Secrets, meanness, gas lighting... what makes this stop?

Over Confindence Kills.....Insight Kitmao

Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 01/04/2017 - 06:37

Kitmao,

I am coming up with some ground rules for my wife and I (in the mean time since she says she leaving but we still live together ) but I am not willing to put up with conflict any more with her and I will not argue with her any more on these topics of discussions that mainly....have to with people. Seriously. It the topic at hand starts to be about her....or she starts telling me about me as you described here yourself.......for now, those topics are off limits period. Nothing can be personal, nothing can be judgmental, no excuse or anything can be used as a reason for anyones emotions getting upset or out of control if the conversation has nothing to with people period. If people are not involved....then neither are you emotions and that is what I do not want around me if my wife cannot control them for herself?

But we did agree on this last night and the moment we stopped talking about (people)..,...then the conversation becomes logical and reasonable with no emotions involved? This is hard for my wife in that she mentioned herself that women like to talk about people more than men and for me ( normally)....she is right? I like to talk about "things".......not people unless I'm here writing about myself and my wife and people in general? That is what people do? They talk about "subjects"....and people right now for the time being....is off the "subject list" for a while so "emotions"...do not come into play.

And quite frankly.....I tired of hearing about me from my wife because non of it serves me...one tiny bit which is of no value to me? So why should I have to hear about?

The answer: I don't have to? That is my choice.

I saw an article when I was browsing on the internet and this one caught my eye. I think it is relevant to your "why" question...which may give you some insight for yourself to think about or look up on your own? I have found that insight and knowledge....is a far better "devise". or "tool".....to use than "impressions"...or "imagination" personally. Hope this gives you something to work with as well?

Quoram: Reading People

I am very good at reading/authenticating people. What is this called and in what type of career(s) would it be best applicable?

Relatively speaking, by "reading" I mean that I can quickly and easily determine the intentions/motives of people. And by "authenticating", I mean that I can determine whether a person is being true to who they are.

I believe I gained this skill by naturally being introverted, but from a young age forcing myself in social situations, where I would observe others rather than be in the spotlight.

I have found that even from brief interaction with someone I have just met, I can determine what type of person they are, and most of the time, after further getting to know and understand them, be correct in my assumption.

I am not quick to judge, but my impressions are usually accurate. And I sometimes feel I can more deeply understand a person than they can their own self.

What is this ability called? And, if I were deciding upon a career path, what avenue(s) would it best be suited?

An FBI report from 1992 identified traits of the primary victims of felonious killings of law enforcement personnel. One common trait of the officers killed was that they claimed a superior ability to read suspects and situations.

The capacity for self-deception is high, and training/education to avoid such errors is necessary. Common cognitive errors one should be aware of:

Incompetence feeds overconfidence;

Before-the-fact judgments bias perceptions and interpretations;

After-the-fact judgments bias recall;

Confirmation bias over-weights confirming information and under-weights disconfirming information;

Fundamental attribution error, attributing behavior to personal traits rather than the situation;

Illusory thinking, consisting of perception of a relationship where none exists, or perceiving a stronger relationship than is true; ( in other words: Context ie: personal or logistical? )

Self-fulfilling prophesy, belief leads to the expected result.

Other considerations: Memories and perception are incomplete and are subject to being fleshed out in the subconscious mind (confabulation).

Memory and perception can be influenced by personal interactions: Conformity and compliance describes the pressures effects of authority figures influencing memory; and, social anchoring describes the effect social pressures have on shaping perception.

The halo effect describes the attribution of a broad range of positive traits based on a single or superficial trait (e.g., athletic ability, beauty).

Perhaps more important in career selection may be personality types, and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator testing attempts to identify various human traits and indicates what career fields are appropriate for each type. Working outside of type creates stress.

Emotional Intelligence: ( EI ) trumps logic and emotional reasoning or "your senses" ( feelings )...by themselves.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” - Charles Darwin

More Ground Rules

Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 01/04/2017 - 08:53

In order to "speak"...to my wife and not use too many words....I am developing a list of "tool"...single words....as part of the ground rules and reminders (in the moment ) that are not allowed in our conversations together to make this clear and easy to understand. Here are just a couple I have compiled already? ONE word.....cannot be misinterpreted since there is no context.

1) No Blithering .......senselessly talkative, babbling; used chiefly as an intensive to express annoyance or contempt.

2) No Intensives.......concentrated on a single area or subject or into a short time; very thorough or vigorous.

example: "it would be good if you do this" vs "will you do this?" ie: "it would be good" (dependent clause)...."good" (intensifier opinion "good" or area of concentration )

One is telling

The other one is asking?

appropriate possible responses

"it would be good if you do this?" re: "Eat me!"

"will you do this?" re: "Yes"

3) No Chastising...........

rebuke or reprimand severely.

"he chastised his colleagues for their laziness"

synonyms:scold, upbraid, berate, reprimand, reprove, rebuke, admonish, chide, censure, lambaste, castigate, lecture, give someone a piece of one's mind, give someone a tongue-lashing, take to task, rake/haul over the coals; More

tell off, dress down, bawl out, blow up at, give someone an earful, give someone a roasting, come down on someone like a ton of bricks, slap someone's wrist, rap over the knuckles, give someone hell, give someone what for, chew out, ream out,

punish, especially by beating.

Just for starters....I am laying down these "ground rules to live by"...and presenting them to my wife for her approval in that we will agree that these things are not to be tolerated. Period. 100% compliance means......100% compliance. Any violation in the moment will be reminded by these "words"....to identify and stop these things from entering our space together.

If she won't agree....then I am telling her that I will use these reminders words anyway and will stop the conversation. And if she doesn't know what they mean....we have a dictionary and she can use it. The same as I do.

"Try Not to Speak" Speech Lessons

Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 01/04/2017 - 10:10

I mentioned earlier that I discovered ( only last week ) that it was recommended I had speech therapy when I was a child due to my hearing loss and problems associated with this? And since I am trying to limit the amount of words I use.....I thought I would take some lessons from the "Best"....you might say? It you going to learn anything, better have a good teacher right? I pick....Sir John Gilgud....I think he speaks good....I mean "well". Humor never hurts either?

https://youtu.be/RunNMtpb5Bk

More Secrets Anchoring & Occums Razor

Submitted by kellyj on Thu, 01/05/2017 - 08:16

Gaslight-ing techniques

Yes you did!

