I guess I need to just vent. No need to reply. I have 99% come to terms with my decision to leave, and as others have mentioned it's not all the ADHD that has caused these things. I see so many similar stories and just want to share. These are in order of importance in my decision to leave.
1. 5-15 times of physical abuse. This is not hospital stuff or like in the movies, but there has been blood and bruises. I brushed all of this off because I wanted the marriage to work. If we would argue and I would immediately back down and say that I'm wrong and he's right, and I've learned from my mistake, and I won't do it in the future, then the argument doesn't escalate. But if I refused to back down he would make me pay, sometimes threatening and then hitting me or pinning me to the floor or wall until I apologize. Or sometimes in the middle of an argument without warning when I say something in the wrong tone of voice i would get hit in the head or face. I would immediately apologize but by then it's too late and he's on me either hitting me more or sometimes a kick or two. Always under control and doesn't do any real damage because he just wants me to obey and not drive me away.
2. almost as bad as the above, or worse, the silence and ignoring me after that happened. I would plead and apologize for my behavior that made him hit me and say its my fault, but he would stonewall me and only after he decided to forgive me would he talk to me again. He would NEVER EVER apologize. But I thought he loved me and felt bad so I didn't push him.
3. He would flip out over many of my mistakes. If I did something in the wrong order I would get chastised. This involved being berated for 10-40 minutes depending on the situation. We traveled a lot and the stress of traveling would make him always yell at me before we left, while we packed, and for the first 25-50% of our journey. He did mellow out over the years, either that or I just became numb to it. Mistakes included putting things in the wrong order on the supermarket checkout belt. Just an example. He would rigidly control the order I put stuff on the belt, and make a scene if I didn't do it "right" . I would try to do everything right and eventually I became good at asking him how to do everything before I did it, so to avoid his wrath. Flipping out included namecalling, yelling at the top of his lungs, and generally lording over me how stupid and moronic I am for as long as it took to make him feel I got the message.
4. Porn. Not only porn but less sex because he'd rather watch porn. He only comes to bed at 4-5am after staying up all night with the video games, computer porn, and TV and then sometimes will want to have sex when I have to get up for work. So less sex overall and then some sex when he knows I want to rather be sleeping.
5. No help with house, but also junk piles. I knew he didn't clean or cook or do laundry when we met. And he said he would get a job eventually and that didn't happen either. And all that is fine. But he actually made junk piles, and I was not allowed to touch these. He has a chair in the den and it has two end tables, and both tables are piled high with screwdrivers, important papers, junk mail, late fee notices, toenail clippings, DVDS, CDs, magazines, used tissues, remote controls, batteries, lightbulbs, tech gadgets, old garage door openers, you name it. I can't organize or straighten this pile. I found bottles of actual pee. He is over 40 years old. So I dust and vacuum the whole house except for this area of disgustingness. And his desk/corner in the office is the same. The electric gets turned off every few months because he won't put it on auto pay because they rip you off. The grass grows high because its too hot to mow or it just rained.
6. Forgetting and general uncaring. He left me at the bus station because he forgot and fell asleep. He made me take a cab to and from our different hotels because I forgot the passports. Anything that goes wrong I have learned to jump and fix. Because he will give me "the look" and I am the reason it went wrong and I'd better fix it. Ignoring me until I plead for attention or affection, then grudingly giving it.
It's funny others on here have parent child dynamics where the ADHD is the child and the responsible non ADHD is the parent. But in my home the dynamics are reversed. He is the boss, the parent, and I am the child who has to jump to do whatever he wants. Yet having him is like having a child to care for.
It is sad when he doesn't listen, or dismisses my thoughts and words as petty flies to swat away. I thought he had my back in life, but looking at what I have typed above it seems like more of a ball and chain than a life partner. Even if my leaving makes him awake and aware of what is going on, I know that if I went back, after 6 months or 2 years, he would revert back. Because why should he change? Being the boss and intimidating gets him many privileges:
- not having to work for a living
- not having to do work or chores around the house
- not having to be responsible - if anything goes wrong blame the wife
- enjoying doing what he wants all day and night
I understand abusive situations are different than ADHD marriages, but in mine it is all intertwined. The only way to get out is to just leave it all behind and start again.