to be told that the pain someone feels is not there. Or that they should not feel bad and they should just stop being too sensitive. Or that the hurtful thing you did is minimized or did not happen. That they are nuts because they have feelings. THAT is the hurt I cannot live with. Being dismissed. Being told my reality does not exist (or at least does not exist in my husband's awareness).
The last words H said to me A WEEK AGO was "Shut-up" in the car in front of our grown son after I told H to slow down. The next day I told H to not talk to me until he apologized. He only denied that he said it and he said he was not speeding 80 mph. (he definitely was). He had been drinking and would not let me drive us (my car). His entitled ego is more important to him than we are. I AM going to make this a big deal. Way too many of these things happen way too often where I just let it go and forgive. But they add up. Letting it go gives him permission to do it again, and again, and again.
Boy do I hear you in this. If
Submitted by Libby on
Boy do I hear you in this. If I had a nickel for every time my DH has said the words "it doesn't matter" to any and all concerns I have. It just makes me feel like I am crazy. I am constantly doubting my reality because of his angry denying responses to me. It is just plain lying in my mind.
So you said you are going to make a big deal. And what do you think will happen if you do that?
Strength and Honor
Submitted by jennalemone on
What has happened again and again and again is this: He says nothing. Does nothing. He erases it from his mind as though he never did it. This is because for all of the years I forgave him again and again. He forgets. Am I holding a grudge? No. I am just feeling my feelings toward him. Even partnership does not work with him. I let too many things go. If he feels no pain personally, it is in his brain that it did not happen. He has even said these words to me when we were young. "If you don't like it, you know what you can do." "Sit on it?" "Go to Hell?" "Get lost?" all those things echo in my ears. I didn't have the money, support, network, permission from my culture/faith, strength, sense of my own value.
If we were young and I knew then what I know now, I would have had many, many defining moments and scenes. He is better at in your face confrontations than I am but I would have had to steel myself to make my defiant stands just as loudly and as awful as his. I should have found support elsewhere and if he would not acknowledge me, I should have stayed away.
My DH will say the words "I'm
Submitted by Libby on
My DH will say the words "I'm not going to worry about that" to any confrontation I make. It's like he is making a conscious choice not just forgetting. Really!? How can a person do that to someone they supposedly love. It boggles my mind.
I am so sorry you are going thru this and I too wish I had had the strength and resources to leave when I was younger. I do not have the energy to leave or the energy to stay well either. So where does that leave me.....
And another quote. This one
Submitted by Libby on
And another quote. This one by George Elliot....
What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other.
I love this quote. And this has been very much my way of thinking in my marriage. Unfortunately my DH has taken full advantage of this. I have bent over backwards to accommodate and make life less difficult for him. He of course has not reciprocated.
Be thankful Jenna that you aren't good at it....
Submitted by c ur self on
Getting loud and over powering someone verbally, just makes it much worse....I know, I could handle the face to face stuff...SADLY!....But that only made me have to repent and ask her for forgiveness....And all that was doing was allowing her a place to dump her blame, or like you pointed out, pretend it never happened....So she would absolve herself of her original behavior...Jenna in my opinion you did right, NEVER be hard on yourself for all the painful work that you have done, trying to have a right relationship with your husband....Let the end of life regret belong to someone else!
The problem is we keep putting our hand in the snake's cage in the name of love and hope!....So they really never have to learn accountability (not to bite the hand that loves them) in the marriage, because we keep coming back for more....I must forgive to be forgiven....But, once I forgive....I need to stop doing what ever I'm doing that is causing this up and down dynamic...Those comments you listed, and all the out-bursts that many of get thrown at us, isn't ours....My wife hasn't spoken over a few words since last Tuesday on the way home for our trip...Now for 10 years, I would hate this withdrawal and pouting so bad, (lack of fellowship) that I would try to discuss it, only to be hammered w/ blame...Not any longer! (thank you Jesus)...I have chosen to forgive, and live happily and contented....Her disrespect, and pouting has no power over me...It's her's, not mine, and I'm not going to take one ounce of ownership for it....If I had done this 10 years ago....Quiet, calm, no reply's to things that wern't respectful and honorable to me, the marriage, and to God.....But, I kept reacting to it, like I was responsible for it, or like I could fix it.....That was gas on the fire for us both.....WOW, I'm hard headed....Better late than never!
This is the most important piece that must be learned (and accepted) in our marriage relationships....There is just no ability for many of our spouses to maintain kindness and respect for any length of time....That makes a person unfit to trust (trust to be able to communicate calmly, honestly and rationally about their choices, living of life, and the results of their actions)....Throw in denial, and the selfish lack of effort (work) and it should be clear to us.....We must guard our hearts, recognize the dysfunction, never own it, or try to point it out....We all have plenty of work to do on ourselves, that does belong to us, without dwelling on someone we can't help....