No I didn't!

Yes you did!

No I didn't!

No, you did!

Yes I didn't...I mean....no....I mean......No I didn't say yes I did!!!! ( YOU LOSE )

Twisting your words by using anchoring to make you say yes when you meant No? I mean yes? I don't know what I mean?

Anchoring

This article is about a cognitive bias that occurs in decision making. For the act of lowering an anchor at sea, see Anchor § Anchoring techniques.

Anchoring or focalism is a cognitive bias that describes the common human tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information offered (the "anchor") when making decisions. During decision making, anchoring occurs when individuals use an initial piece of information to make subsequent judgments. Once an anchor is set, other judgments are made by adjusting away from that anchor, and there is a bias toward interpreting other information around the anchor. For example, the initial price offered for a used car sets the standard for the rest of the negotiations, so that prices lower than the initial price seem more reasonable even if they are still higher than what the car is really worth.[1]

Contents

1 Focusing effect

2 Adjustment heuristic

2.1 Difficulty of avoiding

3 Causes

3.1 Anchoring-and-adjusting

3.2 Selective accessibility

3.3 Attitude change

4 Influencing factors

4.1 Mood

4.2 Experience

4.3 Personality

4.4 Cognitive ability

5 In negotiations

6 See also

7 References

Focusing effect

The focusing effect (or focusing illusion) is a cognitive bias that occurs when people place too much importance on one aspect of an event, causing an error in accurately predicting the utility of a future outcome.[2]

People focus on notable differences, excluding those that are less conspicuous, when making predictions about happiness or convenience. For example, when people were asked how much happier they believe Californians are compared to Midwesterners, Californians and Midwesterners both said Californians must be considerably happier, when, in fact, there was no difference between the actual happiness rating of Californians and Midwesterners. The bias lies in that most people asked focused on and overweighed the sunny weather and ostensibly easy-going lifestyle of California and devalued and underrated other aspects of life and determinants of happiness, such as low crime rates and safety from natural disasters like earthquakes (both of which large parts of California lack).[3]

A rise in income has only a small and transient effect on happiness and well-being, but people consistently overestimate this effect. Kahneman et al. proposed that this is a result of a focusing illusion, with people focusing on conventional measures of achievement rather than on everyday routine.[4]

Adjustment heuristic

Anchoring and adjustment is a psychological heuristic that influences the way people intuitively assess probabilities. According to this heuristic, people start with an implicitly suggested reference point (the "anchor") and make adjustments to it to reach their estimate. A person begins with a first approximation (anchor) and then makes incremental adjustments based on additional information. These adjustments are usually insufficient, giving the initial anchor a great deal of influence over future assessments.

Daniel Kahneman, one of the first researchers to study anchoring.

The anchoring and adjustment heuristic was first theorized by Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman. In one of their first studies, participants were asked to compute, within 5 seconds, the product of the numbers one through eight, either as 1 × 2 × 3 × 4 × 5 × 6 × 7 × 8 {\displaystyle 1\times 2\times 3\times 4\times 5\times 6\times 7\times 8} or reversed as 8 × 7 × 6 × 5 × 4 × 3 × 2 × 1 {\displaystyle 8\times 7\times 6\times 5\times 4\times 3\times 2\times 1} . Because participants did not have enough time to calculate the full answer, they had to make an estimate after their first few multiplications. When these first multiplications gave a small answer – because the sequence started with small numbers – the median estimate was 512; when the sequence started with the larger numbers, the median estimate was 2,250. (The correct answer was 40,320.) In another study by Tversky and Kahneman, participants observed a roulette wheel that was predetermined to stop on either 10 or 65. Participants were then asked to guess the percentage of the United Nations that were African nations. Participants whose wheel stopped on 10 guessed lower values (25% on average) than participants whose wheel stopped at 65 (45% on average).[5] The pattern has held in other experiments for a wide variety of different subjects of estimation.

As a second example, in a study by Dan Ariely, an audience is first asked to write the last two digits of their social security number and consider whether they would pay this number of dollars for items whose value they did not know, such as wine, chocolate and computer equipment. They were then asked to bid for these items, with the result that the audience members with higher two-digit numbers would submit bids that were between 60 percent and 120 percent higher than those with the lower social security numbers, which had become their anchor.[6]

Difficulty of avoiding

Various studies have shown that anchoring is very difficult to avoid. For example, in one study students were given anchors that were obviously wrong. They were asked whether Mahatma Gandhi died before or after age 9, or before or after age 140. Clearly neither of these anchors can be correct, but the two groups still guessed significantly differently (average age of 50 vs. average age of 67).[7]

Other studies have tried to eliminate anchoring much more directly. In a study exploring the causes and properties of anchoring, participants were exposed to an anchor and asked to guess how many physicians were listed in the local phone book. In addition, they were explicitly informed that anchoring would "contaminate" their responses, and that they should do their best to correct for that. A control group received no anchor and no explanation. Regardless of how they were informed and whether they were informed correctly, all of the experimental groups reported higher estimates than the control group. Thus, despite being expressly aware of the anchoring effect, participants were still unable to avoid it.[8] A later study found that even when offered monetary incentives, people are unable to effectively adjust from an anchor.[9]

Causes

Several theories have been put forth to explain what causes anchoring, although some explanations are more popular than others, there is no consensus as to which is best.[10] In a study on possible causes of anchoring, two authors described anchoring as easy to demonstrate, but hard to explain.[7] At least one group of researchers has argued that multiple causes are at play, and that what is called "anchoring" is actually several different effects.[11]

Anchoring-and-adjusting

In their original study, Tversky and Kahneman put forth a view later termed anchoring-as-adjustment. According to this theory, once an anchor is set, people adjust away from it to get to their final answer; however, they adjust insufficiently, resulting in their final guess being closer to the anchor than it would be otherwise.[12] Other researchers also found evidence supporting the anchoring-and-adjusting explanation.[13]

However, later researchers criticized this model, because it is only applicable when the initial anchor is outside the range of acceptable answers. To use an earlier example, since Mahatma Gandhi obviously did not die at age 9, then people will adjust from there. If a reasonable number were given, though, there would be no adjustment. Therefore, this theory can not, according to its critics, explain the anchoring effect.[14]

