Hello, everyone. This is my first post on any type of ADHD-related forum, and I'm not exactly sure how/where to start.
I am a 52 year old married father of four. I've been pretty certain that I'm suffering from ADHD for several years now. I've been in therapy, on and off, for more than five years...with limited results. I have FINALLY scheduled my official ADHD assessment for the 31st of January. That day cannot get here soon enough. I'm hoping that with a proper diagnosis, I can begin getting treatment, both medically AND through proper therapy.
I guess I will start by saying that my wife is DONE. She has suffered, from the spouce's point of view, for YEARS with my undiagnosed ADHD. It has gotten to the point where she literally has a bag packed, sitting on the floor next to her side of the bed, and is ready to walk away. She has told me that she can't do it anymore, has tried everything in her power to help our marriage, and is mentally and emotionally done dealing with my inability to consistently (or at all!) make any real improvements in our marriage. ALL of her feelings are real and valid. I asked her yesterday to not give up on me. This enraged her. After lying in bed, thinking about the situation, she had every right to be angry. She has stuck through my mental BS for years. She's only human, and can take just so much.
This woman is my world. She deserves so much more than I have been able to give her over the past several years. She doesn't believe that I love her, let alone have any interest in her. NOTHING could be further from the truth.
I'm just starting down this road of discovery, and am dealing with a significant level of self-loathing.
Thanks for reading.
I am your wife.
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Except I'm not. But I understand your wife. Your post made me sad because I am watching my husband in the same place you are. He has finally realized just how much damage his unmanaged ADHD symptoms have done. To his relationships, to the people around him, to his business, and to our marriage. It is difficult to watch him wrestle with self-loathing and beat himself up over the mistakes he's made and the things he wishes he could take back or change. He is so sorry. He adores me. And I know he honestly does, but 19 years of anger management problems, and verbal and emotional abuse have completely destroyed me to the point where I have absolutely nothing left to give him. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to fight or work at this anymore. After spending half of my life reeling from his destruction and chaos, I just want peace and quiet. I am mentally and emotionally depleted and completely exhausted. The only reason I have held on this long is because we also have four children that I have focused my life and energy on. But they are almost grown now, and I am afraid of what my life will look like when they are gone and I am left alone with him. I feel like so much of me has already died. Him being sorry is nice, but doesn't magically make all the damage disappear.
If I could recommend anything to you, it would be to give your wife space and time to process and heal herself. (She might need therapy to accomplish that.) Give it patiently and kindly, without expectations or time limits. Use this time to work on yourself. Own your behaviors to yourself and do the hard work. Maybe in time you can grow and heal and become the man she fell in love with to begin with. Maybe she can heal and still love that man if she can see that you are willing to try for her. But the best way you can show her that you love her now is to give her patience and understanding and grace no matter what happens or what she chooses. I can't imagine that will be easy, but it may turn out to be worth it.
EAB, thank you for your
Submitted by KMS on
EAB, thank you for your response. Your recommendation and advice are greatly appreciated. One of my lifelong personal issues is displaying patience. I understand your sentiment of letting her have her space and time, and know how important that is. The issue comes with actually executing that.
As is the case in our recent troubles, she does NOT think that I have it in me to actually DO that hard work. It's difficult for me to admit that, based on my history, she may be right. But, I have never been more sure of what I want to do, and the things that I need to do to accomplish my goals. She is the absolute love of my life, and I am dedicated to doing what I need to do to ensure we make it through.
Keep up the good fight
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I am glad that my advice did not come across as too harsh. My husband struggles with patience, as well, but he, like you, is dedicated to doing whatever it takes. Just the fact that you are self-aware and willing to work at it is a big deal. It will take time for your wife to let down her guard. My husband has diligently been working on himself for 6 months, and I am still on edge all the time when I am around him. I don't know when that will subside because the anxiety I've experienced for so long is so ingrained in me at this point that I don't know how to NOT feel it, even without him exhibiting his old behaviors toward me. It is a tough transition, even to something better.
