Separation and Getting Back Together (looking for people's experience)

I'm the wife and my husband has ADHD.  We've been separated for a year and over the last few months I've let go of the anger and have allowed myself to feel compassion for him and love him again thru all the hurt he put me thru.  I was pretty much ending the marriage but I do love him and in one aspect I do NOT want to regret NOT giving him a second chance BUT in the same respect, I do NOT want to have those regrets of giving him a second chance IF he hurts me again.  I do want to mention that he was very verbally and emotionally abusive and life was a rollercoaster.  

I wonder, is he just nice and loving because we've been apart?  Or does he really love me enough to respect me?  Or is it that he just can't see thru the ADHD.  I guess I'm looking for answers that he is an improved person and that he truly recognizes the his actions and behavior.  He does now when we are apart but I wonder IF we were together will that all disappear.

I don't have children so this would be a pretty clean divorce so that's why I'm so torn up over this decision.  I am going to be livid at myself if I end up in the same place as before.  I'm 33, going on 34, I don't have that much time to waste when I would like to start a family.  I'm very responsible and emotionally stable to do so...its really him and his problems that I end up dealing with.  Mind you, he just got arrested a few weeks ago due to an anger/rage issue.  Will stuff like this end or become less?  Those types of problems are so unnecessary.  I want to worry about building a life not going backwards.  Ahhhh, any insight into your experiences would be appreciated.  Thanks so much for the time.

If he was recently arrested

If he was recently arrested for an anger/rage issue then I think there is your answer..he isn't in control of himself. I'm not saying that you should divorce him, but this would SCREAM to me that he isn't in control of his ADHD and that you cannot ignore this obvious red flag. It is very likely (and HIGHLY common) to see a new wave of 'hyperfocus' when separated/fearful of losing their spouses and sadly you really have no way of knowing. However, you do, as I said..have the benefit of his recent arrest to somewhat signify to you that he's not a changed man.

Is he on meds? In treatment? Is there a case to argue, hard work that he's done since you've been separated, that might be more proof that he's not just hyperfocused on what he cannot have (you) and that he'll return to the same old, same old once you let him back into your life?

My only experience with separation is that I asked him to leave in Sept of 09 due to some really bad behavior such as drinking and staying out with his friends all the time..if I was home, he would leave. Long story short, he had started an affair (thus the horrible behavior), and when I found out in Dec 09 I agreed to let him come back home because I saw REAL remorse. However, it has not been easy and his ADHD is still completely untreated and (appears) out of control a lot of the time. There have been many times when I am overwhelmed with fear that I've made a huge mistake because for the most part he denies that his ADHD is an issue. He wasn't diagnosed until 6 months after we reconciled. He tried meds...they were a disaster. We tried counseling..but it eventually went right back to 'he said, she said' and 'the blame game' and I grew extremely weary of paying $50 a session to have the same arguments with him that we can have at home for free. My reality is that although we aren't fighting, he isn't being 'mean' and 'verbally abusive', I know that his ADHD is not treated and I know that as long as it remains untreated, he will always be unpredictable. He doesn't feel it is an issue...and/or feels I should just love him and accept him 'as he is'...but we all know it isn't that easy. No matter how much I love him I cannot 'accept' things that are just too hurtful. I have made a personal decision for myself that if I ever am pushed to the point where I can no longer live with him, I will have no more second chances. The time comes when we have to face the reality that if we cannot live together and find peace and friendship then we simply need to just not live together. I would follow my gut if I were you. You're posting here because you're unsure. It's your life...and some of the best years of your life. Life is very, very short. ((HUGS))

Thank you for the responses

He is not on meds and I know he isn't a different person. If I were in his company his hatred, anger, depression will all turn on me.  I know this and sometimes I don't want to except it because I feel like its not fair.  Everyday he mentions he needs to seek help and get on meds but he gets in his own way and it ends up being another day...untreated. I want my life back but what is a life when 90% of the time it was chaos. Thank you both for your response and I will continue to take things day by day and see where life takes me whether its with or without him.

just separated

i have just asked my undiagnosed partner of 2 years to leave... he literally just finished packing his stuff 2 hours ago.  i am 34 years old and have been thinking that we were working towards building a family - we had talked about marriage and children many times and i thought that was the direction we were heading in.  until i discovered on my business computer that he has been on numerous porn sites, live chat, and sites featuring women sleeping with their step children, women getting choked, and young teenage girls.  i'm horrified from a moral and ethical standpoint, but also that i've been living with this and had no idea!  not only that, but i've been trying really hard at his request to have more "creative" sex! now i know why and i feel like a fool. 

he is remorseful - he says he's sorry, he said it's too little too late... but oddly, through todays ordeal of packing all of his things, he's been more interested in making sure he gets every last little thing that's his including scraps of wood than he is showing me that he cares that this is happening... he defended his use of porn trying to say that he didn't look at those things even though i saw them all in the history of my computer! he didn't even know enough to try and cover his tracks and this has been going on for the entire time we've been together.

all i know for certain right now is this... i am an accomplished, intelligent woman who has her shit together. i own my house - the one he has lived in.  i own a business. i am a college professor, an artist and a musician.  i deserve someone who will love me and care for me and treat me respectfully.  loving someone shouldn't be this hard!  my favorite words are balance, harmony, empathy and kindness.  none of these things have existed in our partnership in two years, and this is not something that will change even in a year - he has too much to learn about himself and too many things to change that ARE NOT MINE.  i have helped as much as i can, and still he has done nothing with the resources i have helped him find.  i do not believe that being away from me will do anything other than make him sad and remorseful for a while, until he rationalizes that he was right to act the way he was because i tried to control him or something of the sort.  mental illness can only be addressed by the person who has it and no amount of loving someone or trying to show them the way will change it because first a person needs to want to change themselves. 

i'm not going to try to say what you should do, but i know for myself i deserve better.  even good people have their really shitty sides... this is not something i'm willing to put myself through again - especially after reading the posts of women who have done this for YEARS and the only words i hear coming from them are "exhaustion, at wits end, worn out, nothing left, no energy, no hope, fearful" I REFUSE TO SIGN ON LIFELONG FOR THAT.  i must believe that there is someone out there who will operate with the same level of integrity and positivity that i used to be able to maintain... and who also wants a family and if not well - maybe i'll have a family by myself! 

all the best to you in your decision - i personally intend to do my very best to stay strong in mine.  sending love and hugs....