Another study found that the anchoring effect holds even when the anchor is subliminal. According to Tversky and Kahneman's theory, this is impossible, since anchoring is only the result of conscious adjustment.[15] Because of arguments like these, anchoring-and-adjusting has fallen out of favor.[citation needed]

Selective accessibility

In the same study that criticized anchoring-and-adjusting, the authors proposed an alternate explanation regarding selective accessibility, which is derived from a theory called "confirmatory hypothesis testing". In short, selective accessibility proposes that when given an anchor, a judge (i.e. a person making some judgment) will evaluate the hypothesis that the anchor is a suitable answer. Assuming it is not, the judge moves on to another guess, but not before accessing all the relevant attributes of the anchor itself. Then, when evaluating the new answer, the judge looks for ways in which it is similar to the anchor, resulting in the anchoring effect.[14] Various studies have found empirical support for this hypothesis.[16] This explanation assumes that the judge considers the anchor to be a plausible value so that it is not immediately rejected, which would preclude considering its relevant attributes.[citation needed]

Attitude change

More recently, a third explanation of anchoring has been proposed concerning attitude change. According to this theory, providing an anchor changes someone's attitudes to be more favorable to the particular attributes of that anchor, biasing future answers to have similar characteristics as the anchor. Leading proponents of this theory consider it to be an alternate explanation in line with prior research on anchoring-and-adjusting and selective accessibility.[17][18]

Influencing factors

Mood

A wide range of research has linked sad or depressed moods with more extensive and accurate evaluation of problems.[19] As a result of this, earlier studies hypothesized that people with more depressed moods would tend to use anchoring less than those with happier moods. However, more recent studies have shown the opposite effect: sad people are more likely to use anchoring than people with happy or neutral mood.[20]

Experience

Early research found that experts (those with high knowledge, experience, or expertise in some field) were more resistant to the anchoring effect.[8] Since then, however, numerous studies have demonstrated that while experience can sometimes reduce the effect, even experts are susceptible to anchoring. In a study concerning the effects of anchoring on judicial decisions, researchers found that even experienced legal professionals were affected by anchoring. This remained true even when the anchors provided were arbitrary and unrelated to the case in question.[21]

Personality

Research has correlated susceptibility to anchoring with most of the Big Five personality traits. People high in agreeableness and conscientiousness are more likely to be affected by anchoring, while those high in extroversion are less likely to be affected.[22] Another study found that those high in openness to new experiences were more susceptible to the anchoring effect.[23]

Cognitive ability

The impact of cognitive ability on anchoring is contested. A recent study on willingness to pay for consumer goods found that anchoring decreased in those with greater cognitive ability, though it did not disappear.[24] Another study, however, found that cognitive ability had no significant effect on how likely people were to use anchoring.[25]

In negotiations

In negotiations, anchoring refers to the concept of setting a boundary that outlines the basic constraints for a negotiation; subsequently, the anchoring effect is the phenomenon in which we set our estimation for the true value of the item at hand.[5] In addition to the initial research conducted by Tversky and Kahneman, multiple other studies have shown that anchoring can greatly influence the estimated value of an object.[26] For instance, although negotiators can generally appraise an offer based on multiple characteristics, studies have shown that they tend to focus on only one aspect. In this way, a deliberate starting point can strongly affect the range of possible counteroffers.[12] The process of offer and counteroffer results in a mutually beneficial arrangement. However, multiple studies have shown that initial offers have a stronger influence on the outcome of negotiations than subsequent counteroffers.[27]

An example of the power of anchoring has been conducted during the Strategic Negotiation Process Workshops. During the workshop, a group of participants is divided into two sections: buyers and sellers. Each side receives identical information about the other party before going into a one-on-one negotiation. Following this exercise, both sides debrief about their experiences. The results show that where the participants anchor the negotiation had a significant effect on their success.[28][page needed]

Anchoring affects everyone, even people who are highly knowledgeable in a field. Northcraft and Neale conducted a study to measure the difference in the estimated value of a house between students and real-estate agents. In this experiment, both groups were shown a house and then given different listing prices. After making their offer, each group was then asked to discuss what factors influenced their decisions. In the follow-up interviews, the real-estate agents denied being influenced by the initial price, but the results showed that both groups were equally influenced by that anchor.[29]

Anchoring can have more subtle effects on negotiations as well. Janiszewski and Uy investigated the effects of precision of an anchor. Participants read an initial price for a beach house, then gave the price they thought it was worth. They received either a general, seemingly nonspecific anchor (e.g. $800,000) or a more precise and specific anchor (e.g. $799,800). Participants with a general anchor adjusted their estimate more than those given a precise anchor ($751,867 vs $784,671). The authors propose that this effect comes from difference in scale; in other words, the anchor affects not only the starting value, but also the starting scale. When given a general anchor of $20, people will adjust in large increments ($19, $21, etc.), but when given a more specific anchor like $19.85, people will adjust on a lower scale ($19.75, $19.95, etc.).[30] Thus, a more specific initial price will tend to result in a final price closer to the initial one.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anchoring

Occam's razor

Occam's razor, also written as Ockham's razor, and lex parsimoniae, Latin for law of parsimony, is a problem-solving principle attributed to William of Ockham (c. 1287–1347), who was an English Franciscan friar, scholastic philosopher and theologian. The principle can be interpreted as stating Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected.

In science, Occam's razor is used as a heuristic technique (discovery tool) to guide scientists in the development of theoretical models, rather than as an arbiter between published models.[1][2] In the scientific method, Occam's razor is not considered an irrefutable principle of logic or a scientific result; the preference for simplicity in the scientific method is based on the falsifiability criterion. For each accepted explanation of a phenomenon, there may be an extremely large, perhaps even incomprehensible, number of possible and more complex alternatives, because one can always burden failing explanations with ad hoc hypotheses to prevent them from being falsified; therefore, simpler theories are preferable to more complex ones because they are more testable.[3][4][5]

Testing the razor

The razor's statement that "other things being equal, simpler explanations are generally better than more complex ones" is amenable to empirical testing. Another interpretation of the razor's statement would be that "simpler hypotheses (not conclusions, i.e. explanations) are generally better than the complex ones". The procedure to test the former interpretation would compare the track records of simple and comparatively complex explanations. If one accepts the first interpretation, the validity of Occam's razor as a tool would then have to be rejected if the more complex explanations were more often correct than the less complex ones (while the converse would lend support to its use). If the latter interpretation is accepted, the validity of Occam's razor as a tool could possibly be accepted if the simpler hypotheses led to correct conclusions more often than not.

