I have not been feeling well for quite some time. I had told dh a few times I wasn't feeling well lately and went to doctor to get tests taken last week. This Sunday morning, I said, I am not feeling well. His response, "I wasn't feeling well either this morning. But then I got out and starting working and I feel a lot better." With that, he had thrown back at me, "You aren't sick. If you would work, like me, you wouldn't be sick." Understand that I work full time. He does not. I know that when people are sick (or have any problem we need help with), he has no empathy and cannot tolerate it. When I have a problem or don't feel well, it is too icky for him to be with me and he stays away rather than being a "help mate" like I have been for him for 40 years. He does not appreciate or remember what I have done and what I have given him. He is self centered. There is no "me" in his life - only himself and how I affect his daily life. If something or someone gives him pleasure, he will feel love only then.
I asked him once what love meant. He said, "It gives you pleasure and makes you happy." That is a teenager'd idea of what love is.
Love means you care about something in life to give of yourself to that person or thing...Giving your time, attention, effort, energy and resources so that it/they will survive and thrive.
Dh is only able to survive himself. Much more is asking too much of his overwhelm mind. He can only focus on his own feelings, unaware and unable to give feelings or thoughts to someone outside of himself. I am not saying that this is a symptom of ADD but in dh's case, that is how he has chosen to cope with it. He is so independent in our marriage that I also believe that he keeps a running animosity between us so that he can justify to himself why he is verbally mean and thoughtless to me and why he is free to do whatever he wants without regard to how it affects the family. He makes up a fight between us, blaming me for the fight, then getting his secret revenge on me which is what he wanted to do all along, keeping his freedom from commitment or promises. I spent decades trying to get him to talk about these things but he will not talk about anything of substance - only about inconsequential things like jokes and weather. So when he lets things go and ignores his responsibilities, it had become our habit of him ignoring, not discussing and me taking care of things.
I am living with an ODD, ADHD inattentive teenager. Like another poster, I regret giving my whole life away by trying to think positive too long, sacrificing in the name of love and "hanging in there".
He's a teenager, alright!
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Jenna,
I have been wondering for quite a while: What did you ever see in him? Was he ever different? How long before his true self emerged? From reading your posts, I'm really not quite sure what you are holding on to here. He's an unemployed alcoholic with no coping skills for his unmitigated ADHD. And you are right: he is a teenager. My Dad has been in AA for over 25 years, and one of the things they say in AA is the age you started drinking is your emotional age.
I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm really, really not. You just sound SO miserable. I understand commitment and marriage. I have tried very hard to NOT be divorced, and now to work on being REALLY married, in the truest sense of the word. It's really important to me, too. This just seems like a one-side commitment. At a certain point, you need your partner's help, and he seems unwilling and unable to engage. I am not someone who advocates divorce in a flippant way. Marriage IS a commitment. Yet, sometimes, it doesn't work out. Life is too short to be sad all the time.
ADHDMomof2
I'm With You
Submitted by kellyj on
I so much agree with you.........there are many good reasons to avoid divorce (any one you can think of) but living a miserable life because you made a promise is not one of them. Chances are the other person you are married to is not having any fun either regardless of the reasons why.
Getting divorced sucks.....but that's also not a good reason not to sometimes.......on the other hand, not putting your best effort in first is also a good idea before you do.
Side note: ADHD does not cause you to be like a Teenager in thinking.....just sometimes it appears that way from our actions. There is a big difference. just say'in
Action vs Intention
Submitted by tfarmer on
With regard to your side note, it is those actions that are seen by the non ADHD partner and perhaps others around the ADHD person that are the problem. The disconnect between what the ADHD person claim are their intentions and how those intentions get put into action is one of the central problems in a relationship with an ADHD person.
Frankly, the repetitive conflicts, excuses, rationalizations and the unholy trinity of deny-deflect-defend makes the entire business seem contrived, deceptive and manipulative. In my experience these only serve to cover up the narcissism that is derived from little or no self-awareness on the part of the ADHD person and prevent them from confronting their own issues.
