This community has helped me in the past. Im unsure why im posting today but i just feel like i need to. Im currently separated from my husband. Its been 7/8months and im in limbo. All decisions about the marriage and the future are, in my opinion, being left to me.
The reasons for my separation are lengthy. Over the marriage (which wasnt all bad, there were great times) my husband sexually explicitly messaged another woman for weeks/months, messaged an ex saying about me "i do love her but i wish i had settled down sooner", he smoked pot for 15years, was fired for sexual harassment (sending a porn image to a female co-worker and lots of other stuff), used porn frequently, watched camera girls and partially completed a dating profile (not active). He also hasnt initiated intimacy for 1.5years making me lonely. Throughout the years he has:
1. constantly interrupted me when i speak,
2. blameshifted on minor things (such as i have moved his things, its my fault he is late as i didnt wake him, he smoked pot as i prefer this to alcohol, he changed all passwords so i cant view anything for me etc)
3. Told me im wrong almost daily in really subtle ways, without saying the words you are wrong (no actually its this, constantly has an opposing view, seeking other peoples opinions when ive given a view and then going with them, or simply ignored my view)
4. Downplayed all behaviour as a joke, no intent to hurt me, nothing happened in the real world
We seperated after he was diagnosed. I repeatedly said you havent registered with the doctor, you havent got an appointment, you havent started counselling, you havent gone on medicine. I dont feel i can do marriage counselling until he does the above - ive put loads of effort in and im not met halfway. Im in counselling individually and have been for a year. He said its overwhelming for him to do the above due to his ADHD. I have depression, anxiety due to his behaviour towards me and i still am trying. My friends have said everything that has happened is very abusive. I dont know how i got here.
My point is i feel he isnt trying to fight to save the marriage. He disagrees and said he has made himself available to talk whenever i want. But in 7months thats all he has done. Also in those talking moments, on 5occassions he has shown minimal empathy and used those moments to prove why he is right....however he said he was clarifying his point.
Have any of you experienced this during your separations? Just a total full stop, minimal effort, waiting for you to move things forward one way or another? How did you cope......when was it enough.
This wasnt the way i expected my life to go. Im in such deep grief at the loss of my family unit, and only seeing my kids 50%. Im so chronically lonely and wondering if making the marriage work is better than being alone. Ive not really seen any similar posts regarding betrayal or infidality on this site. Thank you