Possible explanations can become needlessly complex. It is coherent, for instance, to add the involvement of leprechauns to any explanation, but Occam's razor would prevent such additions unless they were necessary.

In the history of competing hypotheses, the simpler hypotheses have led to mathematically rigorous and empirically verifiable theories.[citation needed] In the history of competing explanations, this is not the case[citation needed]—at least not generally. Some increases in complexity are sometimes necessary. So there remains a justified general bias toward the simpler of two competing explanations. To understand why, consider that for each accepted explanation of a phenomenon, there is always an infinite number of possible, more complex, and ultimately incorrect, alternatives. This is so because one can always burden failing explanations with ad hoc hypothesis. Ad hoc hypotheses are justifications that prevent theories from being falsified. Even other empirical criteria, such as consilience, can never truly eliminate such explanations as competition. Each true explanation, then, may have had many alternatives that were simpler and false, but also an infinite number of alternatives that were more complex and false. But if an alternate ad hoc hypothesis were indeed justifiable, its implicit conclusions would be empirically verifiable. On a commonly accepted repeatability principle, these alternate theories have never been observed and continue to escape observation. In addition, one does not say an explanation is true if it has not withstood this principle.

Put another way, any new, and even more complex, theory can still possibly be true.

For example, if an individual makes supernatural claims that leprechauns were responsible for breaking a vase, the simpler explanation would be that he is mistaken, but ongoing ad hoc justifications (e.g. "... and that's not me on the film; they tampered with that, too") successfully prevent outright falsification. This endless supply of elaborate competing explanations, called saving hypotheses, cannot be ruled out—except by using Occam's razor

In other words....what is most likely? Leprechauns or the person saying it? He who smelt it.....dealt it.

Kitmao The Meta-Analysis of "Meaness and Hostility"

Submitted by kellyj on Thu, 01/05/2017 - 14:15

Kitmao,

Most of the time ( the majority of the time in fact )......this thread and the questions you've been asking here is just like most on this forum. It involves the details within the problem...without addressing the bigger issue which is at the heart or the source of the problem? Any relationship within the Universe itself ( BIG PICTURE!!!! LOL ) is comprised of more than one element working in conjunction with other elements to create what is know as a "system" and there is a Universal pattern of behavior in which these elements all see to work and how they function and operate together as the "whole".

I don't want to get too esoteric here on you....but you have to at the very least....consider this....in just looking at or observing how this pattern or Universal structure as a whole seems to work in terms of the physical properties that we all understand and know at this time in history to get just a simple idea or concept to use as a template...and then apply that same template to everything else....universally speaking in the sense of the primary OS.....or operating system of the universe and all the universal properties within it regard to each and every individual element you can define or describe ( or identify ).

The point in doing this or even bringing something so unrelated to you and your husband and why there seem to be these unresolved conflicts and why he appears so angry and mean at times ( as you are wondering? ) I feel that I actually know what the answer is...or at least, give you my personal opinion of what I feel is accurate and true? This is where I feel.....I can speak from my own experience with this ( personally ) in starting from where I am now (this point in time as one reference point in my life )...and work backwards to the beginning ( in chronological time moving backwards to my childhood ).....and kind of time travel in my own personal History or "personal evolution".....and compare that same "Universal Template of Evolution" and the entire "Working Model of the Universe"....and contrast that to what I see in my own life.....in terms of the concept of "Evolution".

Evolution is simply defined as: the process by which different kinds of living organisms are thought to have developed and diversified from earlier forms during the history of the earth.

synonyms:Darwinism, "Natural Selection" ( implies choice of some kind? But who chooses this..and who makes this selection? )

2. the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form.

I want to eliminate for a moment...any controversy or debate over how we got here because that is a senselessly arguing ONE point. or ONE position or another in the first place..... when trying to have a discussion about this.....or in trying to hold onto any rigid ideas of exactly the right answer there and I have no idea and I don't care so I will get that entire boondoggle out of the picture entirely for the sake or arguing this which I won't and I don't know? Simply put?

So before you or anyone else reading this can even hear what I am saying.....you need to let go of any preconceived ideas you have on the subject involving the word "Evolution"...or you will miss what I am saying entirely. Those preconceived ideas or any relationship to some religious idea or belief in terms of what it is to "create anything"....would hold true if I simply said I "created my breakfast" this morning....by making a "Denver Omelet"...by taking some diced ham, diced pepper and diced onions, and diced cheese...and adding those into some scramble eggs and pouring those all together into an Omelet Pan on the stove...and creating what we call "A Denver Omelet".....and then trying to argue that this is not how that Omelet appeared on my plate? LOL Know what I mean? LOL What I am talking about...is about as non complicated or controversial than that and how chickens, cows, Green Peppers and Onions....actually came to existence in the first place to make those elements exist.....I spend about as much time as ( NO Time as in 0 time ) thinking or worrying about...as I do worrying about who made me? LOL I( beyond my mother and father that is LOL ) And frankly....I don't care there either.....it only hurts my brain in trying to figure out or worry about something I will never have an answer for? LOL So WHY WORRY? Simply put?

But it is interesting and even fascinating for my own curiosity.....to look at and think about how the entire solar system we live in came to be and how this planet Evolved into the place where we live? I really don't care WHO made it this way on that level....I am only curious and really fascinated by the History and all the changes that have taken place on this Earth we call home...because it's the same Home where I live...and to a certain degree....that is personal to me if it is relevant to my life or effects me in anyway? I don't spend a lot of time worrying about Yellowstone National Park suddenly erupting and becoming one of the greatest natural disasters that man kind has ever witnessed since would really ruin my weekend plans.....but it could have happen and they say it might some day and I personally even have experience with this myself to cause me to actually believe this might happen?