IMO the most disturbing aspect to all this is the ADHD person is fooling only themselves because we see it clearly. So, given a situation that results (likely repetively) in teenage like behavior from the ADHD person. How can anyone be expected to see anything other than a teenager? Intentions are not tangible or observable.
I believe that is the cause of many of the problems we read about on here. We, the non ADHD partners, reach a point in which the excuses and rationalizations are predictable. The manipulation of trying to convince us that somehow we are a bad person because they only screwed up "trying to do something for us" becomes repulsive. The blatant self deceptions become so transparent that the reasons for behavior become implausible. The apologies and promises to do better become meaningless because there is no action to back them up.
You seem to have worked through some of this so I would be very interested on hearing your thoughts. Thanks!
You Have Stated This Eloquently
Submitted by kellyj on
Dear tfarmer,
I have been on this forum for only a short time with my personal goal being.....to listening to the partners of those who are married to us......the ADHD spouses in part, to help me narrow down the things in my own behaviors that are caused by my ADHD.....and the ones that are not. But I have also been listening and commenting here to find clues to things that I have yet to see about my own actions that are being reflected back to me by others so that I can include them on the list of things that I have to be aware of that cause others to react the way they do and then ultimately, take action in making the necessary corrections where needed. I guess you might say this is my "mission statement".
To date,,,,,the comments in your post have done a better job of summing up the very thing that I have been looking for in a very balanced and insightful way......as well as done very eloquently.
I have no defense from your summation as it is the undeniable truth in many ways as I look back at myself and see this in so many cases of my own life. This is the hardest part for me right now as I am going through this culling process of my own behaviors, in having to look at things that cause me to see myself as this very person that I do not want to be. Speaking for myself.........it is not that I was completely unaware of these things in fact....you might say just the opposite and that most of the time......I was painfully aware of this but without the knowledge or resources to do anything about it. At that point.....all you can do is just plug the gaps with what you've got to work with.
It appears that to the degree of this kind of awareness......also comes the degree of denial (or Narcissism) as you pointed out..... but I will argue only that I think these two are more mutually exclusive than you make it sound in your assessment. I do think that many of the ADHD spouses I'm reading about in this sight appear to have Narcissism as a co-morbid character issue along with ADHD which would make sense in that they are so resistant to taking any responsibility for their actions and redirecting everything they do back to their partners
I'm saying this from my own experience (purely anecdotally) as comparing myself to the Narcissist that I have encountered in my life ( father, employer, female relationships,friends) using the DMSV definition as a model to this kind of pathological behavior. For the sake of argument.......I was so concerned that my issues were stemming from this that I kept asking my own therapist when I first started seeing him if this was not indeed the case with me.. He assured me that he was not treating me for that at the time but said my behaviors had "the flavor" of narcissism. I now understand what he meant.
My pathology ( if I have to say it this way...ouch) played out as being just the opposite in respects to this in most ways ie. Neurotic (OCD), dependent, defiant, avoidance, passive (vs antagonistic), passive aggressive (yes), depressive, flight vs fight etc.....in very consistent ways throughout my life. The most important component to Narcissism is the inability to empathize with others and that is where I depart from this group of character issues...in fact, it would appear that I have a great capacity for this even to an extreme sometimes however.....it can flip on and off and be very inconsistent when my focus is on myself and not others. That's the difference.
And that's the key to what I am doing. I have to develop ways to include others at the same time in my field of view instead of being narrowly focused on myself and then others, exclusive of one or the other. That's also why it looks like Narcissism ( or has the flavor of it ).
But that's also where I can see pretty clearly that the supporting statements you've made ( and the reasons for it ) sound very much like Narcissism to me as well.......and if the reasons for your statements come from you're own experience.....I'd venture to say that your spouse (now or past?) does to have NPD like co-morbidity to ADHD as well.
