I have not been feeling well for quite some time. I had told dh a few times I wasn't feeling well lately and went to doctor to get tests taken last week. This Sunday morning, I said, I am not feeling well. His response, "I wasn't feeling well either this morning. But then I got out and starting working and I feel a lot better." With that, he had thrown back at me, "You aren't sick. If you would work, like me, you wouldn't be sick." Understand that I work full time. He does not. I know that when people are sick (or have any problem we need help with), he has no empathy and cannot tolerate it. When I have a problem or don't feel well, it is too icky for him to be with me and he stays away rather than being a "help mate" like I have been for him for 40 years. He does not appreciate or remember what I have done and what I have given him. He is self centered. There is no "me" in his life - only himself and how I affect his daily life. If something or someone gives him pleasure, he will feel love only then.
I asked him once what love meant. He said, "It gives you pleasure and makes you happy." That is a teenager'd idea of what love is.
Love means you care about something in life to give of yourself to that person or thing...Giving your time, attention, effort, energy and resources so that it/they will survive and thrive.
Dh is only able to survive himself. Much more is asking too much of his overwhelm mind. He can only focus on his own feelings, unaware and unable to give feelings or thoughts to someone outside of himself. I am not saying that this is a symptom of ADD but in dh's case, that is how he has chosen to cope with it. He is so independent in our marriage that I also believe that he keeps a running animosity between us so that he can justify to himself why he is verbally mean and thoughtless to me and why he is free to do whatever he wants without regard to how it affects the family. He makes up a fight between us, blaming me for the fight, then getting his secret revenge on me which is what he wanted to do all along, keeping his freedom from commitment or promises. I spent decades trying to get him to talk about these things but he will not talk about anything of substance - only about inconsequential things like jokes and weather. So when he lets things go and ignores his responsibilities, it had become our habit of him ignoring, not discussing and me taking care of things.
I am living with an ODD, ADHD inattentive teenager. Like another poster, I regret giving my whole life away by trying to think positive too long, sacrificing in the name of love and "hanging in there".