In 1979...I remember laying on my back, floating and relaxing on a beautiful cloudless sunny day in the early summer at a friends parents house in their swimming pool, just looking up at the sky with not a care in the world ( in that moment ) and I noticed this unusual cloud in the sky that did not look right? The cloud itself looked like a cloud....but the problem was....the cloud was going up and down ( virtical ) instead of side ways.....like all other clouds I had ever seen before? And I sat there and stared at this cloud for about 5 minutes.....and then went "Holy Shit"!!! That isn't a cloud!!! That's Mt St Helens erupting and that was the eruption cloud going straight up into the stratosphere!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! And I screamed at my friend who was in his kitchen and said. "get your clothes on....we've got to go see this!!!!" Which we raced up to the top of a look out point only 10 minutes from where he lived and saw Mt St Helens ( as we had always remembered it ) with this gigantic plume or cloud or ash and gas...pouring upward into the sky? It's one thing...to see video tape on the news of such a thing...it's a whole nuther experience to actually be 50 miles away from it and seeing it live and in person? That was just the first of 4 eruptions that took place over the next 18 months....until the final BLOW....that everyone has probably seen on video when the entire Mountain Top just exploded in one of the most violent natural cataclysmic event of known modern history. I will always remember that one too....because it was a Sunday morning and I was sitting in my kitchen making a Denver Omelet...which is why I used that as an example in tying this all together? At first I thought it was just thunder off in the distance and didn't give it a second thought until I turned on the news later in the day? If it hadn't been for the news telling me what had just happened....I would have gone about my day and would have never remembered the details as I do....since that was and probably will....never happen again in my life time of events?

So you might ask yourself....do I spend a lot of time worrying about Yellowstone Park blowing up and ending life as we know it? NO!! What can you do and what is there to worry about? Nothing? So why worry? There is not one solitary thing you could do to stop this and if it happens...it will happen. Just like me floating mindlessly on my back on a warm summers day in my friends pool with no worries or cares in the world? There is no way to predict...something like this to even know how to prepare for it....or do anything in advance in order to keep yourself safe in order to survive something like this? The only thing you could possibly do....in order to be ready for such an event like this....is be skilled and be good at.....moving your ass in hurry and adapting to the situation when it happens....if it's going to happen....which is really just being able to adapt and change gears on the spot ( in the moment )....in order to do what's right in front of you and avoid any collisions with obstacles coming at you and keeping yourself out of harms way when it does which you don't know WHAT that is....until you get to the bridge when it comes?

That is literally.....ALL THAT YOU CAN DO AND ALL THAT IS POSSIBLE? Spontaneity and creation.....HAPPEN IN THE MOMENT. And in terms of ME...and only speaking for myself? This is my strongest suit of all my strengths and is a God given talent that I possess and own? It is why I can say this....because if I couldn't....I would be dead and I would not be writing this right now....that is how sure of myself...and how confident I am....in being that sure and knowing I am right in just that much....and not knowing a single other thing more than that?

If you believe in a God or some supreme authority as I do.....then I can say with absolutely certainty....that this was my gift from God. And I know for a fact....that not everyone was given this gift in such abundance...and I now that all too as well? And it's not because I am so smart...or that I am so talented or that I have any special abilities what so ever? This gift is not something you can plan for, predict or even know exactly how to make use of it.....until the movement comes and somehow.....just automatically, you do exactly what you need to do without hesitation and not ever having done it before in your entire life? It is pure instinct....with no fear what so ever....and this is one of those things that I don't even now HOW I got to be this way but as they say...."don't look a gift horse in the mouth?" It doesn't matter how....only that it is but I do not question this for a second...to know that it is real? But the real talent or skill that you do learn how to do ( and can do ) is learning how to control it...and put it to good use? That is a choice...and that requires learning how to apply it better...which takes a lot of practice and learning and whole lot of time and effort and a lot of just experimenting by trial and error...and just seeing if something will work only from being curious....just to see and for no other reason?

Selective accessibility

The term...."confirmatory hypothesis testing"...is what stands out here in my mind? I don't even have to look this up to know what this is? This is my God given gift and the thing I have in spades and I own it and it comes automatically and that is the only thing I need to know? A hypothesis....is just an "idea" ? And ideas come from your imagination and are created in the moment...spontaneously which is one of those things....that is hard to prove to anyone? What comes out of those ideas....can be proven in tangible form as in...what ever you created when you apply it as the end result or at the end of the entire process ...from starting with the idea...and producing something with your hands...as a means that it exists? Otherwise...there is no way to prove your idea and test it....to see if it will work or not? And if it works...it works...and if it doesn't...then it doesn't? And every time it doesn't work....some might call that a "mistake" but that is an ignorant statement coming from someone....who just doesn't know any better? To say the word ignorant..is not a label or a judgment...it is just saying exactly what it says. Not knowing anything better than what you already know? And the only way to move past this to actually know a better way....is to adapt and change and move....to a new position or new vantage point...to compare one to another and see that is what and what it the difference? And it every time you make a so called "mistake"...and then you quit and stop and anchor yourself into the same rut or spot your in....you will never find the answer or know what that difference is....to actually learn from it and keep moving forward in never standing still? And to developed the skills in order to move when you need to ...in order to keep yourself "safe"..and our of harms way......you need to have those skills and developed the ability to be spontaneous...and react in the instance...when that instance is called upon that there is no way to predict ahead of time...or plan for in advance? The only way to know anything "new"...or evolve from where you were before....is to take risks and the chance....knowing that what is up ahead of you....might be seriously harmful to you and anyone you are with and having those skills and the tools you need with you....when you get to that bridge and know without a shadow of a doubt....that will be able to get to the other side once you get there and only when you get there? It comes from creation...and creating in the moment....thinking on your feet while you are moving and reacting to your environment....by touch and by feel?

They use to tell us when I was first learning how to ski....to "attack the hill". Meaning...that the first inclination when you are standing there and looking down a very steep hill...is to pull back and lean backwards and upright...in order to compensate for the steep angel and make yourself "straight" up and down vertically speaking? The same as when you are standing on level ground in fact? It is completely counter intuitive...to actually lean forward into the steep angel...which at any other time if you were just standing there...would make you fall over and flat on your face? Leaning over like this...standing still on a flat surface and not moving...would cause you to fall....and hit the ground? And what that term means to "attack"...is to take an aggressive posture....leaning into the hills steep angle...just like you were going to attack someone running at them full speed as if you were going to collide with them on purpose? It is that moment...between standing still at the top of the hill looking down.....as if you were trying to kill yourself and throw yourself off the cliff and falling to your death? It goes against everything your body and sense are telling is right...and you have to take that leap and close your eyes and jump....in order to transition from standing still and going down the steep incline...in order to actually do it in the first place? Your body is screaming NO....and you mind is saying YES! And you mind wins over what your body and all your senses are telling you to do...and then the magic happens. The magic happens when it works...and it works so well..that the more you attack....the better it works and you learn rather quickly....to ignore those intuitive messages your brain is telling you....... DON"T DO THIS and the resulting fear resulting that keeps you from doing it?