Night....
c
So much to think about in
Submitted by dvance on
So much to think about in this post and the original post. There has been so much grief for me too--grief that the person I used to call the man of my dreams has turned out to be such a disappointment--other women, lies, financial disasters, lost jobs, letting himself go (questionable hygiene, weight gain), undermining parenting, the list goes on and on. It wasn't always like this-it's changed over time. The past seven years have been the worst. But yes-the grief-for what might have been, for the deep loneliness, for having to start over at age 48 alone, for all the self doubt that living with an unmedicated ADHD person brings.
I will say I would not find it adorable if DH said I did this, I didn't mean to. He tells me he didn't mean to ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING. He never means to do anything. And it's not adorable. He lets life wash over him. He is responsible for exactly nothing. He is the "no one told me I didn't know you didn't tell me" guy. I cannot stand that way of looking at life--that passive way of existing, the total lack of agency. It's very clever actually--if they don't make any decisions OR claim to not remember any decisions they made OR screw up decisions OR forget any pertinent information needed to make adult decisions, they can never be held accountable for anything. Pretty crafty of them huh?!?! They can live like constant children. Nice for them, not so much for the rest of us who would like to live like adults, with other adults. A recent example: DH never enforces homework in this house, never has. One child is a senior, his school uses Google Classroom (I do too at my school--it's terrific). Parents get an email at the beginning of the year and you sign up to receive automatic updates from google classroom daily--it tells you what assignments, tests, etc., went on each day. So sure enough-in August we both got the email from the high school, I answered it, put in the code, signed in, whatever it was (I can't remember) and so I get the emails. He did not. Yesterday we argued about him not making the child do homework and guess what--he whined he never got that email so how can he know what the homework is?? Yes he did get the email, he did not act on it. He wanted me to forward it to him. It was in August. I don't have it any more--contact the teachers. It won't happen. Another example of helplessness.
Being told YOU are the problem is a bizarre way to live, it's true. I doubt myself in a way that I just hate. Like reality isn't reality. He lies about the dumbest stuff and then I think, huh--maybe I am nuts. But we are not nuts. We live in reality--they do not. I hate that WE are the ones second guessing everything and they are so blissfully oblivious. I cannot wait to get out and live alone and see how I am without the insanity that is ADHD. I really don't want to see him, speak to him, nothing when I leave. I think the grief part is behind me, but it may come back to bite me when we split, we'll see.
In any case, to all of us on this thread--big hugs--we have value even if our people don't see it!
What strikes me in your
Submitted by vabeachgal on
What strikes me in your messages is that you're already living a great single life - concerts, cultural enrichment, enjoy your job, take time with friends, etc. - EXCEPT you have a huge drain on your time and energy. You may feel some grief, and grief is not always a linear process, but I suspect you're already further along in the grief process than you think.
And yes, I was always part of the "no one told me" "you never said" club. It made me livid, as if everyone gets a set of instructions for life and no one EVER has to be proactive and figure something out. EXACTLY!! It still infuriates me thinking about it. Like no one ever told him not to cheat or rack up debt so he didn't know what to do. oooohhhh, oookkkaaaayyy?????????
VBG...I forgot I was married? I forgot you have boundaries?
Submitted by c ur self on
"A life of forgetting and non-retention, makes for light work and responsibility"...I think most of us can agree, it's not one that makes for ease of interaction?... LOL....LOL...You made me laugh this morning!, Thank you!!....I sure hope you are well:)
c
No accountability
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
The fact that my husband seems to have no accountability is maddening. I am dismissed with a shrug. It is my fault for not reminding him more times when he forgets. I am "too sensitive". I am "too particular". I am "too emotional." Among many other things. I believed this nonsense for a (long) while. I am grateful for my awareness now and for slowly getting over the need to "be nice" and to be the peacemaker at any cost.
He lives like a grown child, responsible only to himself and his needs. Our daughter and I are in his way and treated as such and told we are crazy if we question him about how he treats us or speaks to us. I am tired of it all and I want my life back before I lose it to stress and depression.
I think the lack of accountability that now bothers me most is for the failure of our marriage. It eats at me that he will never see it. I do plan to leave eventually and he will believe it is my fault as will his family. Though he sits in a chair, staring at a screen, with no employment for the past 6 years and no inkling to spend time with me or our daughter or maintain our home together, he will truly believe he did a great job and I was un-pleaseable. I know I have to swallow that pill, but it is bitter. He feels he is fantastic and doing a wonderful job and I have to find a way to stop letting that get to me. He will actually praise himself OUT LOUD for being a "good husband" and "great father" and "good man" several times a week.
