My husband is ADHD. He is taking medicine, but that is it. He thinks he's done the work in the past because he went to a therapist (but didn't tell him he had ADHD), framed me as a horrible wife for 3 months, and then left therapy. He basically went to therapy to get some ammunition to use on me in fights. But, according to him, he has done "so much work" and he is tired of it. Now it is my turn, he says. Like I can stop the things he is doing to our family.
I spent many years not knowing he really had ADHD, but he knew it. He just didn't think it mattered. I felt like I never mattered much to him. He has always interrupted me when I'm talking, said inappropriate things about me to his friends (right in front of me sometimes), forgot my birthdays and holidays, never took me out on dates, and anytime I upset him he would try to convince me that I was crazy. And, it is easy to upset him. If he crosses a boundary of mine, and he doesn't want to care about it, he gets to tell me there is something wrong with me for having that boundary. He compares me to his friend's wives all the time (some of them he has actually never met).
We had to see 2 marriage therapists before he understood that now that we have two little kids, he can't just expect to do what he wants when he wants. He would give me long silent treatments if I wouldn't let him just sit on his computer from the time he got home until the middle of the night, day after day, like he could pre-kids. By the way, marriage therapy was a disaster. He just used things the therapist said to stonewall me anytime he didn't want to hear what I was saying.
He criticizes me to death. If I'm driving the car, he is pointing out my mistakes (they are not really mistakes, just things he thinks I should do differently). He does not value my opinion and thinks that I am intentionally trying to hurt him when I give him one. We discovered black mold in our basement and he told me that he had known about it for 2 years. Well, in that 2 years time my son had been on round after round of antibiotics for sinus issues and the doc wondered if there was something he was reacting to. I told him that we needed to address this immediately, that I was going to call someone the next day and he lost it. I was attacking him by deciding to spend a ton of money on something that "everyone" has in their house. We couldn't even have a conversation about it. It quickly turned into him telling me that I don't help around the house. OK, I'm a stay at home mom that homeschools and cooks everything from scratch and takes care of the finances and has made every decision regarding our kids since day 1 and the list is a mile long. I have to have him call his dad to get him to believe me (he trusts his dad).
He is secretive and lies about weird things. Sometimes I wonder if he is having an online affair because he is so defensive about me wanting to know about his online social world. He tells me I'm insecure and that no one else has to tell this stuff to their wife. He also gets mad at me when I call him out on blatant lies.
One thing that really disturbs me that only started since he got on meds is that he will answer me with totally random, completely unrelated things. Especially in arguments. For example, I said that I wanted him to answer a question I had about why he changed his facebook profile to no longer say he was married. His answer was "Well then why did you put a monkey on a space ship? You don't have an answer for that now, do you? No you can't because you don't have a monkey or a spaceship." I mean, what is that?! That really did happen, this morning actually. And this is starting to happen more often.
Of course this is all on top of the daily grind of him doing things extremely slowly, starting and not finishing, get horribly distracted, interrupting, randomly getting mad at us, and not believing he does any of it.
In this marriage, I feel like I barely exist. I hear so much negativity about who I am that I've gone through long periods of time believing I was insane. I actually tried to get myself diagnosed. He told me I was bipolar, two doctors laughed at that idea. He even convinced his mom of some crazy things about me and it took two years to prove to her it wasn't true. He gas lights on an insane level and I honestly don't think he realizes that he is doing it.
I think I am just venting. I don't know how to cope with all this. Talking to him is not possible. He is very defensive and treats me like the enemy. We don't accomplish much in our lives together as a result. I guess if I had a question it would be, is there any hope for someone like this to see what they are doing and start working on solutions? Is there a way to talk to someone like this so that they will actually consider your point of view? I think about leaving, but he has made it clear he will do everything he can to destroy me if I do. And, he could. He already hacks into my phone, computer, and online accounts. He has gotten me fired 3 times pre-kids (I came back to him after one of these because I was financially ruined). I think he would find a way to take the kids from me if I left him.