Perhaps more important in career selection may be personality types, and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator testing attempts to identify various human traits and indicates what career fields are appropriate for each type. Working outside of type creates stress.

The funny thing about this Myers-Briggs test in term of finding a job or for job placement? My middle sister is actually a College Career Counselor...and gives these tests to her student who come to her for help figuring out what they want to do? So I took that test that she gave me and then got the result back with her assessment and it was almost laughable...in the suggestion that they made? Laughable as in almost worthless since it was vague and non description like they were trying to come up with something ( or just make something up ) by pulling the nearest or closest sounding thing what was out there.....but not really having anything valuable to offer you in terms of...."which classes you might take"...to learn the skills needed? Bottom line...there was "no career" in terms of anything that we understand as in "what do you do? Well.....I'm a ( blank )" And that is just it....under the ideas given or career paths...if you will.....what came back as a results was ( BLANK )....but here's the next best thing thought??? LOL Kind of worthless and pretty useless...at the time? LOL

And I even remember sitting in my T's office...lamenting and complaining that nothing seems to fit me in order to find a way to be happy? And he pointed out as he said "I see a lot of people in my office from all walks of life and careers....but you're the only one I have met out of everyone...that does what you do? How many people do you know yourself ( outside of the ones you have worked with )...do what you do?" And I sat and looked at him and went.."ah????? No one??" LOL!!!!!!!!!!

So in terms of life...and my chosen career path......I could put this another way as my answer to anyone as to what I do for a job or career or chosen path as means to explain this to you?

I am a survivor. That is what I do for a job...which entails doing anything and everything to get there....as needed when I get there and no sooner? I created, adapt, adjust and go with the flow. I am that guy.....you want in your boat.....when the boat has got a hole in the bottom of it..and a storm is coming at you and all hope is lost? And when the clouds part and you look on the beach and see only a few people left standing....I will be one of them...you can count on that much just to be sure? It' s what I do...and what I was designed to do. That is my job...and my Gift from God?

Improvise, Adapt and Overcome – What Works for the Marines Will Work for You Too

http://www.wealthsavant.com/2011/04/improvise-adapt-and-overcome-%E2%80%...

This is the published article that Steve Jobs ( Apple Computors ) wrote as his graduate speech from Stanford University. The ending line in the speech in closing said. "Accomplish the mission "

I am that man on a mission....and the mission statement if there was in this field of work would be: Attack ( aggressively ), Improvise, Adapt and Overcome, and Never Stand Still and Always be advancing on the Enemy. ( what ever the enemy is.....in the moment? ) And since you are always your own worst enemy....that is kind of a no brainer if you stop and think about it?

It merely a coincidence...that the Marines stole my thunder!!! God Damn plagiarists!!! LOL Just because they coined it first....doesn't mean I didn't think of it on my own you know? LOL

The REAL problem...the Meta Problem or the Forest from the trees, described exactly and perfectly here this article which I think nailed it right on the head...to this all into perspective? The is where anger, meanness and hostility....really come from...and why it exists in my humble opinion and nothing more than this. Simply and precisely put.

Existential Psychology

Emotional Detachment And Compartmentalization

By Michael Schreiner | June 21, 2016

Most psychological disciplines agree that an integrated personality structure is indicative of mental health, meaning of course that a fragmented personality structure is indicative of dysfunction. Take for example the greedy businessman who spends his week low balling, manipulating, conning, glorying in doing anything and everything under the sun necessary for material gain, who then attends church on Sunday where he sincerely believes he’s a Christian, where he listens with rapt attention to scripture readings and homilies that stress generosity and brotherhood and sisterhood and spiritual wealth as more important than material wealth.

This type of compartmentalization might help him function well in two disparate worlds but it’s also going to create conflict at the deeper level of his psyche, conflict that will bubble up and manifest in troubled personal relationships, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and other forms of mental illness. He’s not going to connect the dots, he’ll try to ignore the visible manifestations of that deeper conflict or rationalize them away, blaming a hectic work schedule or the demands of family life for his problems. But from the psychological perspective it’s quite clear that his symptoms are the result of holding simultaneous competing norms and values around how to think, feel, and be in the world. In the sense outlined above his compartmentalization is bad and only through integrating those disparate ways of thinking to decide upon a set of values that will guide behaviors regardless of change in environmental scenery will those symptoms of mental illness disappear.

But compartmentalization is not always a bad thing, it’s sometimes a useful and necessary thing, particularly when it’s consciously utilized as a way to protect oneself from hostile environmental conditions that are more or less inescapable. We’re thinking specifically here in terms of choosing emotional detachment as a solution to the problem of emotional abuse, threats of abandonment, and other forms of trauma at the hands of primary caregivers. Now, in the parent-child relationship, especially when the child is still under the parent’s roof and has little recourse to escape the situation, choosing to stop investing emotionally, to stop caring so much about those hurtful abusive words and actions, to stop exposing that soft emotionally underbelly, is a functional, healthy choice.

Where the choice becomes unhealthy is actually not compartmentalizing, it’s generalizing, deciding that since the primary relationship is hostile, that opening up emotionally in that specific relationship is dangerous, this means that all relationships are hostile, that opening up emotionally in all relationships is dangerous.

Obviously the ideal is getting outside help or escaping the situation when you feel helpless in the face of a hostile world but family situations are nuanced, abuse often occurs in ways that are hard to pin down, hard for outsiders to see or understand or change. The practical reality is that many relationships where there’s not an immediate physical danger are going to continue without much outside impediment despite the fact that one suffers abuse at the hands of the other. The situation will hopefully change for the better over time but the hope doesn’t help the individual being subjected to abuse in that moment.

