Scanning the horizon to build up his stimulation,

Besides building communication progress with my DH, and on DH behalf trying to make progress,I still find him scanning the horizon to make us fight,he would come home by me on mornings before going to work to get his breakfast,(I run my business from home), and then leave with a good morning kiss and the days well wishes,but,before doing this he would scan the whole horizon by my work site to see what's undone, like the floor might need sweeping at the time or the yard or anything he could scan to build up an argument with me,to stimulate him,I read about this so it really don't bother me as much as before seeing I know now what is the difference in his thinking,actions,and deeds.(Mind over matter).

He has been doing this ever since he left my home and got his own apartment,I would say that I find that to be sooooo!!! "BOLD FACE"( is he really a man?????? ),,,"NO!!!!!",,, "not at all", men don't do that,in fact a man would help his wife when things are undone or needs doing at the time,but I understand that,that is his ADHD and all the rest of his underlying problem,I feel so sorry for him and I love him for real, and I wish he don't have to do these things to feel some sort of relief that would result(stimulation) in more"depression's"in the long haul,I have been talking to him a lot about ADHD and reading to him on the weekends but,only then and there he would understand it and then two hours later he would forget all i read,saying to him over and over again he needs to go and get help by the professionals with a fast paste to have his ADHD under some sort of level control.Well so far he has been making lots of excuses,well that's left to be seen after his projects is completed then I would really know how for real he is.

Another thing that has been going on for the past length of our marriage is that he wants me to keep "NO" personal contact with his Mother,children mother's,etc,etc no contact with any member of his family that might tell me what he did to them in the past that might cause me to figure out who he was or what he did and he was afraid that he would get"caught"of, "all"his wrong doings,LOL,I know them all when I found out his real problem doing my researches,I still would not have left him even though I found out b/c once he is not a murderer I have nothing to be that fearful about,I believe that the past is the past and that is not"our"future with his ex's and clearly my only past concerns for him is the child abuse and ADHD from childhood thru adulthood that's it! but,he is very wrong to keep me away from his Mother,my mother-in-law I don't like that at all,even though things are not going good with us and I should really try and fix what I have with him before building a next relationship with anyone else,to take across a baked bread and have some tea with her would be nice,but he has not allowed such so far, and that upsets me.

His son would try to contact me through face book and that would upset him also,but,I understand and to tell you the truth the kid is not really bothering me or the mother,is my own free will I want back from him, to do the thing I love best and just socialize,I love him and if he has a son that can talk to me thru face book I find nothing wrong with that.I am being taken away from my own free will to do even the not wrong thing!!!

MADNESS YES boy just pure stupid madness.fedup!!!

lovehurts.

 

Hi, lovehurtsalot...

Sorry for the delay in responding to you... The last two weeks have been cRaZy busy at work. I can tell you that one of my greatest lifelong anxieties was that people would discover the "Real Me", the Not so great guy, not so smart, over promising guy, good intentions and many empty promises. You cannot fix him, he Must do the work and it can be very painful to See the things you have done, not done. It can also be wonderful feeling "Good" for the first time after waking from the ADD Fog if the meds work for you. The meds just open the door and the real work comes afterwards. It is hard to work on issues that many do not even see as valid. When your own spouse see's ADD as an easy out for your behavior with weight loss as the only side effect it makes things Real Hard to keep working. So you already help your husband by understanding some of what goes through his head. Keeping you from his family only makes sense because he may think you will think less of him the more you learn. We ADDer's can tend to project what we want to the outside world because of being hurt when showing weakness and emotion. My worst coping skill was developed at age 13 when an abusive step-father belittled me with his verbal vomit. His favorite was calling me a Big Sissy and I would usually break down and cry. After this last bashing at 13, he really pushed me too far and I vowed to Never let anyone see this "Weakness" again. I have cried two times since then and now I'm 46 years old. Even after my diagnosis and understanding of what happened to me for all these years, I still will not give any signs to someone that they can use against me. Even when I try to give some emotion it feels like I can only fake it. It takes so much concentration to sort my thoughts that my body language just drops off and I'm sure I look cold, even when I'm trying hard to comfort someone. I keep working on me in hopes of catching up to others in dealing with tough emotions.

