Selfish or ADHD

How do you know if someone with ADHD really does care/love you?  This has been on my mind lately.  Is it the self-centered-ness of ADHD or does he just not care?  The question I have asked myself for years except before the ADHD diagnosis it was is there something wrong with his brain or does he just not care about us?  Knowing it is ADHD has helped somewhat, but the behaviors are still there.  I've seen this trait mentioned in other posts and I experience the same thing.  My dh says he loves and cares about us but does not show it in any way.  The other day our dd had an event at school, a big deal, and when she came home he didn't ask her about it (I had asked her in the car).  I thought I should whisper to him to ask her-he does have ADHD and probably forgot, it would be the nice, supportive wife thing to do, but then thought no-why can't he remember?!  I did.  Why can't he?  I really do understand that self-centered thinking is a part of ADHD but really-you can't remember your dd had an important event.  And yet I am still surprised that he forgot, when he has over the years, forgotten to ask about important doctor's appointments, school events, whatever.  But never does he forget his appointments or anything important he wants to do-that coincidentally only involves him.  This is one of the tough parts of having a spouse with ADHD.  But, what if he is just the type of person that cannot care about others.  His mother is a very selfish person.  Her mother (dh's grandmother) was the same way.  Is my dh like that too, or do they all have ADHD?

Is it the difference between men and women?  Are women with ADHD like this too?  I've read posts from people with ADHD that have shared with honesty what it is like, constant thoughts in their brains.  But, I don't have ADHD and I have a hundred different things on my mind and I can still remember to ask my dd about her thing at school. 

So how do you know when someone truly loves and cares about you?  When the actions don't match the words.  Is my life with an ADHD spouse going to be a constant of me reminding him about things that he should remember on his own, like he's a child.  but I'm not supposed to treat him like a child.  There are so many occasions looking back over our years together when I think he didn't really act/react the way a loving husband would.