I understand why you need a day to grieve and feel your feelings sometimes, Jenna. You have earned these days and I think our healing journey requires these days. A marriage like this is crazy-making. My empathy is with you.
They seem to be masters at
Submitted by Libby on
They seem to be masters at manipulation. Looking like pretty amazing people from the outside. There have been times when I have tried to share and talk to other people about what my life is like. Most of the time they stare at me in disbelief. Like you have got to be kidding he is such a wonderful caring man....Really!?
Melody...
Submitted by c ur self on
(the peacemaker at any cost.)
I think I should always be nice (not that I am, but I think I should)....But, the peacemaker at any cost comment is the problem!....What happens in our relationships; and Libby said it in her comment..."They seem to be master's at manipulation"....It's self protection for them, figuring out how to get their way, and still blame the spouse (us)....It's what Jenna's last comment was saying causes her (us) so much pain...No ownership...I'm not saying this is add, but, I am saying it's something that most of us deal with, what ever causes it....
Reverting back to the comment about being nice again...I think you are defining nice here as a kindly spoken verbal attempt to bring light to the issue?? I have found in my experience's w/ my wife, this is the very last thing she wants....They don't want nice, they don't want to verbally speak truth about real issues, they want to be right, entitled, and to win....So they can have this feeling (to win) in their minds, if they shut you down, while you are verbally being nice....
What being Nice is in these situations (I have found out in our relationship anyway) is to not take part, if they are speaking disrespectful...That makes you easy prey, if they can get you to talk nicely...How many of us plays right into their hands w/ nice words? Or any words?...Look at Jenna's comment.....Ask her H to slow down, drinking and driving her car...He show's no respect at all for his wife....Shut up was his comment back....This type mind only care's for themselves (for the most part)....Being nice is to say nothing, and never trust them. They will seem fine at times, when it benefits them...I'm not talking about add/adhd...I'm talking about self-centered people, who only truly care about what is good for them....And has little to no conscience when it comes to their actions....No repentance....We have to recognize it, and not engage with this person....It will mean only pain & insults to engage with someone who has no convictions for kindness and peace to be shared....Who only wants to win at all costs....No rules!
The best way to be nice to my wife....(and I've just found the wherewithal to do it, after 10 years of trying to verbally point it out) after one of her episodes of disrespect is to chuckle and move on contented and happily living MY life....Being thankful and counting my blessings....It's been 8 day's and she has barely spoken...I got a text from her today asking me to pray for her, because she is struggling to put the disagreement behind her...So I prayed for her...But, what she calls a disagreement...Was only a simple no from me, when she sought to control or force me to do something she thinks is fine, and I think is wasteful and ridiculous....Now I've learned to accept our difference's...So I tell her when she does these things, to be safe, and that I love her, no matter what I think about it...Acceptance and respect for her individual rights....And she will learn ( or be unhappy a lot) to respect our difference's, also, and our boundaries....Calmly saying nothing when she has an outburst of any type...And never being afraid to say a calm loving no when it comes to her attempting to press me, (control) for her off the wall spontaneous idea's, that are selfish in nature....It's like I have told her many times, I will discuss anything she want's to, as long as she understands it's going to have to be calm and respectful dialogue...And unified agreements...Or I'm out....
We just can't live in a predetermined mind w/ our partners...Or we will never accept the difference's, and still be respectful of the union....But it works both ways...Acceptance that is...You will have to force your spouse's to respect you by being kind...(not taking part in anything but healthy, calm and loving interaction....It may take a while for you to learn to be silent, and say no....And once you get empowered, it may take a while for them to believe you want play the game any longer....But, they will eventually learn to respect the difference's also....
c
c ur self
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I agree with a lot of what you've said here. My issue is that being "nice" and compromising comes naturally for me. It is who I am to do things for others, to see a marriage as a partnership and to support a partner with everything I've got. In the beginning of our relationship, being myself was fine. Though nothing is perfect, there was true give and take in most areas. As with most ADHD couples, our relationship changed once the hyperfocus was lost and I can no longer be myself and survive this relationship. And that shift bothers me. He is doing virtually anything he wants to while I have become someone surrounded by boundaries that don't come naturally in a marriage that doesn't function as any true marriage should. I am reluctantly living like a lonely single person for survival. I am unable to have a meaningful conversation with him. I am losing myself in protecting myself.