I guess what I'm saying is that using myself as an example......I have some of classic defense and behavioral symptoms stemming from my ADHD which do overlap with some NPD like symptoms but that is just it........the similarities stop right there with me and consistently play out in the fore mentioned set of more self imposed neurotic tendencies that I am working hard to be aware of and manage better in my own life.
Does any of this makes sense?
I've made the comment here in this forum that having ADHD comobid to any of the cluster B DMSV character disorder would be a nightmare to be around. I can't imagine what this would be like based on growing up with one as a father and knowing how impossible this was and never (in my case) getting him to budge even an inch in his behaviors with me and my family. Unfortunately......you cannot divorce your parents......all you can do is run for the hills..... yikes.
But this is also where the difficulties come from our side.....the ones with ADHD. The opinions that are formed by others based our behaviors.....and the consequent attitudes that follow can be just as impenetrable and just as impossible especially if they are wrong......ad usually are in my experience.
That is where my original statement ( the one you commented on) came from.
To have any real understanding and resolution to the problems that everyone is facing here in dealing with us ADHD partners and their own marriage requires at the very least......an accurate assessment of the problem or else it's very premise and all the efforts within it become flawed and futile. Round and round and round...........
It also appears to me that the difference that I'm hearing in these post between myself and some of the other ADH spouses is simply that I am no longer in denial. I have to say this carefully because I have to consider that I am not aware of all my behaviors (yet) but I am actively seeking them out for myself and open at looking at them. I'm somewhere in this process and still not quite sure where that is exactly. The evidence of this for myself are the times when I get really down and frustrated and have no where to go with it except back to myself. I have to learn to live with my own negative feelings and find ways to deal with them alone at times......bottom line.....live with it and still be OK.
It is like living the classic Greek "Heroes Journey" ( no implied self aggrandizing ) over and over. The rise, the fall and the rise again from despair.........and then doing it again,and again, and again.... It's exhausting! And all the opinions, anger, misunderstanding and reactions that are consistent with non ADHD people only make this process worse.....yet I have to exercise extreme self control, patience, empathy and understanding on my part so not to fall back to the old patterns in defense of this. The rewards also come from being able to do this when I can and that too, becomes the carrot in front of me that I can use at times when I start to lose heart. This is the difficult part in taking responsibility and I don't always do it....... but with practice........ it becomes easier and easier to do as time goes on.
I'm at this point in my self awareness at the very least.
Well...that's my story and I'm stick'in too it........that is until I change my mind to something different. There is always hope for that! lol
Wow.....that was a mouthful! I hope this gives you another insight that can be useful to you. I think the comments you made were some of the most lucid ones I have read in these posts so far......and are as close to being accurate as I have seen ( aside from the Narcissist thing ) Reading this was really what I have been looking for myself and it helps fill in some of the missing pieces that I need to help me be more aware of others. Thanks
What Happened?
Submitted by tfarmer on
Hey, Did you pull your post from earlier today? I thought it was very well thought out and presented. I read it but was at work and not able to respond.
I think you are right about narcissism. My use of that term was more of a descriptor than a diagnosis. I do not think my wife has NPD, her tendency to hyperfocus only on what she wants is most likely the cause of that behavior.
I was happy to see your reply today and was looking forward to reading it again. Your honesty and willingness to introspect as well as your experience would be quite helpful. I hope you will reconsider the post.
All the best.
I'm Not Sure?????
Submitted by kellyj on
A message came up saying it went to the administrator for review??? Not exactly sure why.....what did I say? I don't remember too much swearing ( actually none )lol
Interesting
Submitted by tfarmer on
That is a first. I did not see anything offensive or profane. I wonder what triggered the review. I will check back in the morning.
Thanks!
Hi George, You may want to look at these posts. Thanks :).
