Sexless Marriage with an ADHD wife

I will never leave my wife. I will never give up. That is just the way I am made. I sometimes wish I wasn't though. Life with an ADHD wife (for over 15 years) has been very difficult although I love her deeply. Emotional explosions over the smallest things, her hyper focusing on the things that are wrong and not the positives, and the verbal tongue lashings she dishes out push me to the edge on a regular basis. We had a great friendship and intimate life until we had children. The stresses of two young children (one of which is ADHD) and a full time job for both of us has taken it's toll and our marriage is basically sexless now by definition. I suppose this is not limited to those in ADHD relationships. We have tried to work through this many times now with counseling and a thousand "talks". The finger always pointed back at me, she simply would never accept any responsibility. So I tried to change, become more romantic and attend to the things she found most important. Regardless of the changes made I have been told that it does not feel like we are connecting. It is very frustrating because I feel like I am doing whatever is asked, the bar just keeps getting moved. She has continually changed what she says the problem is until she finds something I cannot change. Then I find I am stuck. Recently my wife was diagnosed with ADHD after a lifetime of suffering from depression. In some ways it has been very liberating.  She now seems more willing to look at how she feels towards me in a different light. I am hopeful for the future. I am hoping that others might be able to share positive experiences, how things have become better in this area. My primary love language is touch so this would be extremely helpful if someone has experienced a rebirth for their marriage, helpful tips would be great.

here's a book that might help:

Titled "If he Only Knew" by Gary Smalley.   This is not written specifically for ADHD people, but for men who have lost a connection with their wives.

For the record, I'm a non-ADHD wife.  This book hits the nail on the head about how men can unintentionally alienate their wives and why it is so difficult to get the connection back. I gave it to my husband, and he said "I had no idea".  

Anyway, try it.  Maybe it will help you repair your end of the relationship while your wife works on her ADD.