Separation/Divorce seems like the best answer at this point

After 13 years of fighting, I just don't know how much fight I have left in me.

This morning I was getting DS off to school while DH was out shoveling the driveway.  He comes in and DS was on the couch being his usual ornery self like he is every morning.  DH says "oh, you're not going to school today?"  WTF?!?!?!!?!?  So that puts the idea in DS's head.  Gee, thanks. 

Then I get yelled at because the TV is on.  We have a "no tv before school" rule.  But it wasn't Disney channel--it was the news!  I had been up with the baby for an hour before this, so I needed something on to get me going.  DS was not watching the news.

Then we had an argument about the stupid Cub Scout pancake breakfast tomorrow.  Cub Scouts is a hyperfocus thing for DH--he is our son's Den Leader--and I am quite ambivalent about it all.  I have enough on my plate--I don't need more added for me.  That apparently means I don't care about our son. 

I'm so sick of him stepping on my parenting and getting in the middle of things all the time.  His mood is so volatile and his parenting so inconsistent. 

I just don't see any hope anymore.  He is in therapy and is probably starting meds soon, but I don't know how much more I can take.

There are other things that have happened, too, but I'm just too tired to write them out.  *sigh*  I wish I had a friend to talk to, but this is too difficult.  I don't see my therapist until Wednesday.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.  Yeah right.

mommachef re: too difficult

Yes. The Inconsistent Parenting Song.  This one is a "hit" at my house.  

Don't help with homework; be sure to b*tch about the kid's grades (6 A's, 3 B's).  "Why not all A's?" he says.

I am sure that response is used as an example of how NOT to parent- in every parenting book ever written since early in the 20th century.

I am with ya...

Same song and dance at our house... ALL the time... except my husband is the step dad to the older boys and he is constantly on top of them "AFTER" I had already settled what ever parenting issue we had... it's almost as if throwing in his "two cents" is going to some how make things better or perfect... but all it does is start "part two" and hands down I am left holding the bag and calming things down again...

I know you didn't want another "sad story" to be put on your plate... but all I can say for me is I try to remember it is part of his disease and not who he really is... probably not helpful I know (its not to me all the time either) but since I do love him... I work on looking at the glass 1/2 full

Good luck

wustygirl re: I am with ya...

Yes, but how do you handle things?  I find that my husband can be SO inconsistent and SO capricious that I have to actually arm my children against it.  I am afraid that my eldest daughter will end up with self-esteem problems based on his unrealistic expectations of her.

My oldest daughter is truly a dream of a child.  Sweet-tempered, helpful, well-mannered, smart, moral, honest, talented, funny, diplomatic, self-directed (mostly), even physically beautiful.  And a wonderful big sister to the other two children.  The kind you can really look up to; actually, she is almost EXACTLY like my mother, LOL!. She almost NEVER does anything wrong- but my husband expects perfection.   So if he tells her "No" to something, and she looks a little sad about it (no back talk, mind you; just looks sad and goes on about her business), he is ON HER just for LOOKING dissatisfied.  ARGH! It really burns me up, and I find that I am always intervening.   Then he accuses me of not "supporting" his parenting.  I want to support it, but its crappy- so I can't. *sigh*

waynebloss's picture

Re;Same Page

That is the only aspect right now that my wife are on the same page, the kids. When it comes to the kids we are untied, we each help with HW, school projects and anything else that needs to done.  I told my wife that they will be impacted as little as possible during our struggles and she agreed.  So that aspect we are good, now need to work on the others!! 

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Wayne . . . .

I'm just thinking you meant united - and not untied?

waynebloss's picture

Re: Fat Fingers

I am an IT geek and a nurse but God gave me fat fingers and a lack of passion for spelling correctly! 

Don't know about you, but I

Don't know about you, but I feel untied more often than I feel united. LOL

Parenting was a huge issue for us with my SD...but I think his guilt stood in the way of him seeing a lot of what everyone else saw. With our daughter we are united for the most part...but she is more and more like him everyday. He saw her get really upset with me today, because she felt like I was attacking her over something not even worth being upset over. She made a huge deal of it when I was mostly just kidding with her...but she immediately got defensive and stormed off. He said 'she is just like me, she thought you were attacking her'. I think it was somewhat of an eye opener to him because he knew I wasn't attacking her...but he has similar reactions sometimes.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Mommachef, I encourage you to stick to your Parenting Guns

One thing I will not regret is sticking to the wisdom I searched and found for raising our 2 children.

My husband and I were both raised in a difficult home situation.  His parents did not get along - but stayed married because that's what good Catholics do.  My Dad was an alcoholic and my Mom was depressed - 8 kids, no money to pay the bills because the money was spent on booze for himself and his drinking buddies. 

I was determined to be a good Mommy.  I read as many parenting books as I could find.  My children are now 19 and 21 - so my best help was found from Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Terry Brazelton, and Penelope Leach.  I took what worked for me, and left the rest.

I constantly argued my husband on parenting styles.  My goal was 'the end result'.  Even though he agreed he was not raised in a healthy manner, he still would come back with "That's not what my parents did."  And I would remind him - yet again, that : "Yes, beating your children into submission certainly gets them to sit quiet in church AT THE MOMENT - but the end result is not-so- good."   

Funny thing, my husband is till fighting me tooth and nail. 

I am sitting here, typing away, drinking a cup of coffee, and considering myself lucky to have found this forum.

Yes, you do have cyber-friends here who understand, and can feel your pain.