Sex,ADD and communication.

My husband is a very "highly sexual person"he has to have sex at least 3 to 5 times a day,sometimes I am very up there in the sex mood as well, I have no problem with my sex drive, but, he tends to want to do this tooooo often and sometimes the only break I would get is if we had a big fight and I am home "by my house".I have noticed also that the only time we could communicate better is after sex, and that makes me wonder why??? the only time he listens to me and would hear me out is right after sex.He would agree with "everything"I have to say concerning his ADHD the getting treated to his anger issues,EVERYTHING, and he would be so sweet and supportive(right after sex).Maybe it is a release/relief at the time and all things bad seem good at that time ,,,I really don't know????

anyone else has experienced this type of behavior, please share.

lovehurts.

oxytocin

Sex causes men to release oxytocin-the same hormone that women release when nursing. It is a bonding hormone. There is a science to it! They feel more loving and loved after sex. Too bad the effects don't last longer. I know it must be overkill for you, but I'd love for my husband to have that issue;).

I see what you are saying...

It all sounds good, but I speak from personal experience, you start to feel "used" and a bit like a whore after awhile.   The sex can be great, beautiful, wild, fabulous, but if that is the only way to get them to talk to you, to bond with you, to listen to you and agree with you, trust me, you don't want that issue either.  It hurts more then, when they forget, or don't hold up the end of the bargain they agreed to post sexual relations.

Understood

Yeah, I understand what you mean.  Women need more than that to feel connected.  Our short-term memory issues don't help, when something is agreed to and the ADHD partner doesn't follow-through.  For me, though, it is part of feeling connected.  The few times we have had sex lately, I have been feeling kind of used in the sense he puts in no effort for me, if you know what I mean.  This has been going on for a while.  I think he feels enough burden in our ADHD relationship, so he feels that is one arena (a rarely visited arena, albeit) where it's all about him.  I read these posts about men with ADHD who don't lift a finger (NOT the case with YYZ, by the way...that sex issue seems beyond his control from everything I gather), and I DO NOT GET IT.  I cook, I do laundry, I drop off and pick up our children, I take care of most health matters, go to the pharmacy, organize their artwork, am constantly going to Goodwill with clothes and toys our kids have outgrown, I clean (I am a clutter bug, but I'm working on it), and I could go on and on, and yet I'm ALWAYS in the doghouse.  I bet most of the wives out here would appreciate that half of that.  Guess the rules are different when you're a woman.  WTF!!!

 

I can confirm the science...

I cannot tell you what a connection I feel when my DW and I have a good evening. I can also tell you that just her putting her arm on me or curling her foot with mine causes a connection as well. I don't expect sex every night, some nights a little cuddle connection is just fine. Without the physical contact I feel utterly disconnected. We can talk, have good days, sit together, but it seems by the time we get to bed more often than I'd like to admit, my DW is too tired or can't relax and the evenings rarely have anything more than sleep. This issue has been discussed many times over the years and just does not ever seem to improve. I know she worries about this, so I don't try to push her, but it a disconnect that really sucks... 

Guess it's men in general

My husband is the same exact way. We can be together 24 hours.  Laugh, talk,  joke, really bond (or so I feel), but if there isn't an element of sexuality involved, it seems it wasn't as special, or important, or as memorable as it was for me.

Maybe you need to do things around the home that will give her the time she needs to have time for that "cuddle connection"/intimacy.  If she's folding laundry, don't wait for her to finish and come to you...help her finish.  Tidy the pillows on the sofa, run a vacuum.  Maybe those things might give her more time for whatt you seem to have in mind ;) (just a thought)

Thanks too all,and too YYZ

Thanks too all of you for sharing this with me,I am very thrilled that we have the sex connection.,but as one person post says;you feel used after a while,and he would ONLY understand me right after sex and listen to my needs.We have a great connection with the sex part,but,according to another it never last,only for a while.

I want to add to YYZ,I have been reading your post for some time and since the subject here is on sex, I would like to ask:have you consider trying to find out as to why your wife is NOT sexually active,did you consider getting her help for that,maybe there is a underlying problem,and besides all that I understand that maybe she needs you more than just the sex thing,but,sex is sooo important in a relationship,it connects the spouse's better,I mean it's not everything, but it is very important,I don't know what is the real cause for her to be this way but maybe it's best she gets help.

lovehurts.

 

Why(s)

I don't believe my DW is punishing me, unless there has been a spat that day... She has had counseling off and on, but not in a few years, and I've suggested we have some couples therapy. My DW admits she needs to get some fresh sessions from her psychologist. My DW's biggest issue is feeling like she is overwhelmed with work and family matters. She just does not feel like she can give herself a break (and me) if things are not in order. Her anti-depressants hinder her drive as well, but she needs them or relaxing is even more difficult. Like my ADD, I cannot fix this for her and I know she worries about this issue and wants it to improve, like I'm trying to improve my ADD symptoms. I don't have cRaZy expectations for the bedroom, but I don't think a couple of times a week is too much to shoot for. I know there will be weeks where it does not happen and hopefully weeks where it happens more, but I really need the averages to improve.

YYZ,I understand.

YYZ,I understand clearly what you are trying to say,it's the balance you are looking for and it is not there.Like my hubby,beside's our great bonding in the bedroom, I have been having a lot of problems with his anger issues"ALL THE TIME",he just has no middle,it's either over sweet or over angry.One week he would be good and then a few days he would be bad.And that is interfering with the intimacy between us and we don't have it as regular as it sounds,but once we are together and things are all fine and hanky dory,we would never get enough of each other.

Almost the same thing but different.It really is difficult with him,it's either tooo much or very little or none for that matter,either which way I am overwhelmed by it all...there is never a stable month with happiness,love and peace,only bits and pieces of all the bad and the good.

This is truly affecting me, and the thing is I love him, and really is about to settle for things like this for now until he decides to make improvement, with a little push from me,and god alone knows how long that will be.

Trying not to give up.It's frustrating.

lovehurts.

Very Personally Understand!

Hey YYZ, I want to comment on your post without sounding too hopeless for your sake, but I thought I might at least add some insight for you to consider! :-) I am a young woman who does not have ADHD, but I have severe depression and my DH has the ADHD. I have been struggling with depression since childhood and have really gotten a good handle on it, as far as living a relatively happy life with my family and loved ones. BUT I have to tell you that the sex numbers WILL NOT be improving at my house for this reason. Sex hormones are NILL for a person who is chronically depressed and then you add anti-depressant drugs and they go even lower. This is VERY common, and I know that it is very personally challenging for me and my marriage! It is soooooo difficult! I know that we only average twice a month (I don't keep track, but my poor husband does LOL). He says he'd like to 3 times a week. Now, I know numbers aren't important, but it's just a conversation point. That's the AVERAGE he'd like, that's the AVERAGE we have NOT got :(

Many many many couples I've talked to have the same problems. It may be that I am making you sad or more down and out about the issue. But there is just NO WAY that this will be changing any time soon. Physically just can't be done. With the fatigue, sexual dysfunction, unresponsiveness, and problems with enjoyment, it would just be too much for me to try to achieve that type of performance.

HOWEVER, I want to encourage you too. I don't know about your sweet wife, but I am a very committed loyal person and I want to HELP him with his desires as much as possible, if I see the relationship is worth it! So we talked about it and I do "other things" in place of sex, several times a week. Heck I'd even do it every day if it is mutual (meaning I see him giving to me just as much in other areas too, like talking, helping with the kids, learning to relate more purposefully etc.)!!! So just be vulnerable about your needs, and if you are willing to be a giver, she may just give back too! :) Wink wink!

Blessings on you and your family in every way!