Hello. This is my first time posting though I have been reading for a while. I have been engaged to a diagnosed ADHD man for 18 months and we are just under two months from the wedding date. We have been together for a total of 6 years and have lived together for the last year.
We had a fantastic relationship for the first 4.5 years or so. We had fun together, we talked about everything, we had similar interests but outside ones as well. I have a new job in a city about an hour and a half away from the areas we had lived before (separately), I bought a house in my name and he has been living with me.
Now the problems: In the past year, things have been BAD. He constantly critisizes me. Sometimes in a big long discussions where everything turns out to be my fault (really?). How I don't help him and and am not meeting his emotional needs. How I don't support him. How I keep changing my mind. How I complain to him about money and that is all I think about. How I don't want to have fun anymore and I just want to live like a 60 year old couple instead of mid twenties. I always end up crying, and then he says I am just trying to make him feel guilty.
I am overwhelmed. This new house has many new responsibilities that I have never dealt with before. I ask for help, but he isn't listening. I would LOVE to have fun, but he is constantly running off with friends to go kayaking and the to do list just keeps piling up. He wants intimacy and conversation but I don't have any energy of sympathy for either right now. He was motivated to work before, but since I have a better job now he is staying home all the time, and being fine with calling off work. He hasn't contributed to any household bills or paid any rent in the year we have lived here and I am frequently paying his truck payment and cigarrettes as well. I have been neglectful of him. I get very caught up in the tasks that I complete each day (most of which are for him) but I forget that he himself actually needs my attention too. I enable this behavior in him I know and I am a poor communicator of my needs in the last year or two as I feel that he could blow up at any minute. (Have I mentioned the ADHD anger?).
Here's the final thing that might be the nail in this coffin. He has a very close "friendship" with another one of his friends girlfriends. He lived with his friend for a couple months while we were closing on the house and he and this other woman got close. His friend lived with his girlfriend and their baby.They are very similar and share interests. He has admitted to me in the last month that he is attracted to her and she to him, but they have talked about it and decided they wanted to stay with their current SOs. Despite this, they are on Snapchat constantly, and call on the phone for hours (while away from me and her boyfriend. I have always read the phone bills religiously due to trumped up charges in the past). He has always been a night owl but now waits for me to go to bed and then calls her or she calls him at 11:30 or midnight for an hour(!) almost every night. He runs off to spend the night at his friends house every chance he can it seems like. His friend though, is working out of state right now, so it is my fiance, the girl and her baby alone. We hang out with his friend and the girlfriend almost EVERY weekend. Between them and family, we literally have not had a DAY alone for months. I have continually asked if we could do something just to two of us to start reconnecting. It is like I shot his dog. He would rather hang out with his friends (with me though too). Do I think he has PHYSICALLY cheated on me? No. Is this an EMOTIONAL affair though? Yes.
I feel like I am failing. I have enabled this behavior and stopped treating him like a man, more like just another task. I have stopped trying to communicate with him ( with the exception of the past few weeks). I am NOT blameless. I have never been that interested in sex, but he always had a high drive. I try, but I am so exhausted emotionally and physically at the end of the day that even though we do have sex, I am not as enthusiastic as he feels I should be at the end of the day.
I am seriously considering breaking this off or at least postponing the wedding. Please give any advise. Will this get better with conseling and conversation? Are emotional affairs commen for ADHD? I LOVE him. But I am unsure about spending my life with him anymore.