Compartmentalization in these cases is a great decision, one that is about self-love and self-care. The important factor is that it be a consciously taken, purposeful decision. Deciding not to invest emotionally in an abusive but unavoidable relationship is a healthy choice as long as the choice is simultaneously taken to work for emotional connection in other relationships, to remember that not all relationships are hostile and dangerous just because one is.

Emotional Intelligence: ( EI ) trumps logic and emotional reasoning or "your senses" ( feelings )...by themselves.

Everything you could possibly ever need to know ...is what I just said as the "secret"....and probably a lot more than you asked to hear I'm sure? But if there was a magic bullet...and a cure for what ails you......that's a close an I can get ...in terms or what I am calling the only "secret" that I know or have to offer anyone....even though it's not a simple one to learn and learn how to apply? Sorry I can't be or more help and support for you....but that is really what I have to offer...and what I know best? It's what I do at least...if that is any value to you or anyone else?

And this is the problem my wife has as well? She is a "maintainer"....she never creates anything? She sets up her environment exactly how she wants it...and then she "maintains it"..and tries to keep it exactly the way it is...and spend her life fighting mother nature which is trying to put it back where mother nature wants it to be and she in a never ending fight...and keeping her anchor firmly attached to the ground and never wants it to move? She doesn't move.....she is a fixture.....stuck in one place....anchored to the ground by the chains of life that keep her there and she not going to move? She will not move or budge..and she's ben standing at the top of the Mountain right on the edge looking down and refusing to attack or "drop over" as they also call it in skiing? She just stands and stands and argues that she will fall over if she leans in and takes that leap of faith and closes her eyes and jumps.....because she has NEVER even tried it before? But she is that person standing at the top of the Mountain telling everyone....."Don't do it!! Be afraid!!! I'm "telling you"....you'll be sorry!!!"

The problem is...she is the only one still left standing there...while everyone is gone and she abandoned and alone and isolated? That's the opposite of "last man standing"....when she never got in the boat in the first place...and took the chance to know? She has absolutely....no idea what she is talking about...and the last person I would listen to or get advise from in order to know...the right thing to do? And because that....she is also the last person on earth....I would follow anywhere because of it? That road....leads to know where....but I know this already so that's no problem or any real hard choice I have to make here myself? My only concern is there is one....is ever finding anyone just like me which I am getting the strong feeling...there is NO ONE out there specifically...with my name on it? I have longed since removed the delusion....or fantasy.....of a soul mate and that is a fact!!

Think about it? If there was only ONE "Soul Mate" for every person in this world? What are the odds that those two people would ever just happen to meet...out of the billions of people out there...as being the only one for you? If that were the case....we would not be here as an entire species. Would we?

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” - Charles Darwin

Irony The Past Revisiting the Future

Submitted by kellyj on Thu, 01/05/2017 - 13:35

This morning...I had a worker coming over to help me do the thing ( the very things my wife wants from me around the house ). In her usual self sabotaging way...she comes and tells me this morning that she is having (quote unquote ) some undisclosed "metal health issue"..and is taking a sick day off from work?

I remember when we first started dating...and unusual even that never made any sense to me? I had planned to go be with her...but my plans changed and I canceled out date? She called to tell me she was "having a problem" as she said it...and could I come anyway because she could really use my help and support? But when I got there...I looked around and tried to determine what "this problem was?"....and seemingly......there was no problem as far as I could tell? And my wife at the time...didn't appear to be having a problem either so what is this problem she was having and why did I change my plans just to come over...to not find a problem in the first place? And my wife never said what this was but seemed fine to me so what the Hell? I'm here now....so I guess...there's no problem? ( but that was too weird for words..and it's still too weird for words....even to this day? )

So here I am now....with my wife really looking like she is following through in leaving? How can I know this for sure? Because what she told me last night?

I told her....I was going to keep doing exactly what I've been doing am not changing course at all..and besides...it wasn't my choice or decision for her to leave..it was hers after all...I have not changed one bit in where I was...before she did this?

So last night...I let an endearment "skip out "....saying "honey" as a means to address her..and she told me not to do that anymore...because as she said "Now...we are just "Friends" as she says?

This so bizzarre to me...that I can't even begin to tell you but if you think about this compartmentalizing things...it makes perfect sense to me? Everything has to be defined in terms of some kind of label or name....or she cannot even recognize it what it is...or has no point of reference? I remember pulling the "sticks and stones..." thing on her once..and she adamantly disagreed with this saying...."that;s just what they tell little kids." and completely missing the point? The point? Is the reason to tell little kids this and the reason why names don't mean anything...that is...unless you are so blind and so helpless....that you need it like "brail" to know the difference from one thing to another since she has no idea who she even is? And she doesn't recognize anyone?

So if socks....doesn't say socks on them...she would know what to do with them or what they are for? Once they say "socks" written on them...then she knows what to do with them...but not before on her own? Even though she wears "socks"...every day of her life since she was a kid.....if it doesn't say "socks" on the label....then they are just these things sitting in a drawer that she has no idea with do with?

And that's just it? She is helpless and completely incompetent as a human being by herself? She can barely wipe her own ass...if you didn't put "toilet paper" written or the roll....to know what to use it for? In that much....I can't help her....and in the same sentence....is the opposite of me?

My wife...is a creativity Killer. The Anti-Christ or Anti- Creative force in the Universe as far as I can see? Dark Matter...or.....negative matter energy? It cancels creativity..;...and Kills it dead...in it's tracks.

Just look at what happened this morning? I had a great idea and followed through..and called for help and he was coming today? And my wife gets up...and kills the idea...cancels the plans...and kills all creativity by just her presence in the house? If she had gone to work and left things as it was....none of that would have happened..and her reasoning for it is...." I need a Mental Health Day"..which measn everything stops...and the Solar System stops spinning because...she is having a problem...but won't say what that is? In my mind...that's not just a Freak.....but a Freak of Nature right there.

And I could care less what you call it....it's just a creative name I just came up with....it's just a label or name to call what I see and explain it to anyone else who is reading it? My wife is a person with a problem that is bizzarre and unusual....calling her a Freak of Nature....is just something I just make up here in the moment creatively...that doesn't mean anything?

It's just my opinion for that matter and we all know what opinions are worth don't we?

