Seventeen Years Now

Dr. Ratey diagnosed my husband 17 years ago, back before many people even knew what ADHD was.  17 years later, we have bought, renovated and sold, four homes, and therefore have moved that many times. My husband left 2 lucrative jobs, opened and closed 2 of his own businesses, and has worked at a commission based job for about 2 years now (translation: no salary). Financially we are a mess.  Currently I work about 50 hours a week to keep up with bills and keep food on the table. I'm tired all the time and my relationship with my children feels not as close as it once was.  I came on this site several months ago looking for an answer, to find out what couples faced with the challenges of ADHD do to make a marriage work. I see many of you with just recent the past several years, and you are all asking the same question I am after almost twenty.  This past Spring I asked my husband to get some help, to learn more about his ADHD, I encouraged him to check out this website, get on-line, read some books, find a coach, go to counseling. I asked him to find out what he could to better balance his life. I don't need to get into the day to day specifics of what it's like to live with an ADHD spouse/ all know. My trash piles up for 2 to 3 months before he makes it to the dump, my house is full of unfinished projects, he's late for everything, and I remain last on his endless and ever-changing To Do list. (He never gets to me). His only solution since the early 90's has been to take a pill.  Over the summer we fought a lot. He couldn't understand why I was so angry, but my argument was the same from our conversation in the Spring...I needed him to get help. His solution was to re-do the dining room. In September when the kids went back to school, things hadn't changed between us. When he again wanted to know why I was so upset, I went over the same conversation ... the possible coaching, counseling, ANYTHING he could do to manage his own life better. This time he decided to build a shed. The last few weeks I've been talking about divorce.  I'm so sad about it, but like that wife in Driven to Distraction...I don't care. I want a life too. This past week he finally confronted things and understood that I was serious about divorce.  He said that he was going to work on getting his life together.  I felt a glimmer of hope, until I realized his idea of "working on getting his life together" was to change jobs.  I'm at a point where I am not even angry anymore. I'm very sad for this man. He is a kind and gentle soul, he is extremely intelligent, and he's a great dad, but he seems not to be able to function.  I've put myself into counseling to help me through this. And I've come to the conclusion that ADHD-ers have similar qualities to addicts, in that if they don't want to get the help they need, there is nothing you can really do for them.  I've carried him and covered for him all these years, like an enabler, but now my focus is on myself and my two children, one of whom has ADHD too.  I also know there are varying degrees of ADHD and that he is probably at the very high impairment end.  I don't think many people out there are aware just how devastating ADHD can be to a person and those around them.  I think a lot of people are under the impression that it's just a little focusing problem.  Personally, I don't even think Dr. Phil got the seriousness of it right.  Although I feel like I'm on a path to divorce, I'm still open to any suggestions. Is there anyone whose spouse also had a diagosis many years ago?  Is there a way to cope? Did I miss something? And if not, how do you deal with letting go of someone you know is going to have great difficulty fending for himself?