Submitted by Hopeful Heart on 10/31/2015.
ADHD seems to create the perfect storm for failure.
1) Accident Prone. Injured and not able to properly manage recovering.
2) Misses important details in most situations. Misses important opportunities.
3) Doesn't learn from past mistakes. Just keeps repeating.
It is heart wrenching to watch the people you love sabotage their success, relationships, future. Especially when they have so much talent, intelligence, and potential.
So true. Wasted potential. It
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
So true. Wasted potential. It becomes quite exhausting to continue to be the cheerleader for their life which is a game they don't put their all into. They don't listen to advice yet they do that self-eval once in a while to only say they suck and not progress and improve. Only thing you can really do is not fall in that rut yourself and lead by example but don't expect huge life pattern changes.
Drama and chaos. It appears
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Drama and chaos. It appears that they intentionally create drama and chaos. Or appears that they thrive on it. I am a very low key person that likes to work hard and mind my own business. I plan ahead every single day in my own life so that I can avoid drama and chaos. I hate it!
Sadly, I am starting to detach from them emotionally. I don't want to detach emotionally, but I think my brain is going into self preservation mode. I would rather separate myself from them physically (live separately on a day to day basis) and try to maintain an emotional connection, but I don't think that's really possible either. "Out of sight, out of mind". That's how their brain works.
How can I remove myself from the drama and chaos while still maintaining a positive relationship with them?
It's really hard because you
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
It's really hard because you are supposed to work as a unit. For me, I work regular 40 hrs 8-4:30 and he works 2-9PM so the less I see him, the less I see his poor choices and hear the drama although he likes to tell me it all. I have to breath and self talk and tell myself I am ME and not him. He will have to deal with the consequences. I am laid back and chill most the time so I have to do things that relax me ALONE. Moves, shopping, take care of myself. Another thing he does is realize he makes no progress and is stagnant, he makes promises, goals, says he wants to do more with his life, and I roll my eyes privately. Its been 25 yrs that we have been married and he is almost 48. He is still in same place emotionally as he was at 21. All over the place. He has shown me that if you cross him, he makes you pay and hold grudges by cutting you out of his life. Very sad. But I remind myself that I had a maiden name and I am a different person. I too have started to protect my emotions and detach from his misery because I lived from 1990-2013 so affected that I was sedentary and going no where either. I was detached, depressed, my body ached from stress and I will not allow his broken state to ooze into my life. I was raised by my mother after my Dad left and she did a great job. She raised positive, nurturing and hard working children and I won't change! I like who I am. So yes, I walk away from the drama in the nicest way possible and I let him be. Whether I feed into it, encourage or leave him be, results are the same: he still hates himself and says he is inadequate and sucks. I don't like Eor. Keep in touch!
Oh and living separate...that
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Oh and living separate...that wouldn't work for us. He would say I abandoned him and shut down and disconnect and be angry and for me, it would be worse dealing with a mopey man. In time, I would not want to come back. So I stay, accept good times and braces for relapses, more of the same drama. I choose to swim while he treads water. I have more friends, even some that started being his, I hold the FT stable job with benefits, I keep house organized, clean, etc all this with Fibromyalgia-like pains daily. I have a lot to be grateful for, that I have awesome family, friends, job and a strong belief in God that he has kept me faithful, resilient and grateful. Set yourself up for success no matter what Eor/Tigger/Debbie Downer does/or doesn't do with his/her life.
Hopeful heart, important list
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear Hopeful heart, this is INDEED an important list of things I continually watch my severely ADHD husband do. I know these things frustrate him also, but he can dismiss them EASILY as well. NUMBER 2) Misses important details in most situations, and misses important opportunities. YES.........repeatedly.
It's SO SAD to watch this happen, over and over again. There are important letters that he gets, where he didn't read everything in the letter, so either a bill didn't get paid, or a signature wasn't signed, or he didn't read VITAL information for OUR well being. He's misses important times of being somewhere, or dates, and ESPECIALLY missed opportunities.
NUMBER 3) Doesn't learn from past mistakes. just keeps repeating them. (I'd like to add something on this one) Each time, is like the FIRST time he's done this. Doesn't remember the "other times" he tried to do the same thing, and it didn't work.
I have watched him with his "new business ventures" come up with idea after idea, hoping that THIS TIME, he's going to "make it work", and it goes nowhere. What it seems like to me............is that he does this so that he can have a FOCUS POINT, and have a 'direction to go in". He really DOES hope something will "pan out' for him, but he misses so many little details along the way, that even a GREAT IDEA, turns into a not so great idea, because he didn't see the "small things" he should have included and thought about ahead of time. If working hard was the only way to success, he should be a billionaire right now, because he's spent thousands upon thousands of hours on WORKING. Work alone is not enough though. We have to work smart, and have a clear direction. Plus, it's always good to have your spouse's support on whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. I tried to talk to my husband last night about how I feel "excluded" from these "decisions" of his. He decides something and runs with it, or alienates himself until he "works it out", and then wants my support after he's come to the conclusion he feels is "workable". This doesn't allow me any "input' or allow him to bounce ideas off of me, and maybe we can come up with workable things TOGETHER.
It's very hard to feel married, when either the ADHD, or my husband, BOTH ACTUALLY, doesn't allow me (to be married) with him. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU? He does so many things in his own mind, and wants my approval without my input. He makes decisions on his own, and my feelings, or wants, or desires don't seem to be part of his "equasions". It's like he doesn't KNOW what being MARRIED is. I see it as a PARTNERSHIP, he seems to see it more as us just being co-habitants who just happen to BE married. I've learned to live with that, but it's not fulfilling for me OR him. But, trying to have a conversation about this with him is STILL as difficult as it EVER WAS.
He is now looking for a new job. We are both 59 and I dread the thought of another cross country move. I didn't want to move HERE, because I knew this job wasn't going to go anywhere, and it didn't. But, he didn't want to hear that from me back then. He made the decision ALONE to come here, against ALL my better judgment, and even proving to him on paper, WHY this job COULDN'T go anywhere. He just wanted OUT of his "then" current situation, and wanted something NEW AND SHINY. Here we are again. The prospect of NEW AND SHINY is again rearing it's ugly head, and the ADHD is going full blast, needing a new FIX for his self esteem. I agree in part, that he DOES need a better job, especially one that PAYS BETTER. But, I'm so afraid he will do the same thing again, and choose a low level, bottom of the barrel job, because that's where he feels the most "comfortable". He KNOWS he can do THAT kind of job, but it's the ones that are already up and running and SUCCESSFUL, that scare him. (hE WON'T ADMIT THAT HE'S SCARED) This false "bravado" stuff is really old now. We are close to retirement age, and have NO RETIREMENT, since we've had to spend it , to live on currently.
It's safe to say that I HATE HIS ADHD. He takes medication, but he hasn't done ANY behavioral therapy or training. The medication alone, is not enough. He and WE need more.