I have this serious problem and tonight finally was the last straw that brought me here. I discovered your website and have been reading it all over the place, of which I may be all over the place with this post, but will try to get it all in.
I am a 45 yr old adult male, I spent my whole childhood years being sexually molested by my dad and some of his friends, including some of my school friends because I was so naive and innocent. My mom knew it yet did nothing about it. I'm not sure about my sisters, we don't talk, we hate each other except my one sister in California, we stay in touch because we are distant and have fought in our lives to stay above water while the other 2 siblings failed hard.
I finally left home when I was 17 and hit the world on my own. All my life I have been chronic masturbator, I cannot get enough of it. Even with women in my life, I would treat them good sexually in bed, but shy away from opening up my feelings, I don't like people touching me or in my face so to speak.
I can only think that I had about 4 girlfriends in my life, all loved me, but never married, just could not understand my problems...neither did I for that matter. I had few friends, was submissive, but yet at 22 i owned my own home, had a great job, 3 vehicles, pets, and enjoyed life responsibly?! I feel great when I am all alone doing something I like, I love to drive big rigs on the open highway
I have severe ADHD, daydream all the time, have threatening thoughts towards certain people, never play by the rules at all! I rarely drink, don't smoke, work hard 14hrs a day. It's life I'm told. (I'm re-reading this to try and stay on track) come home, eat and go to bed. Intimacy with my wife is seldom.
Yes I'm married, got married 11yrs ago, have 3 boys, 3,6, & 9. The 3yr old is my nephew, we adopted to get him away from his mother (my sister) who is shacking up with level 3 (the worst) sex offenders and having kids to get on welfare etc... The wife and I went to therapy, before we got married to see if we should get married; and for 2yrs straight while married, with little result. I just behave for a short time then fall right back into a rut. Sex back then was sporadic, mostly because I was surfing porn, chatting on the pc and masturbating everyday, I fantasized about the neighborhood women and girls and that gave me the rush to get off, then after I did I felt so ashamed. Then even though I was attracted to my wife, I did not want to have sex with her. there were times where neither of us seemed interested, I must also mention all the trouble we had conceiving kids, sex sucked ! So I thought to myself then and a few recent times, maybe if I just go to guys it would not be cheating, find a gay or bisexual man that seeks no reciprocation, solely for the reason for him to give me oral sex and then I leave and go on my way. Every time that is how it has been. I'm trying to sort of find a way to not go see women for it would be cheating against my wife. I did see a former old classmates (women) and former girlfriends while married, 2 of which I had sex with and sometimes often. the sex was incredible and I felt so relaxed and relieved, but yet felt it was wrong and at the same time I enjoyed taking advantage of a sort of stranger for the purpose of achieving orgasm.
Then of course the multiple email address', different chat names, just anything to pretend all was good here at home (even though it was work and eat and sleep and back to work) and then go back after awhile to texting, and email, and chat..
I love my boys like there is no tomorrow, I will do anything for them, my wife & I tonight pretty much decided that she will move back to the NE and leave me here alone. We are renting our home there, and renting a home here. Another twist of my fate. I came here to the SW to rearrange my life with the help of an old friend, packed up and moved here, then the wife packed up on her own and sent everything here, and arrived shortly there after. I'm the only one with a job, which I love, but the younger boss I have has a chip on his shoulder and he needs a beating... the kids are in school, we are renting a piece of crap house and going broke fast, contemplating bankruptcy ... So now all our "stuff" is here, we are falling apart, and i am on my last string of hope. I'm thinking of giving up, turning myself into a hospital. I did set up an appointment with a physiatrist but cant see me until Feb. 22nd. I am taking 100mg of Pristique in the am and 100mg or Trazedone to sleep. I have no Dr.s here, we have only been living here since July 2010
I don't know where to turn or what to do. I have little emotion about anything, never had, probably never will. I'm sitting here typing this while my 6yr old sitting next to me keeping me company watching "Toy Story"... I'm getting tired and am going to go to bed.
update ?
Submitted by Overwhelmed45 on
So after reading my wives comment/post on this website, once again I am pushed into the dumpster and feel like I'm not making any positive push for the good.
