Lack of boundaries, avoiding communication, seeking novelty and taboo stimulation -- I don't know if my husband's behavior stems from his ADHD or if it's some other issue, but I'm in a private little hell right now.
When dating, my husband hid behind a conservative religious upbringing to put the brakes on any sexual activity. A few make-out sessions were it. He instructed me not to masturbate, and since I was also from a conservative background (and, I realized later, I instinctively obey men when they tell me what to do), I obeyed him. He says he started watching porn, in the family room, with the sound off, when he was barely pubescent. He was wracked with guilt. He said he didn't know what masturbation was until he was in high school and he was horrified to find out. He said that, after he hit puberty, he forced his little sister to kiss him several times, shortly before she was hospitalized for a mental health breakdown.
Once, I fell asleep while fooling around with him, and when I woke up, he was having vaginal sex with me. I rolled away from him, cried, and he told me that I'd been awake and I'd wanted it. "What made you think I was awake?" I asked. "You were talking," he said. "What was I saying?" I asked. "You were saying, 'What's going on?'" The next day I kept breaking down in tears and he kept yelling at me. So I jammed it into the back of my head, along with the knowledge of what he'd done to his sister.
When we married, he refused to have sex with me. I'd wanted to buy a corset or some other lingerie for the honeymoon; when I pulled up the Frederick's of Hollywood website, he covered his eyes and said it was pornographic and it would be wrong if he looked at it. We didn't have sex on our wedding night, and when, on the honeymoon, I brought out some hilariously trashy cheap juniors' lingerie I'd bought as a gag -- he got angry and made me throw it away.
For months, he'd tease and flirt in the daytime, then roll over and ignore me as soon as we got into bed. I cried myself to sleep next to him. Finally, he told me it was because we were using a barrier method of birth control, and that if he had sex with me while using birth control, he'd go to Hell. I insisted we see a counselor, but he wouldn't discuss sex with her, either.
Things got a little better for a little while. We still averaged sex between twice a month and once every two months. I felt like I was going insane. Then we had a child -- which he'd insisted on, because Catholic -- and suddenly he was fine with birth control. But the frequency of sex didn't increase. On the rare occasions that he didn't whine and roll over when I tried to instigate sex, he tried to anally penetrate me, immediately denying it and saying he was just "missing." Eventually I caved and had anal sex with him several times, but he hates lubricant and is rough in bed, which left me bleeding the next day, so I told him I wasn't willing to do it any more. After six years with maybe two orgasms, I told him I wanted to buy a vibrator to use together. He wouldn't discuss it. I pulled up a bunch of product listings and asked him to pick one, since we'd be using it together, and I left him alone so he'd feel more comfortable. When I came back he said he know I was going to do whatever I wanted to do anyway so it didn't matter what he thought. I went to clear the Amazon history and found he'd spent the time on a gaming forum.
A few weeks ago, I woke up and my husband was digitally penetrating my anus. I was horrified, and I foolishly tried to go along with it -- because if I wanted it, it wasn't sexual assault, right? But in the morning, I told him never to make sexual contact with me while I was sleeping, ever, and never to penetrate my anus unless I gave him permission. He apologized but insisted I had been awake and enjoying it.
A few weeks later, he did it again. This time he insisted that HE had been asleep. He went online and diagnosed himself with a sleep disorder. He said he'd see a counselor. (He never made an appointment.) I moved into my kid's room. I just sobbed through my friends' wedding; I've been crying through weddings for years now, thinking, "How could I be so foolish?" and "What are they getting into?"
I was molested by my father on two occasions when I was eight years old. He crawled into my bed and forced me to touch him. After my husband molested me, I thought I was more annoyed than traumatized, but I've been getting more and more upset as the days go by. Yesterday, I realized that I'd mentally called my husband by my father's name when I was sorting everybody's laundry out. I can't stand to be near him. Financially, I'm not in a place to tell him to leave, but I'm working my way there. Our child is exhibiting oppositional behavior and I feel physically attacked by the people I'm living with. I'm exhausted, since I run a business from home, have to keep it clean for my clients, and my husband and child trash the place.
He's out gaming again tonight. Left clothing and dishes everywhere. I'm just so tired. I'm in my mid-thirties, and I feel old and without hope; I look at other couples and I wonder if they actually like living with each other and whether my husband is right when he says I'm a miserable person and will never be pleased with anything.
Have any of you suffered sexual abuse in your ADHD marriages? I know risky or too-frequent sex is common in ADHD, but are other disordered sexual behaviors also linked to ADHD?