I hope things improve for you and your husband.   

you are right,YYZ

you are right,YYZ he is really keeping me away from his family so I don't"think" less of him,but I don't think less of him in general,I am more "trying/wanting" to help him, rather than cut him down, b/s of the ADHD,it really is not his fault OR any ADHD people with ADHD for that matter, it is no gift either OR a curse but a genetic problem that can be manage with one self and meds,but if only he could understand how important it is to seek medical help,he just still can't comprehend the whole ADHD thing,he uses other things to help his ADHD like "fishing"but he is not doing it at all often,DH is not accustom to land,he was always chartering around the seas taking people to one place to the next on his boat,but after losing his house/boat to foreclosure,he went in to bad"depressions" and that just made his ADHD even more worse,b/c then all at once he lost boat,job,kids,house and ended up with mental and physical exhaustion,and it took him 6 months to come back to his "happy" regular self,then he left and came back home to his country and that is where we met,I love him YYZ,but he is in his own world and I don't really fit in b/c of his underlying problem,he is so sweet at times but then again so bad,I can't say for sure if we would last b/c he has been to mean over the "whole" period of our marriage, and I am contemplating divorce right now,but I did not give up just yet for some reason maybe b/c I believe in him for "change".You know this Friday he had a big fight over really "childish" things, but the things that have been said between us has been hurtful for him and myself,causing "BIG"resentment and I don't know but it seems like DH has to do what could make him focus if he is not taking meds like fishing or boating.Today he sent me text message via phone and told me he needs to go fishing more for his health,that it has too many distractions on land, and I respect him for trying to come up with his own ways for helping his ADHD, and if it is he feels he needs to go fishing to clear his brains by all means go!! baby,just bring back some fish for me.LOL,well he is at sea now and apparently he thinks that is the only way,poor guy,but I will try once more to help him seek the help he really needs, and then he would have to work on his own self,and I trust that ADHD or not if he really loves me he would do what's best,and if he don't then maybe he should fish everyday!!thank you for reading and replying to my comment.

lovehurts.

This is Good, LoveHurts (Fishing)

Your DH knows what helps him, but maybe does not understand "Why". What can drive the ADD brain to complete melt-down is to many channels of information coming at you at one time. The net effect is that your hear nothing, because you cannot process all of the seperate channels of information hitting you at one time. Overwhelm is just exhausting. Your husband is in control of his boat, who is on it and where it goes. On the ocean you can feel relief from all the noise in the city. The brain can decompress, good for us ADDer's.

I found a different way. Music blocks the noise from me. I need music to block out all the noise around me. I study better, work better and focus better with music. My other great love is driving. I love to drive a great handling powerful car for long stretches of time and combined with music, the daily commute to work is my greatest decompression time. This helps my mind sort through the the days business, it is my ADD race car brain working at peak performance.

The sea and your DH's boat must be his decompression zone. Once he better understands his ADD all these things will make more sense, but again "He" is the only one who can fix himself. Hopefully things improve for you LoveHurts :) 

Yes, the fishing is good!

Yes the fishing is good,I will encourage him to go fishing more often(Sundays) is the perfect day for him, while I stay home and do my chores to start over the week,the thing that has been holding him back from fishing is our relationship, as a couple together,well you know by now we don't live together, so he tends to hold back on the fishing to spend the weekends with me,but you know I have notice that even though he knows it is a must for his health and brain focus, he prefers to be with me,I find that to be really sweet of him to think in that area,he really does love me but can't show it in a proper way,the ways in which he shows it is by cooking"all the time" and buying my favorite thing/food"shrimps" and cooking it so very delicious,I fell in love with his romantic thing "cooking",well I guess he has his ways and thank god I see them for what it really is, and I try not to take him for granted,it's just those crazy fights we have been having really tends to mash us up!! other wise we are a perfect match!!

I hope we could come up with a more concrete plan soon for the sake of "our love"

lovehurts.