Hi all,
the information is so good here I wanted to post a question and would really like to hear your point of view.
my gf has undiagnosed ADHD, I only became aware when a good common friend of us who has diagnosed ADHD told me that in his view my gf (or my ex) had ADHD herself as she shows a lot of the signs, he told me this AFTER I ended the relationship, after I got educated on ADHD it all made sense, so I agree with him, i strongly believe she was ADHD just she is so unaware of it.
Anyway, I broke up with her 2 months ago because I couldn't take her lies anymore, especially when she lied about her being in touch with her ex behind my back. Our relationship was a roller coaster and it was really tough,I saw myself changing and walking on shells to avoid issues with her... I was basically loosing myself, I took the blame she assigned to me (in her eyes, i was the guilty one of all the problems in our relationship). So i ended it.... she is not accountable, she does not take the responsibility, and she projects a hell of a lot.... ...
the issue is , now that I know she has ADHD, I think i can deal with it better and given that I miss her so much, I would like to give another shot to the relationship, of course part of me wants to walk away, but part of me wants to try to make it work with all the knowledge that I have now, although she has not managed to have a relationship longer than 2 years with anybody and she is close to being 50 yrs old.
The problem is that she seems to be very interested in entering another relationship now, she started to contact an ex of hers (another ex) who is in a relationship and they have started an affair (she is the third one in the affair behind the back of the current gf). She started this shortly after i broke up with her and she seems to just want to get this woman no matter what, this woman seems to be just playing with her as she is VERY protective of her current relationship.
She was so angry with me she didnt want to talk at all. I dont know how to approach her, I dont even know if she will ever be back! she seems to be hyperfocus on this ex of hers (btw, this ex of hers had another affair about 3 years ago, and this person never left the relationship she was on to establish a new one witih the girl who became my gf)
So, do you think she is gone for good?
Knowledge isn't power to change someone else
Submitted by adhd32 on
Sorry to say that even though you are now aware of the possibility of ADD, that knowledge won't change a your ex. Unless your ex is willing to accept the possibility she could have ADD AND wants to commit to professional help, lasting change will be elusive. Even with professional help, there may not be enough change to sustain a relationship. It helps to be aware of what behavior comes from the disorder but you cannot change her and getting back together will be more of the same. You stated in your post that she lies, has commitment issues, is not accountable, or responsible. What would be different if she was willing to get back together with you?
thanks adhd32 for your answer
Submitted by fluffy lion on
thanks adhd32 for your answer... what would be different would be ME... just me i guess. I would understand her behaviours more and I would be able to not take things personally.... as I type this (and thanks for the question)... i began to think that this would not make me happier in the relationship, it means I would be carrying the burden on my own again. Yes she is not responsible.... but I would offer her understanding. I recall she saying often that people dont get her, that I did (that was in the first stages of relationship, before I became a "nagging person" in her eyes). What sometimes I dont understand is that we seemed to be in 2 different relationships, her view was an exaggerated view of a "traumatic" relationship an din my eyes, it wasnt that bad... until she lied about her ex.
You have more problems than
Submitted by phatmama on
You have more problems than ADHD going on here, by a long shot. I have ADHD and so does my husband and we are both almost pathologically honest, to the point of being "brutally honest", so the pathological lying would not be thrown under the ADHD umbrella necessarily. You mentioned several very serious relationship concerns that are more indicative of a character problem than an impulse control/attention problem. Even if your previous partner does have ADHD and you have become sympathetic to her issues, you would be well-advised to exercise extreme caution before stepping in that mess again willingly.
Thank you for this. It has
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Thank you for this. It has been an ongoing issue for me, to separate the ADHD issues from what I have come to perceive as character deficits. I agree. I don't believe general lying is about ADHD beyond the usual "sure,I picked up the dry cleaning" (meaning, oops, I forgot, I'm on it). Cheating or wanting to cheat - nope,not ADHD in my opinion.
AMEN....
Submitted by c ur self on
Awesome advice for you right here, you should think about heeding it....
C
Quite good advice
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
All of these folks give you good advice, which I will reiterate here. Your knowledge about ADHD won't change her behaviors - only she can do that. And there is no indication here that she is feeling regret or even missing you. In fact, just the opposite. She has already moved on. Not to put too fine a point on it, it seems as if it is time for you to move on, as well. You sound as if you would like to change her - but she needs to be the one to change herself.