Hi all
been reading on here for awhile. I had an adhd boyfriend before and he ended up being abusive so I left him. My current boyfriend also has ADHD. We live together and have been together for over a year.
im starting to notice a selfishness that I can't shake. For example, I was diagnosed with COVID today. (Boyfriend is completely asymptomatic) It's been so severe for me I can't get out of bed. I woke myself up screaming because the pain was so bad. Boyfriend told me not to even get tested, that I'm always sick because I'm out of shape (I'm very healthy and a normal weight).
Once I did get tested, I mentioned my mom invited me to stay with her so she can look after me. He immediately started saying "why would you tell her you wanted to go without considering me? Can't I look after you?" And I explained that I didn't tell her we're coming I just expressed interest in going. I said that I understand he's more comfortable at home but I go spend time with his family every time he wants to and I'd appreciate if he returned the favor. That just made him more upset. He said I need to consider how he feels too.
am I wrong for just feeling like screaming "THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU?" I literally have COVID and just want to spend some time getting better. I don't even know how to deal with this right now
Prospective?
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
Disclaimer: I'm not an expert. I'm Christian. I believe in fighting for marriage/relationships.
I'd love to know I didn't have the right that when I leave a comment btw.
Im ADD, my husband is ADHD. I do all the things in our marriage. Including being the doctor and never the patient.
With all that being said, being on the outside I see your point. You probably have bad past experiences with you man letting you down and this time when you really knew you were going to be down for the count your mind went to how best to achieve that. I get it. Almost 10 years with hubby.
His babe is sick. He gets to save her and play hero. She's leaving. Now it's about my family? How did they get in this? Now I'm mad.
That happened in a split second. Or it did in my ADD mind.
I don't know the exact ins and outs of your relationship. Only you know for sure how to proceed with your man. I just tried to read your post from all sides since I think I'm on all of them hence my handle lol.
Sounds like he is hurt you didn't think about him taking care of you. You are probably right that it will not be fun or a good idea. In my opinion, that is why he reacted that way. He isn't saying you are wrong, he's just hurt he wasn't an option.
I pray you and your man find a way to be what you used to be for each other. God bless.
This is about you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You are allowed to be the one who feels terrible right now and does whatever feels good and right and safest for you (ADHD partner or not)! I am so sorry you have COVID. Please take care of yourself and unashamedly put yourself first.
In terms of ADHD, you will see a lot of posts on here regarding partners having difficulty in caring for a sick partner. You are not alone and it is scary when you can't count on your partner or when a partner makes it all about them. You're having your feelings for a valid reason. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Hugs.
Busy Bee how are you feeling?
Submitted by sickandtired on
I hope you are feeling better. Please let us know. There are many of us here who care.
BusyBee
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
You’re not wrong
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
I am on here to post something similar, about how a conversation with my ADHD husband about me trying to balance my life and slow down and have less stress became all about him and the time we go north so he can ski. He felt very threatened that I was attempting to take care of myself. I think we need to remember they will make things all about them because of their own feelings of inadequacy and we have to set up boundaries and do what's best for ourselves. It helps to turn the tables and think about how you would respond if they were doing what we are trying to do (take care of ourselves). No doubt we would be supportive and that is what we deserve too. We need to grieve it if they can't give that to us. :(
Look after yourself.
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Hi BusyBee123,
My advice is to assume you are on your own. My ADHD wife (recently diagnosed) always finds something more interesting to do than provide me with any support when I'm sick or injured. I had to go on a 5mile.hike a day after suffering ankle ligament damage otherwise she wasn't taking our 3 year old to a dinosaur exhibition. I had to continue taking my son Swimming with 2 broken fingers. When Covid first hit, I'm pretty sure I had it and she would send my son in to wake me up at 07:00 (I normally get up at 06:00) when I desperately needed rest. I made all my own meals and washed my own dishes and still done the majority of the childcare.
I have been this sick 3 times and have never had any consistent support from her.
She prioritises work over our son when he's sick.snd.I end up looking after him whilst working from home.
The sad reality is that caring for you or even accepting that you are incapacitated is not a priority. The priority is their need and their reliance on you keeping everything in order.
I hope you get better soon.
Your feelings are valid
Submitted by TheMaskedMagician on
Sadly, this is classic ADHD. It's not that they are selfish people deep down, it's just that they have behaviours that come across as selfish and oftentimes very hurtful. They are incapable of thinking about other people for long enough, and sensitively enough to show care because very often they are simply wrapped up in their own world. The problem is that when you are on the receiving end of this behaviour it all feels exactly the same as pure narcissism - after all, you can't feel 'intentions', only actions. My advice to you is to do whatever is necessary to look after your physical and mental health and do not feel bad for doing so.