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Also, in the past two days, I have received two email notifications from this site, but when I hit "view comment," I have been sent to this site, but told the comments don't exist. Some bugs, perhaps? This has never happened to me before.
view comment emails from the site
Submitted by admin on
These were SPAM posts from "my friends the spell casters", that I deleted shortly after they were submitted, but the email already went out. As for the comment above that was unpublished, the spam filter caught it for some reason and unpublished it. As for why JJamieson's post was seen and then disappeared - she had posted the comment, and then revised it sometime later, at which point the revision triggered the spam filter. Don't see why, but it is a respected external-service spam filter, and sometimes it makes mistakes (both ways). Her comment is now published.
In upgrading the site, I had some issues with the "flag content" functionality that allowed our members to identify and automatically unpublish content. I still have to get that working again, so all of you can help keep this site clean.
George
Thanks for Checking
Submitted by kellyj on
Dear George,
I was beginning to get self conscious about my revision also..... thinking I had become a subversive interloper. ha ha
Thanks for re-posting it.
J
Disapearing posts
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I wrote a forum post on the day the site was being changed, and it disappeared- it could have possibly been posted right at the time the update was occurring. Who knows. Oh well. Based on these comments, it was worth mentioning since it seems at the time it was not just a one time fluke.
dissappearing post
Submitted by admin on
Yes, you were on the site starting a post when I turned of the old site to migrate the data. I waited for you to finish and post it, but then I thought you might have abandoned it. In any case, I pulled the autosaved version out of the database log and sent it to you via email. When you paste in the "body" of the post, click "switch to plain text editor" before posting, and then back to the normal editor, and it should then correctly interpret all the HTML markup. You will need to pull out the title from that first line of code.
George
Awesome!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Thanks! I was thinking I had posted it. I did not know I could start a post and save it as a draft for later?!?!?
I am thankful you took the time to find it.
Thanks so very much. I'll follow your instructions to post it.
Follow Up: Intolerance and Acceptance
Submitted by kellyj on
I see the post magically reappeared.....glad it did since it seemed to give you some perspective which always helps.
I wanted to follow up with something new from yesterdays visit to my therapist ( along with my spouse ). He's been seeing me for years as I have mentioned beginning as a marriage counselor while I was still married to my ex. This is where my journey began leading to my diagnosis with ADHD.
After our session....my wife told me that she thought my therapist was picking on me and she felt a little guilty a well as being a bit protective of me....that was nice to hear. But I told her that I didn't feel he was picking on me at all since I understood why he appeared to be one sided and that I trusted what he was doing with me. In the same vane....it is also why I have been focused in this forum particularly on the complaints of the non-ADHD spouses about their partners.
I boiled this all down to her in this way:
Having ADHD definitely caused me to experienced an overwhelming sense that people were treating me unfairly based on the fact that as a child, I had no understanding to why my parents and family (mostly my father) reacted to me with such animosity and venom. I developed ways to protect myself from these feeling any way I could but mostly......I was protecting my own feelings of love and caring for others that was being attacked in a very consistent and unbearable systematic way. I spent more energy defending myself from this than learning how to share it and thinking about the feelings of others in many ways. This became a pervasive way of being for me that has followed through in my relationships in more ways that I could ever have realized which is only reinforced by the negative attitudes of others to this day. This is the pattern that I have to break in order to succeed in a cooperative and loving relationship with anyone. I need to be flexible and tolerant to the fact that my ADHD does impact other people whether my intention is too or not. This also includes a certain degree of allowance of others disapproval of me and the things I do especially during the process of making these changes.
My past history is all others have to go on until those changes take place and putting too much energy and focus on defending my past does get in the way of progress in this respect......including, using the time I have available to me on the "how to" and just simply "doing it". That includes spending time here on this forum.
This is what my therapist was alluding to and I understood it clearly during our session. My wife needs connection from me and time within it bottom line. I need time to make changes and break old habits. This is where the rub takes place.I have to find more time for everything that I need to do in order for this to work which means making allowances and compromises in the things I might otherwise do only for myself....at least until some effective change occurs.
In other words.....I have to earn my freedom from the negatively of others by taking responsibility for it and taking action and in the interim time....allow and be tolerant of a certain amount of intolerance from the backlash of my past.