But I see what you are saying. We change our steps in the dance and they may do the same. In small ways he is learning I won't engage in the game anymore and every little bit is helpful. I finally accept who is is and where we are. I can't echo your thoughts on acceptance enough. Learning acceptance has helped me not only in this relationship, but in many areas of life. I didn't realize how exhausting wishing things could be different was... until I let that go. Phew... what a difference! Sadly, I am not "respectful of the union" any longer. It was painful to get to this place and took about the last 12 years of our 20+ together. I admire your resolve, c.
I am divorced; my ex was
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am divorced; my ex was diagnosed with ADHD. Here is how "compromise" worked and works in our relationship. I like to communicate. He doesn't. Even before we were married, he covered up or avoided issues that were difficult for him. This continued when we were married. Then he started ghosting me. I would like to have some communication with him because we have adult daughters who visit me and would like to see him when they're in state. But he controls communication, by not responding.
Acceptance is hard but is crucial to my mental health.
Thank you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Every time you post here, I want to thank you for your post-relationship perspective. It is so rare and valuable. So thank you so much, PI.
Yes PI....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Acceptance is hard but is crucial to my mental health.)
Yes...No truer statement....
Melody, I hear you, we are so much a like...
Submitted by c ur self on
I hear you...I too see no reason our marriage can't be great!..
Serving, loving, and putting myself out there is how I live life, (it's who I am)....It made very successful on the job, and in life....But, the close quarters of a marriage, with someone soooo different...Well I just can't place my expectations for me, on her....If I don't attempt to look at life through her lens, when dealing w/ her....I can easily step in it....My wife easily gets dependent in many parts of responsible living...Because it is just not natural to her...She thinks fun and enjoyment first....I think responsibilities first.....If I loose site of that, and don't keep my boundaires in place....And still be at peace, regardless of what she may be pushing, then emotions can get involved, instead of quiet calm understanding of what is taking place....It's really simple....We maybe one flesh...But we have to distinct mindsets working that most of the time is as far as the east is from the west....And I do well to never forget that...Because at the present, she don't want to accept anything but her thoughts, and that I should be willing to fit in there, without a thought....LOL.....
I must live in the reality of the moment, instead of the fairy tail....The reason i can respect the union is because in my opinion God made it, it's perfect!....Only people are messed up! So, I must try to see through God's eyes, and attempt to live by faith in him to save me from my tendencies, baggage, and selfishness (carnal nature).......
Even though our difference's are HUGE...likes....dislikes....lifestyles.....I have to force myself to look deeper than the surface habits....The girl that will drive 60 miles in traffic to get to a Trader Joe's store (and buy a handful of things) because she loves the novelty of it....The girl who will watch recorded programs (ncis, blacklist, Dr. who..ect) for hours w/ no thought of her husband's needs, or how dirty her house is, or even when any of last ate.....The girl who lays through 45 minutes of alarms, before she actually gets up and has to rush to dress and get out the door, to make it to the time clock on time (most everyday)..LOL....That girl....Is my angel!...She is who I vowed to God, to love and cherish for my life time...And she needs and deserves a peaceful loving environment, the same as I do....
So the best product I can hope for in my marriage is.....That I honor what God requires of me as a husband...w/o question, those things (the gospel as it relates to husbands,) are not optional, or choices, for my consideration..They are things I pray to be molded by...But the things that are living of life choices, I only hope I do it w/ wisdom, and consideration...That I avoid selfishness, but, never feel bad, about my wife choosing a different path with her choices....I can't afford to miss what God is speaking to me....I can't afford to be so distracted by her choices and lifestyle, that I miss my purpose in life....To love the people God puts in my path each day...To experience, and live out expressions of God's love to others, through me.....And that must start in my attitude toward my wife, and our marriage.....
I so want the best for you Melody, and all of us, who find ourselves in difficult marriages....
c
Same.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
After our divorce, my ex came out smelling like a rose in the eyes of his family, and everyone else. Everything was my fault, he was such a great husband and father, and I was a such a selfish b**ch for leaving him. The reality was that he spent as little time as possible with our two children, and constantly criticized and belittled me.
The song that matches your
Submitted by Brindle on
The song that matches your post title (I’m guessing you had that song in mind) was my theme song for a long while. This was before I knew he had adhd and also before I realized that he really doesn’t want to put the work in necessary to get what would be a good marriage. I tried and tried to get him to talk to me the same way he talks to other people. I tried and tried to make my feelings of abandonment clear to him without using that actual word because I knew he’d balk immediately and refuse to listen. I asked for specific things. I tried doing all kinds of lovely things on my end to encourage him and make it easier so he wouldn’t feel like I was saying “you change, but I don’t have to do anything for you.”