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you for posting this, as this is me after 20years of undiagnosed ADHD. It so accurately reflects how i feel....depleated and exhausted. And potentially done no matter how remorseful he is
Hugs!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? I hope it goes away eventually, but it's literally all I know. I can't even remember the time when our marriage wasn't like this, so I don't even have a reference point for what it felt like to be happy with him. Even looking back at when we were dating, knowing what I know now, I can see soooo much damaging and manipulative behavior that I wish I would have run like the wind from. I would really like to get counseling for ME at some point because I feel like the trauma is impossible to heal without it. Hang in there! We are more than our life experiences, but it is really hard to see that some days.
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you for responding. It is a horrible feeling and you are right when you say "had you known what you do now....". But at the time, when you are young, the behaviour is explained away. Ive been in counselling 7months.....its helped a bit but im not getting the fast results i had hoped for. Its a process i guess.
I am also your wife
Submitted by swampyankee on
Except that I'm not, either.
I don't have a bag packed, but I am consulting with a divorce lawyer tomorrow.
I am honestly not sure what I would do if I suddenly saw a post from my actual spouse on one of these forums, saying what you are saying now. I am so incredibly angry with him, and I don't believe he has any interest in saving our relationship.
But I'm not your wife, and you aren't my husband. You have made an important first leap and that is being self-aware. And that is huge.
You might not be able to salvage your relationship (I'm not saying you shouldn't try) but you can focus on bettering yourself. We all need to do that. It takes two to tango, right?
Hang in there. You're on the right path.
Thanks For The Reply
Submitted by KMS on
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I hope that, somehow, things work out for the best in your situation. I am absolutely dedicated to trying to make sure that happens for me and my wife.
Take care.
I am your wife a year from now if you don't change
Submitted by Megs27 on
Think about this like a message from the ghost of Christmas future. My husband finally admitted he likely had ADHD and did what you are about to do a year and a half ago because I was ready to file for divorce. He got the diagnosis but instead of seeing it as an opportunity to pivot and start a new path, he went into an extreme shame spiral thinking there was something wrong with him and not being able to get past that. I was super supportive during this time---read a lot of books about it, listened to a lot of podcasts from people who have ADHD, and enrolled us in the ADHD for Couples seminar on this site. I learned all I could about ADHD and what I could do to trigger him less, be less of a parent to him, and have more empathy for things that I hadn't realized previously were so hard for him (for years I just thought he didn't care enough to put in the effort).
When it got hard and time for HIM to make adjustments, he reverted back to his old patterns of anger, deflecting blame on me (Recently he's been telling me he thinks I am the one with ADHD and he is just fine), and lying to cover up behavior that caused him shame. And when I caught him in another series of lies this past weekend I kicked him out, and changed the locks. I met with the divorce attorney yesterday.
Such a pity because I was willing to work on it if he was, but I'm not willing to continue this madness of untreated ADHD. Don't be my husband. Put in the work. Try to self reflect without shame, and do better now that you know better.
Megs, it sounds like you're
Submitted by KMS on
Megs, it sounds like you're definitely been through it! I need to look at this seminar that you mentioned. Despite everything I've put her through emotionally, and also her current level of anger and frustration, my wife is STILL willing to work with me. She is an amazing woman, and I'm the luckiest man in the world to STILL be able to call her my wife.
As I mentioned in my original post, I am NOT going to shy away from the work. This time around, I am taking it as the most serious thing in my life. I vowed to her last night that I will be making the changes that she will see and feel. Again, she said she doesn't believe me, but I'm here to prove it.
Thanks for your response, and good luck.
The seminar is great
Submitted by Megs27 on
If you are willing to put in the work, Melissa does a great job of highlighting how unmanaged ADHD effects relationships. The patterns described in the seminar and in her book were a 98% match for what was going on in our relationship. I'm not sure when the next one kicks off (you can find out on this site), but you can go ahead and get the book today and start the work.
I recommend starting with the chapter describing what it's like from an ADHD and non-ADHD perspective. I read through the non-ADHD part and highlighted what resonated for me and asked my spouse to read it to better understand what it feels like for me (He couldn't; it made him too upset and he just shut down). I also asked him to read through the ADHD part and highlight what resonated for him so I could read it and understand more from his perspective. He did this, and gave me A LOT of empathy for what he is going through. This empathy is what kept me going when he continued to push against change but ultimately it wasn't enough to excuse his continued lies. And to that I say---no matter how hard it gets, do not lie to your spouse.
Good luck to you both. It can be done if both partners are willing to make it work.