How do you know if someone with ADHD really does care/love you? This has been on my mind lately. Is it the self-centered-ness of ADHD or does he just not care? The question I have asked myself for years except before the ADHD diagnosis it was is there something wrong with his brain or does he just not care about us? Knowing it is ADHD has helped somewhat, but the behaviors are still there. I've seen this trait mentioned in other posts and I experience the same thing. My dh says he loves and cares about us but does not show it in any way. The other day our dd had an event at school, a big deal, and when she came home he didn't ask her about it (I had asked her in the car). I thought I should whisper to him to ask her-he does have ADHD and probably forgot, it would be the nice, supportive wife thing to do, but then thought no-why can't he remember?! I did. Why can't he? I really do understand that self-centered thinking is a part of ADHD but really-you can't remember your dd had an important event. And yet I am still surprised that he forgot, when he has over the years, forgotten to ask about important doctor's appointments, school events, whatever. But never does he forget his appointments or anything important he wants to do-that coincidentally only involves him. This is one of the tough parts of having a spouse with ADHD. But, what if he is just the type of person that cannot care about others. His mother is a very selfish person. Her mother (dh's grandmother) was the same way. Is my dh like that too, or do they all have ADHD?
Is it the difference between men and women? Are women with ADHD like this too? I've read posts from people with ADHD that have shared with honesty what it is like, constant thoughts in their brains. But, I don't have ADHD and I have a hundred different things on my mind and I can still remember to ask my dd about her thing at school.
So how do you know when someone truly loves and cares about you? When the actions don't match the words. Is my life with an ADHD spouse going to be a constant of me reminding him about things that he should remember on his own, like he's a child. but I'm not supposed to treat him like a child. There are so many occasions looking back over our years together when I think he didn't really act/react the way a loving husband would.
Dr A
Submitted by Mind Shattered on
Panda123 wrote, "So how do
Submitted by Second Chances on
Panda123 wrote, "So how do you know when someone truly loves and cares about you? When the actions don't match the words."
This is an excellent question and one I ponder as well. My BF says a lot of the right things, very sweet and caring, romantic things. But now those words feel empty to me. Because how could someone who LOVES and cherishes me deliberately put me in such a bad financial mess? Why would a man who LOVES me let our internet service be turned off because he's two months late paying the bill? (And worse, when we both "work" online!) How can he truly LOVE me and yet sit back and goof around on Facebook while I am busting my ass trying to work and make money to pay our bills?
I've done my best to gently comment and explain this situation to my BF, so that he hears and understands my concerns (and fears!) I've done so in a non-accusing way, careful to express my feelings without blaming him. I've made it very clear that I feel "unsafe" and "unsettled" with him now... and like I cannot count on him to "be there" for me. Yet his behaviors have not changed.
Tomorrow I am having an MRI for a lump in my right leg. I already have cancer (a rare neuroendocrine cancer) that I've had for 7+ years. So having a new "lump" appear is of course stressful. Yet my BF let his business partner schedule some stupid project of theirs to be tomorrow morning. I'll go to the MRI alone. Can I blame his ADHD for his "forgetting" my appt? Even though it's written in big sharpie magic marker on all our household calendars? When I asked him about it, he blamed his business partner for scheduling the day and time. Way to "be there" for me, BF... way to go.
As Panda123 expressed, right now, some ACTION would speak a lot louder than words. <sigh>
Guy's perspective
Submitted by c ur self on
In reading your posts concerning this Q: "So how do you know when someone truly loves and cares about you? When the actions don't match the words." I will chime in, because this question has haunted me for the all most 6 years I've been married to my wife who has add. I think add/ADHD definitely effects a person's ability to focus on the needs of others, family included. Especially family, because they are the most affected...My wife will get a girl friend at work and make plans (hyper focus on the plan at the cost of every most every other responsibility in her life) with her, without even thinking to check with me. She will always have an excuse for why she does things the way she does, no matter how uncaring or inconsiderate her actions seem to me. Is it just coincidence that all of us have the same stories about our mates? I don't think so...The add mind will always appear to be selfish and self absorbed...Its not that she isn't loving and smart...she will visit friends who get sick, she will buy gifts, she desires good things...But even the things she does that are thoughtful or nice have to be on here terms, and she must control it. So, Yes I believe add mates love their spouses. But, I don't think the reality of their (adders) actions, are truly perceived by the add/ADHD mind...they think all is fine...and we're in shock...:). The moral to this story is: Love the fire out of them, be faithful, and true...BUT, be wise enough to see the reality of add/ADHD in action and the effects it has on people. Let them be responsible for their own actions...Don't fall to the temptations to mother them are you will get disappointed...Don't take this wrong, but why would I continue to let my emotions get so effected by counting on and trusting in someone (regardless how much I love them) who a lot of the time has a reality towards responsibilities of an 8 year old ?? Adders have a normal and non adders have a normal and most of the time they look nothing a like...If we don't set up some boundaries, and both parties respect them, were just asking for Chaos!
Thank you for your wise
Submitted by MFrances on
Thank you for your wise insights! I love this: "but why would I continue to let my emotions get so effected by counting on and trusting in someone (regardless how much I love them) who a lot of the time has a reality towards responsibilities of an 8 year old ?? " That is so true. And no matter how much I wish that weren't the case, it is and I do have to find a way to deal with it and set up those boundaries.
This is so true also, "But even the things she does that are thoughtful or nice have to be on here terms, and she must control it." I think this is what helps people with ADHD appear to be so charming in public, they are generous but on their terms. But people don't see that, they only see the generosity, the spouses see the real reason behind it. Plus, charity begins at home and it doesn't seem like our spouses are doing that.
I still don't know though, you are right, ADD does make the person self centered, but some people are just selfish people no matter if they have ADD or not. Either way, it is what it is and I have to find a way to cope.
I'm so sorry you have to go
Submitted by MFrances on
I'm so sorry you have to go to your appointment by yourself. I know how that feels. It's happened to me. I hope you got good news.
It does always seem to be someone else's fault, doesn't it.
Thanks Panda
Submitted by Second Chances on
Thanks for your kind words - the MRI went fine and I'll get results next week.
You wrote, "Plus, charity begins at home and it doesn't seem like our spouses are doing that."
Yes. Exactly! It's the old "The cobbler's kids have no shoes" kind of story. To the "community" in which my BF and I both work, he is held up as an expert, he is regarded as a guru. As a man who gets things done! Knows a great deal and makes a lot of money! No one would ever fathom that he is so horribly in debt, that I pay for (everything) we "have" in our life together here. It's absolutely ridiculous and I recognize that now I am resentful. It's like I know what is behind the curtain, I am the only one who knows... that it's not the almighty Wizard of Oz, you know? <sigh>
I am sorry that so many of us are stuck in this boat, but I hope that we can help our situations... even if it gets worse before it gets better.