But none of it worked. I have pretty much given up on him. Not because I think he isn’t capable. But because I now know that he doesn’t want to. Recent (as in the past two years) conversations where he openly said it have shed light on all his actions. This isn’t a case of such severe adhd that he can barely function in relationships or society. This is a case of adhd that is made worse by his generally entitled attitude. He didn’t start out this way. He wasn’t entitled when I met him. He has slowly changed over time in that area.
So, yeah grieving over the loss. And constantly checking myself not to soothe him or try to make things better when he is angry with me for selfish reasons. It’s my nature to try to repair things... but he only wants my capitulation, not repair. What can you do with a person like that, except grieving? Well, there are a few other options: detaching, moving on... But that all happens in a seemingly never-ending spiral, with each thing of grieving, detaching, and moving on happening in stages and increments. I’m tired of coming back around to sadness. I want to not care at all anymore, ever again. But that isn’t me. Maybe I should be grateful that it isn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t like the person I’d be.
Oh Brindle--your last few
Submitted by dvance on
Oh Brindle--your last few sentences make me want to cry for you and for all of us. Some other post on here a long time ago said something like "he who cares the least wins" which is the experience for a lot of us--our ADHD people care very little and so they are much happier than we are, we who care about them and having a satisfying marriage and a savings account and decent credit and stable employment and a clean house and paid bills and friends and hobbies and the list goes on. They don't care about those things so they are happy without them. It blows. I will confess the not caring at all any more ever again--that is what scares me the most, what makes me want to get out of this pathetic marriage as soon as I can because I don't want to be dead inside like that. Most of us already are to some degree, me included--we have had to shut down so many of our loving, fun, lighthearted parts in order to function in the bizarre ADHD worlds we are stuck in...which makes me sad for us. I want someone to bring me flowers for no reason. I want someone to hold down a job for more than three years and not act like that is some kind of anomaly, like they are some kind of hero for working. I want someone to sweep me off my feet with love and desire. I want someone to look at me like I am the best thing they ever lucked into, not like I am some big bother that spoils all their fun, that makes them do the boring stuff, that gets in the way of them doing whatever the hell they want to do. I want someone, that when I come home from work and have a work story to tell, they don't huff and sigh and pause the iPad and pull their headphones out and drum their fingers while I talk--maybe they would actually find ME or US more interesting than youtube videos. Does that exist? I have no idea. I agree that the grieving happens in stages and it's exhausting. For me, I can be fine and strong for a period of time, sometimes a pretty long time-doing my own stuff, seeing friends, going out, work is humming along, whatever, and then it hits me how lonely I really am and for a week or so everything is just a slog. And how exactly would I explain that to someone?? I'm in a bad mood because I am married to an ADHD person who barely knows I exist? There's a conversation killer. I know in my heart I don't want to be an empty cold person who doesn't care about anyone else, but it's the best way to function right now. But I don't like it. I don't have a solution. I am planning my exit--I am under contract at my current teaching job until June 2019. I have already started talking to people and scoping out other jobs for after that. Right now I do not make enough to pay rent on my own and while the lawyer I spoke to said I am entitled to spousal support for the rest of my life since we were married for 23 years, if DH gets fired after three years as is his pattern, and we are not under the same roof, what would his motivation be to go get another job? Like a dead beat dad, the court can decree whatever they want, if he doesn't work, then what? So I need to make more money in case that happens. I cannot continue to live like this much longer. My counselor thinks I should stick it out for one more year after this in case DH spirals (he has had a breakdown) but you know, I don't think I can put my life on hold and keep babysitting him for that long. Now, if I cannot find a better paying job, I don't know if I can leave. This is my year to figure it out--one child is graduating from HS in June and going to college in September, the other one is living at home one more year and taking classes at the community college, so there would only be one child home full time. I did float the idea of HIM getting the two bedroom and I would get a studio and the kids would live with him but I don't know if I can do that. I can't imagine not seeing my kids every day (when they are home from college). I don't know. Thoughts anyone??
I am sorry for all that we have to do without--we all deserve more.
Dvance
Submitted by Brindle on
I want to cry for all of us, too. It’s true - we have had to shut down some very cool parts of ourselves to cope. It isn’t... safe. I’m trying to get those parts back in other areas and feed my heart outside of this relationship. I lost so much of myself while I was trying to figure out how to make the relationship work and how to get through to him. Now that I finally know what’s wrong and all that, I’m trying to rebuild me. I liked myself better before.
Sorry - it posted before I was done!
I am proud of you for setting goals and working toward things. I’m sorry you understand this pain.