I spent the whole day today, my day off, getting help and working toward a goal. Chiro in the morning, off to work to talk on getting into a new higher paying position because we are going bankrupt, then post office, dmv for work, then lunch and a dr. visit with a new psychiatrist to help me with my med management, and his help to find me a therapist to work on my "issues"....a short trip to CVS for my new meds and home.
My headaches subsided, I have a new Dr, and soon a new therapist to confer to the real issues, I'm feeling uplifted
Only to get home and get belted with more distraught conversation and the wife totally losing it. I was not expecting her to sing praise to me for my effort, but after reading her posts and seeing how those who replied instructed her to haul ass away, makes me wonder just whom is replying to these posts and what their lives are about, this site jumped the shark for me, unless someone can change my mind.
She is right, She has gone over the limit and taken so much, we have been married 11 hard years. Gone through lives, deaths, ups and downs, physical and mental problems, accidents and incidents... I'm sorry but what part of that is not part of marriage ? And I'm aware this is a loaded question.
When we sat at the table tonight, we had a better conversation about sexual issues than ever before?! As usual I don't know how to say the right words and explain myself properly, but she reads me and understands what point I am trying to make.
This is going somewhere for sure, she is my wife, I love her, and I will do anything to make right what wrong I did. get the help from a professional I need and live my life with my family. We may be far from where we came from, but we are together as a family and working on "something"...
Everyone likes to read, lets see whom replies
It took me a minute to put
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It took me a minute to put the two stories together, but now that I have...
I will be honest with you...because I don't believe in being any other way...and since that sometimes comes hard for some, please forgive me ahead of time...
First, I am sorry for what you have been through...no one should ever be subject to that kind of vile behavior.
Second, you ARE cheating when you let another man give you oral sex. Stop being in denial about something that is blatantly obvious that it IS being unfaithful and far worse it is EXTREMELY hurtful to your wife. Man or woman, physical or not, your behaviors are devastating your wife and destroying your marriage.
I'm not sure if you're posting to 'rationalize' your behaviors, but the bottom line is that you need to get VERY VERY serious about getting help and you need to clean your life up and start behaving in a way that is what your marriage needs and not what YOU need. I hope you are ready to pour your heart and soul into the therapy. Will you be seeing the psychiatrist frequently? Once a week? You've learned a lot of destructive ways of coping with your pain and problems....and the time has come for you to learn new ones, no excuses.
I did read your wife's story and my heart and gut told me that she needs to put some space between you...because if I remember correctly you didn't have an appt until the end of February. That, to me, didn't seem like you were taking things seriously. I am 100% supportive of anyone who is dead serious about getting the help they need and about ACKNOWLEDGING they need help. I know in my marriage, counseling was a MUST and it would be an instant deal breaker for me if he quit going or wasn't being honest about our issues and his part in them. If you can give your wife this, see the doctor frequently enough to get a good diagnosis and start making some serious progress, then I would say that she could possibly have some hope.
Bottom line, you've got a lot of hard work ahead of you. You've got to dig deep and find the courage to face your demons, be honest with yourself and your wife and your psychiatrist, and put an IMMEDIATE end to the horrible, destructive behaviors. I do not think your wife should EVER accept ANY contact with ANYONE outside of your marriage again. If you cannot promise her that, then maybe you should love her enough to let her go.
I do wish you and your wife the best of luck...the decision is ultimately hers and the truth of the matter is, your behavior and the way you proceed will determine the fate of your marriage..not us.
Sherri
Thank You Sherri I'll open
Submitted by Overwhelmed45 on
Thank You Sherri
I'll open up, even online, to prove I'm serious about getting the "right" help. Why my Dr.'s back home never pushed me to get serious and receive professional therapy other than a "new med" is beyond me, dealing with ADHD and depression I dont know what to say or ask them?! they are the ones with the PHD ! Yesterday I got the call to go see a Dr. instead of waiting until Feb 22nd, trust me, I was emailing and calling every Dr. on the list from my Ins company, here in SW Missouri, it seems ALOT of people are in therapy and the appointments are truly pushed that far out ! All you can do is call every am to see if there was a cancellation. I got lucky, the one Dr. I filled out paperwork to had a cancellation due to the inclement weather, and I jumped right on it.