This is why I didn't feel picked on when my therapist was being hard on me more than he was with her even though I really appreciated the vote of confidence from my wife when she said the things she did. It was extremely supportive and I told her as much.
But I also told her that there is an implied expectation on my part at a certain point in this process being......that she needs to accept a degree of imperfection compared to her own in me as long as she see's my effort. That is where intention and effort needs to be recognized in the face of someone who has ADHD.
To the degree that this can happen I feel.....is to the degree of each persons inherent intolerance of other people in all respects. Intolerance comes from inside you and only you can change that. It is never contingent on anything someone else does aside from overt disregard, disrespect and lack of caring in other people. When you are talking about the daily annoyances of life with living with someone.......these are things where intolerance and acceptance can become ambiguous and strained. The negatively you experience inside definitely is conditional to your own ability to accept or not accept what is.
Thanks again for your comments. I will be following through on my own comments about spending time here on the forum for the time being since I did find what I was looking for and mentioned when I commented in m last post to you. I'll check back from time to time I'm sure but for now I'm taking a break to some other things. Today this includes installing a new dishwasher....always a good time! lol
Take care
Hey J
Submitted by tfarmer on
I am glad your post reappeared. Thanks for the kind thoughts and follow on post. I am happy my thoughts were of value to you.
I appreciate your comments on tolerance. As you said "I have no defense for your summation". I am basically a very easygoing person, not type A at all. There are only a few things that really get to me. But by far the most bothersome is irrationality. Although I have tried, it seems I have no empathy for that. I simply cannot comprehend why or how anyone can become irrational. Here is an absurd example. Every year my son, and perhaps some of his friends, visit at least one Halloween haunted house. We have been to many over the years. It is beyond my understanding how anyone can be startled by the loud bangs, people jumping out at you, etc. If you expect those things how can you get startled? I appreciate the work that goes into the costumes, props, and staging but I just don't get startled. It is not IF, but WHEN someone will bang the wall beside your head. Although a really fine point, is it not a bit irrational to be startled by something that you know, with absolute certainty, will happen?
So my ADHD wife and I are a match made in heaven, right? When something triggers her defenses she usually becomes extremely irrational. That is very difficult for me, my big weakness. Most of the time I will tell her that she is in full ADHD mode and will not respond to it. Lately she is misinterpreting this (and other communications) as some kind of power play. I am not doing this to exert any kind of domination, I am doing it to prevent escalation and confront her with her symptoms. I have spent a great deal of time and have studied ADHD much more than her ( disappointing ). Consequently, I can often recognize the onset of symptoms before she really gets defensive. She does not appear to recognize this at all until she calms down afterward.
The point is, if I can recognize these things why can't she? My short answer is she is not trying very hard. A more refined observation is that her ADHD is blinding her to her ADHD. That is what makes it so insidious. The self awareness I mentioned has to do with the rare occasion when we actually have a rational (that word again) conversation about ADHD. It is almost as if she is only willing to introspect to a certain level. It appears almost like she gets a glimpse of something that she does not like, or perhaps scares her. Denial?
She will freely admit that her ADHD is negatively impacting our relationship. However, there is little action to indicate she is doing anything to improve the situation. She may intend to, but it just does not happen. I will stick my neck out. I would estimate that at least 80% of the problems we have can be traced to ADHD and lack symptom recognition and management. Even symptom -response-response begins with a symptom. That is the fundamental. I do not expect perfection but I do expect improvement.
A quick note on response. In most cases when we fall into the symptom-response-response trap my response is due to the cumulative affect of symptoms. An example, my wife will ask for money to do something, say $25.00. I respond with a snarky comment about a financial bottomless pit. In her mind I am being mean because all she asked for was $25.00. What she is not considering is that she spent her discretionary fund in a few days (it is planned to.last two weeks). She is also not considering that she has already spent $300 over that amount that must come from my discretionary fund. There is no apparent comprehension of this (now/not now). So, the response is not about the $25.00. The response is about the inability to keep track of her expenses, the lack of self discipline to not buy impulsively, and the fact I have already given her money thereby limiting my options.
