sexless marriage wth adhd partner

I am trying to cope with very little sex with my wife...I'm doing everything in the house and am frustrated with not having sex. She was diagnosed year ago and the physical relationship has diminished drastically. I am contemplating going outside my marriage for sex but I don't want that.....I am supportive and am at my wits end. Managing finances, renovations, car maintenance and work and being father to our 3 yr old and a recovering alcoholic is taking its toll. This is myfirst blog about this and I can't take it anymore.I'm 43 yrs old and my sex drive is thru the roof. I'm tired of waiting and initiating sex....weve been marrried 8 yrs...she is seeing counselor but I don't know what to do anymore. please give me some advice!

Comments and a Few Questions

Hi steeler,

So, am I understanding correctly that she's been diagnosed a year and it has been going downhill since that point (She was diagnosed year ago and the physical relationship has diminished drastically.)?  Is she on medication?  If so, which one(s)?  Is she on other medication?  The (birth control) pill can cause a serious dip in sex drive.  It happens gradually, but ask any woman who's gone off the pill... So many women I know say they didn't even realize it was the pill until they stopped taking it.  Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds can have the same effect.  I don't know if this is true for anyone else, but I can tell you one ADHD med, Concerta, made me insatiable the second it took effect.  Literally. 

Of course, many with ADHD have either diminished or hyper sex drives.  No one really knows the cause.

What does she say about her sex drive?  Does she know why it's low?

I feel your pain, dude, though I am the ADHD partner.  Sex drive through the roof, not enough sex.  I know you are frustrated, and I know what that's like.  Of course, when I was on the pill, this was NOT the case.  For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, but the pill KILLED my sex drive.

Keep up the good work in recovery.  FYI, my Dad has been in AA for 25 years, and I remember the first few were quite rough for him.  He had a lot of anger he was used to burying, and it took him a while to manage it.  But it does get better.  I've seen my father go through a pretty amazing metamorphosis, and I know you're under a lot of stress for any person given the burden of a partner who is not contributing properly due to ADHD symptoms; stress that you're used to numbing with alcohol.  My Mom, incidentally is ADHD, diagnosed; no meds.

I know it can be really difficult to be unfulfilled, but how are you going to feel about yourself if you stray?  Equally important, how are you going to look yourself in the mirror and NOT use alcohol if you are used to coping with pain and guilt that way?  I know you said you don't want to do that, but I can feel how on the edge you are in your post...