I sat and talked to him and for over 1hr, we came up with another med change and a referral for a physcotherapist. I will be calling him shortly to set up an appt.! When I finished for the day, (I was gone for 10hrs) I felt like I accomplished something.
Only to sit around the dinner table getting slammed yet once again for "opening up"
the fact of me having to think receiving oral from a strange man would not be cheating is somewhat true, deeper inside having spent the "majority" of my childhood receiving oral from my father and more, to me it is simply a way to get off. I get stimulated get off and go. I can agree it is wrong, and dangerous and I need help with it. I brought it up in the past to her and she would say "you need to drop the past and get over it", Sorry Charlie, it's a bit deeper than that.
One major flaw in our marriage is the severe lack of communication, and it usually ends up in confrontation because "she built up" the anger or just could not take the issues anymore. She shuts down and keeps it to herself. Thats a good way to live....
i'm not trying to rationalize, I speak in generalization, i try to say what I mean as best as I can, I'm not college educated nor do I read books. she is the one with the Masters degree and a million books piled up collecting dust.
Hope this clarifies
You don't have to have a PhD
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You don't have to have a PhD to be a good husband.
ADHD causes MANY issues related to communication. I would venture to guess that this is about the top problem in most ADHD marriages...it certainly is in my marriage. Unless I am reading you wrong, you're seeming to feel that this is somehow mostly your wife's fault...and I urge you to reconsider that opinion and read about all of the problems these marriage have with communication...due to the ADHD. My husband takes MANY MANY things wrong that I say....and he also has difficulty expressing what he's feeling, and gets angry when I don't understand. This is a vital part of counseling and your wife will eventually have to join you in counseling in order to start learning how to communicate effectively. I can say something during counseling and my husband will get furious with me...our counselor will say "no, what I hear her saying is..." and she'll explain it, and BAM, he gets it. Not only am I having to learn different ways to express what I'm feeling, he's having to learn to not take everything I say as an automatic 'negative'. I've also been conditioned by the issues in our marriage to assume that everything that isn't clearly 'positive' as a negative. These things aren't happening for no reason. Your wife isn't the enemy, she's merely doing the best she can with what she's been living with. When you say she 'built up' the anger....are you suggesting that she never discusses anything with you, tries to talk to you and tell you what she's feeling, until it has built up for weeks or months? Do you acknowledge that she has reason to be angry at you?
Yes, you are right that your issues go deeper than just 'forgetting the past'..but again, I cannot say for sure, but I would bet that you're maybe not understanding what she's trying to say. I struggle to find the right words to help my husband through any given crisis or problem and it always ends up blowing up in my face because he thinks that I'm blowing him off or not taking his seriously when honestly, I just don't know what to say and nothing usually helps. It is NOT within your wife's ability to understand OR help you with the childhood issues...I hope you understand that....and don't hold it against her when you feel like she isn't taking it seriously enough. Let the pros help you with this issue, and I'm sure if your wife knows you're getting some serious help with this issue, then she'll be able to have more sympathy. We non-ADHDers can become overwhelmed with the reality of all of the issues our spouses face and the hard work it will take to fix them..and the fear that you guys don't have it in you to stick it out and DO IT. Your first step in healing your marriage is to PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES.
As for the doctors...you need to go in and sit down and be honest...not just "I'm depressed" but "My issues are XX, YY, and ZZ. I need to know why I do this, I need to learn to quit doing this, and I need your help" I often find that my husband wants to 'skim' over the hard issues, the real issues that brought us to counseling in the first place, and just focus on the here and now..and that doesn't work. Get to the root of your issues..if you don't feel like the therapist is helping, find another...but keep the therapy consistent and don't waste your time going to one that doesn't work. The majority of the hard work is yours though.
Define "opening up"...what you feel you did that was 'good' and why you felt 'slammed' by her response.