It is like her mind and memory work as a series of snapshots while mine is more like a video. She must file these snapshots away then pull them out to create her video. The issue is when she does that there appear to be frames missing. Gaps. Were these mis-filed? Were they accessed out of sequence? Did she intentionally discard those that are missing? Either way she is 110% convinced she is spot on.
The non-ADHD partner is responding to the movie, not a snapshot. We are hardwired for that, and in fact required to do that in virtually all aspects of life. It is as difficult for us to "not see the movie" as it is for an ADHD person to get the snapshots in order.
I hope at least some of this will make sense. I would welcome your thoughts, particularly if any of it resonates with your experience. No worries on a quick reply as I tend to pop in and out of here somewhat randomly. I hope the dishwasher install went well.
All the best
hey tfarmer
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm taking a break from this forum to now focus on the things that I have learned here. I did come here in search for answers about a specific type of anger that only appears when I am in a close relationship ( and currently with my wife) and no other time....or at least that's what I thought.
But I also remembered this post and your inquiry about your wife's somewhat unexplained irrational behavior and I wanted to respond to it before I disappear.
I can't speak for your wife's life (past) experiences while growing up or her particular brand of ADHD but......I can share in part what I have learned in the answer to my own search which I believe may be a clue to your wife's behavior that neither you (or her) could seem to make rational sense of.
The key words in all of this is "rational sense" or logic. I've been using the same criteria to find answers to something that does not have any logic or reason and that is the experience of betrayal. Mine came in the form of a parent that had the complete inability to care of show love. I look at my father now not with disdain but with pity because I realize now..... from what little of his past that I did hear about...... that something happened to him in his youth that literally killed his ability to feel and show love and I can only feel genuinely sorry for him any more. (he's been dead for 30 years)
He grew up at a very difficult time in history (during the depression) in a bad part of St Lois, MO. I can only imagine what that was like. The only story that really stood out in all of this was the one where he was sent out into the streets at age 10 to sell newspapers to help his family pay the bills. The other stories that I heard made the streets of St Lois during this time sound like a very dangerous and scary place to be as a young boy alone in them. He managed to survive and get an education despite the poverty that he experienced but I know that he paid a price due to his circumstances and from growing up with his own father who sounded like he too....lacked the ability to feel or express love ( being abandoned by his parents and sent half way around the world to live in the US as an orphan with some distant relative).
The inability to love and the anger and betrayal of the past that he never was able to resolve in himself came out in the form of a violent temper, raging attacks on myself and our family and in a few instances...in the form of physical lashing out and corporal punishment. It doesn't take much to frighten you so badly that you become afraid of the very person that you need to express love to and receive it back in an even exchange. This never happened in the case of my father.
However....my mother was a different story. There were copious amounts of love that were shared and despite her own issues to the contrary.....the one thing that I was instilled with from her was the golden rule and how to love. You don't need much more than this to be happy and be happy with other people I know this much for sure.
This may seem to be getting way off track to you, your wife and ADHD........but what I have come to realize is that the wounds from this kind of betrayal can run very deep and can reappear in ways that are very hard to see especially since the experiences that created these wounds started when you are too young to deal with or make any rational sense of.
Hey.....there's those two words.....rational sense ( or irrational sense )
I will end this for you to make your own conclusions but......I can't imagine that someone who grows up having ADHD would not experience some form of rejection or hurt due to the lack of understanding why these things happen to them and the negative reenforcement and feedback that they might experience from their caregivers and close relations along with it.
And thanks to Melissa just recently.......I discovered something new to add here for myself and that is "emotional lability" to which I'm a prime candidate. I haven't had time enough to let this all settle in but I have already had a profound awakening to all of this based on my own emotions to them and without any logical explanations or clinical diagnosis. i don't need these to tell me that I know why I know these things......it is only important now that I recognize them for what they are so I can finish healing any left over wounds from my past.
