I have this serious problem and tonight finally was the last straw that brought me here. I discovered your website and have been reading it all over the place, of which I may be all over the place with this post, but will try to get it all in.
I am a 45 yr old adult male, I spent my whole childhood years being sexually molested by my dad and some of his friends, including some of my school friends because I was so naive and innocent. My mom knew it yet did nothing about it. I'm not sure about my sisters, we don't talk, we hate each other except my one sister in California, we stay in touch because we are distant and have fought in our lives to stay above water while the other 2 siblings failed hard.
I finally left home when I was 17 and hit the world on my own. All my life I have been chronic masturbator, I cannot get enough of it. Even with women in my life, I would treat them good sexually in bed, but shy away from opening up my feelings, I don't like people touching me or in my face so to speak.
I can only think that I had about 4 girlfriends in my life, all loved me, but never married, just could not understand my problems...neither did I for that matter. I had few friends, was submissive, but yet at 22 i owned my own home, had a great job, 3 vehicles, pets, and enjoyed life responsibly?! I feel great when I am all alone doing something I like, I love to drive big rigs on the open highway
I have severe ADHD, daydream all the time, have threatening thoughts towards certain people, never play by the rules at all! I rarely drink, don't smoke, work hard 14hrs a day. It's life I'm told. (I'm re-reading this to try and stay on track) come home, eat and go to bed. Intimacy with my wife is seldom.
Yes I'm married, got married 11yrs ago, have 3 boys, 3,6, & 9. The 3yr old is my nephew, we adopted to get him away from his mother (my sister) who is shacking up with level 3 (the worst) sex offenders and having kids to get on welfare etc... The wife and I went to therapy, before we got married to see if we should get married; and for 2yrs straight while married, with little result. I just behave for a short time then fall right back into a rut. Sex back then was sporadic, mostly because I was surfing porn, chatting on the pc and masturbating everyday, I fantasized about the neighborhood women and girls and that gave me the rush to get off, then after I did I felt so ashamed. Then even though I was attracted to my wife, I did not want to have sex with her. there were times where neither of us seemed interested, I must also mention all the trouble we had conceiving kids, sex sucked ! So I thought to myself then and a few recent times, maybe if I just go to guys it would not be cheating, find a gay or bisexual man that seeks no reciprocation, solely for the reason for him to give me oral sex and then I leave and go on my way. Every time that is how it has been. I'm trying to sort of find a way to not go see women for it would be cheating against my wife. I did see a former old classmates (women) and former girlfriends while married, 2 of which I had sex with and sometimes often. the sex was incredible and I felt so relaxed and relieved, but yet felt it was wrong and at the same time I enjoyed taking advantage of a sort of stranger for the purpose of achieving orgasm.
Then of course the multiple email address', different chat names, just anything to pretend all was good here at home (even though it was work and eat and sleep and back to work) and then go back after awhile to texting, and email, and chat..
I love my boys like there is no tomorrow, I will do anything for them, my wife & I tonight pretty much decided that she will move back to the NE and leave me here alone. We are renting our home there, and renting a home here. Another twist of my fate. I came here to the SW to rearrange my life with the help of an old friend, packed up and moved here, then the wife packed up on her own and sent everything here, and arrived shortly there after. I'm the only one with a job, which I love, but the younger boss I have has a chip on his shoulder and he needs a beating... the kids are in school, we are renting a piece of crap house and going broke fast, contemplating bankruptcy ... So now all our "stuff" is here, we are falling apart, and i am on my last string of hope. I'm thinking of giving up, turning myself into a hospital. I did set up an appointment with a physiatrist but cant see me until Feb. 22nd. I am taking 100mg of Pristique in the am and 100mg or Trazedone to sleep. I have no Dr.s here, we have only been living here since July 2010
I don't know where to turn or what to do. I have little emotion about anything, never had, probably never will. I'm sitting here typing this while my 6yr old sitting next to me keeping me company watching "Toy Story"... I'm getting tired and am going to go to bed.