"Opinions are like assholes......every ones got one...and they ALL STINK!!! including mine of course....but mine..is no "stinkier"...than anyone elses just to be sure. LOL

The idea or concept that if one thing is "stinkier" and than another "Stinky thing"....is irrelevant...and worthless....along with peoples opinions in truing to determine....who you are? That would be stupid....IMHO.

He who smelt it....dealt it. I always say :)

To Kitmao....

Submitted by jennalemone on Thu, 01/05/2017 - 18:50

What I have learned.....

A woman can't change a man because she loves him, a man changes himself because he loves her.

The more I read and write on this forum, the more I am letting myself accept what poor treatment I have received from the person who I thought, who promised, to love and care for me.

This isn't ADHD.

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Fri, 01/06/2017 - 03:15

This isn't ADHD.

And, likely, your H is either cheating on you or he's making himself available. By removing his married status on his FB, he's wanting women to think he's available.

I don't know if your H has a personality disorder, or just an immature or unethical core. The stuff you're describing has little to do with ADHD. He may also have ADHD, but the asshole behavior you're describing is not ADHD.

The working slowly and not finishing things may be ADHD, but the worse things are not.

Secrets, Meaness and Gaslighting....

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Sat, 01/07/2017 - 11:57

What makes this stop?

For me....DIVORCE. You cannot change an abuser. My ex husband enjoyed watching me cower, seeing my misery. He reveled in my sadness and depression.

After more than a decade of abuse...I finally had the courage to leave my husband. (He didn't have ADD/ADHD). He didn't keep secrets, but he was mean to me, gaslighted me...but only when we were alone. That way, he could paint me as the crazy wife, and he came off as "such a great guy". He walked away smelling like a rose, and I was the bitch who broke up the family.

When I filed, I'd been a SAHM for 8 years. I had no job, no education (because I thought I could "do that later", and didn't realize I was marrying a narcissist.) I ended up burning through quite a bit of my 401K in order to live, and currently I am in school pursuing an associates degree at 51. I work a minimum wage job in retail, because I cannot sit at a desk due to a medical condition. Student loans and income tax refunds are keeping me afloat. Some days, I am stressed out, but at least I can breathe, and be myself. I no longer live in fear of my ex-husband's rage, or walk on eggshells, or question my own sanity. I don't cry myself to sleep. My two children are proud of me for going back to school, and their love and support, along with that of my family and boyfriend have been a comfort to me.

A few suggestions

Submitted by SG on Tue, 01/10/2017 - 12:01

Im not sure if anyone else said what im going to say (as I didn't read all of that text).

My hubby also has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I have found that writing letters to him helps me get my message to him without the defensiveness he may have. Often times the letters turn out to sound very loving while still getting my point across. I have also found that I am more successful in speaking with him when he is well rested and not in hyperfocus. I can tell with my husband when he is in a good mind frame to talk, I use those times to speak gently with him and ask questions, I find he is more willing to talk openly with me. I think its really about choosing when to talk about issues you find important. I have also found that less is more when speaking with my husband. I try to choose my words so that I don't talk on and on about one thing. Just say what I have to say and if he chooses to listen to you or not, it is now in his hands. I know that if he really loves you and cares about your marriage he will make changes to his behaviours that are hurtful (even if they are small changes). I have seen progress, they may be small steps, but ill accept them as his attempt to make an effort.

Even through everything I know my hubby loves me, values me and still wants to be with me. That is what keeps me going. If you don't feel like he loves you, values you and wants to be with you then maybe you need to ask yourself if its worth going through this and feeling this way.

Hope this helps you. Good luck!

sorry for that

Submitted by Adhdivorce on Tue, 01/10/2017 - 14:11

I felt like the enemy many times too. My husband acted like things i did to help were intentionally to make him angry and sabotage our family and our relationship. I talked to him many times about my treatment, and treated him the way I wanted to be treated for so long. Finally I gave up and left.

I can say I feel guilty, but all the hurt and blame and namecalling and gaslighting have stopped. They only start again when I have to have communications with him. I hate to make him sad, but he made me sad for DECADES being a husband who ignored me also and only came to bed in the middle of the night when he felt like it. What kind of message is that to kids - who see their mom doing EVERYTHING around the house and the dad sitting on his chair all day and night. He didn't want to listen or change, or I was so fed up by years of this I gave up. I'm not saying it's the right thing for you but we're all just doing the best we can with the information we have.

I could go back to him and love him and cherish each crumb of attention he gives me every time he feels like it, and feel grateful every time he lifts a finger to help around the house, and apologize whenever I make mistakes and say how sorry I am for being stupid, but I don't want to do that. I have done that and although I don't regret my time with him, I do think it was damaging to myself and my self esteem.

I can understand your need to

Submitted by inthedark on Wed, 01/11/2017 - 14:44

I can understand your need to get a divorce. I have experienced the gaslighting lately (hate gaslighting), he lied about why he didn't buy me a xmas present (hate that). He has other priorities for his money! It goes on and on. So childish. They seem to pick women who will put up with them and then blame them for some reason, it's just all too stressful. Best wishes for your new life.

I don't know how you are coping with it either.

Submitted by DependentOrigination on Thu, 01/12/2017 - 01:59

That sounds like a very difficult situation you are in. Wow. You are not crazy. Trust me. I have thought I was crazy, losing my mind, depressed, and as soon as I began to build some safety for myself and some space between me and my husband, I began to realize, it wasn't me. Well, some of it was me, but only because of the situation I was in. And I was able to slowly work myself out of it.

Tough! I agree with what someone else said here. This is not just ADD at work. There is a LOT going on there. I hate the lying, the hiding, the doubt most of all. Why do you put up with this? Is this worth your whole life? If leaving is the best option for you, try to slowly and safely plan your way out in a leave no trace fashion. There are a lot of resources online on how to do this. I hope you find your way to a better place. We all deserve someone who sees us, who loves us, and gives to us freely. Time, effort and care.

Good luck. Seriously. I will be thinking of you.,

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Over Confindence Kills.....Insight Kitmao

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More Secrets Anchoring & Occums Razor

Kitmao The Meta-Analysis of "Meaness and Hostility"

Irony The Past Revisiting the Future

To Kitmao....

This isn't ADHD.

Secrets, Meaness and Gaslighting....

A few suggestions

sorry for that

I can understand your need to

I don't know how you are coping with it either.

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