Hello everyone,
I'd like to know if any of you have any advice on dealing with anger outbursts from your ADHD partner.
My personal situation is:
1. The outbursts are, to me, completely illogical and unpredictable. After an outburst, when I talk to my spouse and/or research online, I can eventually (usually) understand what caused the anger, but in the moment, it is 99% unexpected every time. This is causing me anxiety and I am starting to filter myself and wondering "what does she want to hear" rather than saying what I need/want to say, because I'm afraid of causing an outburst that is going to upset her (sometimes for hours or days.) I realize this is very unealthy and I want to be a proactive and supportive husband, but, see point 2.
2. I have tried to argue back. I have tried to discuss calmly. I have tried to just support her and l listen. Everything seems to escalate the situation unless I just sit there and "take it" and I don't believe I should have to take that abuse (at least it feels like abuse) and I don't have the psychological stamina to do it.
So any advice on avoiding outbursts, dealing with outbursts, understanding outbursts would be welcome.
Thank you in advance.
Sounds like more than ADD...
Submitted by c ur self on
Sound like you have a Narcissist there....No easy way to deal with it....Correct me if I'm wrong.....Arguing want help, because they want stop...Talking about her actions in calm moments want help, because she will always excuse her actions with blame or denial...It's also difficult to walk away, because this happen's in moments that you can't....Driving to a restaurant, etc....
I've about stopped mine from this, because I told her I want live under this kind of pressure any longer...I told her 2020 was our last year in the same house unless she can manage her emotions...Of course that goes for me also....I had rather get old with just friends and family than to fight and argue with my wife....God is to good, and life is to short...
Blessings friend, hope you find a calm solution....
c
Thanks C
Submitted by YM on
I've thought a lot about your comment, and although I don't think there's full-on diagnosis-level narcissism going on, I think my spouse might be somewhere on that spectrum and it helped me frame up my thinking and respond more appropriately to conflict. So thanks for taking the time to write.
Validating this as the non-ADHD spouse
Submitted by isitjustmees on
I swear, this message could be written by my spouse about me and about us. We're brand new to dealing with his ADHD, diagnosed after years of what I now understand is the typical pattern. If it's been building up for a long time, your spouse's anger makes a lot of sense to me, especially because of the way ADHD gaslights partners. We're furious at having begged for change, beaten down by years of destructive behaviors and being told we're the problem, and also, terrified that if we don't get our anger heard right in that moment, our spouse will forget there was even a problem the moment they leave the room... though I understand now that while ADHD creates that appearance, that's not really what's happening for the spouse who has ADHD.
Even if you're taking steps like starting meds, modifying behavior, etc., your spouse may have been struggling with the direct impact of your symptoms for a long time. She may still be living with the fallout (I definitely am, and may still be for years). So for her, the anger could be very much in the present, and also probably connected to All Of The Things that for you seem like the past. Or it's just an ingrained response by now.
I know my spouse just wants to get the eff away from me when I'm in a rage, while also feeling guilty for having caused it. I hate myself in those moments because the anger is so out of control and I know I'm being awful. Abusive, even, if only because of the sheer force of it, and because I'm just sort of wildly berating. It's as much a flight-flight response as anything. I'm basically a triggered, traumatized toddler in those moments. Or a feral animal. Or both.
There are times when my spouse is able gently break through, validate, and reassure the fear that underlies the anger... or even be able to recognize that I'm not just furious, I'm absolutely terrified (of him AND of myself). Sometimes it just ends with him leaving the room to escape me, which is probably the healthy thing for him to do, but that leaves me in despair and even more frightened that he'll just leave forever because All Of The Reasons.
When he's able to reach within and find empathy (and seems present, grounded, non-defensive, etc.), I can be reached. Something like "this must be really awful for you," asking if I'm scared, or just "I see you"... it can sometimes flip the switch back to human mode for me, and the anger typically turns to tears. We go through a lot of tissues. Anyway, hope this perspective resonates - this is so hard, but I want to heal from it too. I'm still in the phase where my anger needs to be heard and validated, but I don't want it to dominate either.
Feels good to know I'm not alone
Submitted by YM on
Thanks for taking the time to write. A lot of my struggles come from never knowing if the anger is a proper reaction or overreaction - not wanting to dismiss real emotions, but at the same time pushing back when it's inappropriate. Knowing that it's not just me helps take better decisions. So thank you.