This is the source I was looking to find in this very specific anger in me but also now realize the denial that also came this as well. I have yet to put the denial of ADHD and the denial of this kind of early trauma together but I'm betting now that there is a strong correlation between the two. I'm less concerned about this correlation personally at this time because my search appear to have lead me to these answers to my satisfaction for now. Like I said....it's enough to do something about any left over anger that is associated with it and I'm now armed with the knowledge and resources to see it when it begins to happen again long before it can begin to spiral out of control.
But even more important to this.....it has given me the ability to tell this same story to my wife so that she now can understand it. I could tell the moment I did this with her...that she could make sense of something that appeared to be irrational and unexplainable before. She has her own version of this story too which made it easy for her to relate to it in herself and I already know that this is going to pay dividends for us in the future.
I hope this shines a light on things for you. I wanted to make sure I wrote this to you before I forgot and disappeared. I said before that you have some good insight of your own and I'm thinking that you will be able to use this. I hope that you can. Good Luck.
J
Thanks J!
Submitted by tfarmer on
Thanks for the reply, and your willingness to share the insights you have gained from your journey. I am confident you will continue to improve your relationship. I have just started looking into emotional lability but I believe you are correct that this is likely integral to the "algorithm" that seems to be my wife's coping mechanism. (Interestingly, her ex-husband is a complete narcissist)
I hope that someday she will dismantle the destructive parts of this mechanism and step out of that airplane door.
It has been a true pleasure communicating with you and I wish you all the best.
My husband is the same about being sick!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I came down with a cold about 3 weeks ago. He ended up coming down with it a little over 2 weeks ago while he was at his race weekend. Totally blames me for getting him sick and he couldn't finish his weekend there because of it. We live in the same house and I stayed away from you but you still got it. It's not my fault! It's not like I was licking your keyboard and sneezing in your food! It's been over 2 weeks now and he's still snotty from the cold. Keeps bringing up "Gee I wonder why I'm still stuffy? I say "Gee I don't know because mine cleared up within a week. Maybe it's your secret lover that gave it to you!" I'm just so tired of getting the blame for a simple cold and him blowing it way out of proportion as to how I had plans all along to get him sick.
A few years ago I came down with a high fever, chills, extreme headache and just general aches. We only had one car at the time and he worked second shift and got off at 10:30PM. The week prior he had a coworker bring him home. I called him that afternoon at like 5PM and asked if he could have someone else bring him home because it just hurt to move off the couch and I certainly didn't want to have to go get him late at night. His response? "Can I ask why you don't want to come get me?" I say "I am really sick" He says "Well I'll just come home at lunch and take off the rest of the night so come get me at 6PM". No! The point is I don't want to get off the couch to come get you at all! I don't want to come get you early and I don't want you to take the rest of the night off. If the tables had been turned it would have been a totally different story. Heck, if he simply had a bad cough I'd hear again and again how sick he is and how he can't even make a simple decision because he is so sick. If I was diagnosed with cancer he'd probably say "Well you just need to eat better and you'll feel fine!"
Mapper, this reminds me of
Submitted by soconfused on
Mapper, this reminds me of something that happened when my husband and I were still dating. He was taking a bus home long-distance from Chicago, and I was supposed to pick him up at the terminal. I happened to get pretty sick that day. I went to the bus terminal anyway, and sat in my car for at least an hour waiting for the bus to arrive (it was late). He wasn't answering his phone when I called to find out what was going on (I found out later that the battery had died). Finally I was so annoyed and felt so crappy that I just went back home -- who knew how long I'd be sitting there? I figured he'd call me when he got in or, worse case scenario, call a cab. Of course, he got mad and blamed me for not waiting until the bus finally arrived. It seemed really unreasonable and selfish of him to get angry, and I couldn't help but think that most people would be more understanding and take that sort of thing in stride. He really believed that I was in the wrong though. I don't think he ever really saw my side of things and I never really forgave him for it, just pushed the memory aside until I read your comment and remembered what happened.