my wife told me last night that she want a divorce, she’s done.
My heart is broken and I’m bleeding out, the devastation and sense of loss I’m feeling is so painful I want to crawl into a hole and die.
I love her with all my heart, she is my world and I’m completely crushed. I take the medication, I read the books, I try very hard to control my ADHD but over our seventeen year marriage all the little things have piled up into one giant pile until she got so worn down that she wants out at any cost. I understand, if I was in her shoes I would want to get away from me as well. But that doesn’t stop the agony I’m feeling from losing her.
I do not deny any of the symptoms that affect our marriage. I know they are there and I’m willing to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to change my ways and save our marriage. Like I said, she is my world and I want to grow old with her and take care of her for the rest of our lives.
This is the third time she has said she wants a divorce and I don’t know if I can stop it this time. I know that I have to try my hardest and give it everything I have to earn her love and respect back.
I think there are reasons to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think there are reasons to work on improving yourself whether or not you're in a relationship, but I also think the relationship can be saved only if both people want it to be saved. So I suggest asking your wife if she has any desire to stay married and, if she does, what she needs for that to be possible.
What's the problem?
Submitted by c ur self on
Why does she feel so unsatisfied as your wife? Based on your words, (all the adjectives you use here) she is more highly prized and loved than most could ever be.....Do you understand what love is? Love is never words...Love is your actions towards her, and the responsibilities you share in, on a daily bases....
If I make the statement... "I love you" , to my spouse, when my daily actions are being lived out to the contrary (justification of selfish interests) ....Then those words are hollow and empty, and just a blatant disrespect for the work she does....
The words "I love you" are used in our carnal society in many ways....Most have nothing to do with acts of true love....If you and I, or our wives, became unable to speak over night....(The things we hold dear could only be learned, by the viewing of our daily actions)...What would be determined about our efforts? What would be the picture of our lives, if we couldn't voice it?...What would be each of our stories? Where would we put our time, energy, devotion?...What would we truly be committed to (in love with) ?
A harsh reality
Submitted by BIGREDDOG on
When looked at through the lens as you describe it, I see myself as hypocritical. I don’t treat her as well as my words would lead anyone to believe. She deserves to be treated to the degree that I express my love for her, I truly want to give her my time, energy and devotion. I have lost my way and become engulfed in selfishness and now it will more than likely cost me my marriage barring a miracle.
My only hope of salvaging our marriage is to live a life of love for her as you describe it “with acts of love” and hope that there is enough time left for it to show her how much I truly do love her.
I have a lot of work to do on myself if I’m going to be that man but I know how much she means to me so I’m willing to do anything I have to.
I only wish that I could control all the emotions that I have when I think of losing her.....Sadness, fear, anger and guilt are just a few. I feel physical pain and find myself crying uncontrollably at times.
I really do appreciate your perspective and I will keep it at the forefront of my mind as I work on making changes to my life and the way I interact with my wife.
Honesty with ourselves gives us a chance...B.R.D.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We are all different people...Everyone is unique in their own way...But when two go to an alter and vow to each other (and God) to do the work of being 1...We should keep that promise....What does that mean? Well, because we all love our selves, and can easily get caught up being somewhat selfish...I find it really important to ask myself, "How would I feel if I were my spouse"?....No one can do in her life what I am suppose to do...No one can do in my life, what she is suppose to do...
I have to ask myself.....What do I want the impact of her husbands life, (me) to have been on her life, when she comes to the end of it, in this fleshly realm?? Do I want to make sure her faith in me, and her love for me, was the best decision she ever made? And the answer to that is, I do?...And by the way, if I had any reservations about wanting the very best for her (be wiling to do the work) in this life....I would leave her!...Because no one ever deserves to be saddled w/ a spouse, who doesn't care enough (indifferent toward them) to do their best....
All of our wives are different...some may love to have their feet massaged after a long day....others my not like massages at all....Most love thoughtfulness though....A husband who recognizes the work load and is quick to share in the work...
There are obvious things that men are more capable of doing.....And there are obvious things women do much better (some only women can do).....But other than those few obvious things, we should never say, Oh!, that's a women's job...or Oh, that's a mans job....Most women in our society take jobs outside the home, even w/ children present....That alone creates a very hectic and active life style...So unless the husband (me) takes ownership of every aspect of accomplishing the full needs of the family, then someone's going to suffer....From my experience, 95% of the time it's the wife...
It's really unfair to tell your wife it's OK to work outside the home...Then expect them to do all the work inside the home....I would have a problem with it..LOL....Our wives need cherished, and that isn't just a bedroom job...It's just being the attentive and understanding man in their lives....
Can our wives be greedy? Can they be selfish? Can they ignore their responsibilities? Can they have messed up priorities? Yep to all....But that never lets us off the hook for being the husband's we vowed to be......Yep, truth can be harsh...But it will also get us on the right road...At some point we just have to say NO MORE, to the lollipops and band-aids, that never last....And find real healing for our lives, and our marriages....The lasting kind....
In the same boat
Submitted by Thorofin on
my wife said something similar a few days ago. It made me realize that I was not doing enough to manage my ADHD, and the result was she is suffering in what feels like a dead marriage. She doesn’t feel loved by me, and hasn’t for many years. And up to now, hasn’t seen enough change in my behavior to give her any hope. I’ve had the same feelings of fear and heartache, and in the past I used to wallow in them. Now I try to use them as motivation to work on myself, and my relationship.
Some advice that I wish I had been given.
Submitted by BIGREDDOG on
I’m sorry to hear you are sharing my pain. This is not something I would wish on anyone. All I can suggest is that you find a really good psychologist that truly knows ADHD well (they will all say they do but few truly do) and figure out a well balanced plan that you can work through. Your plan needs to include a network of accountability to keep you from slipping back into old habits. (That was my downfall in the past) I also suggest that you take good care of your body, I.E. get good sleep, lots of exercise, eat well, etc.
If it’s not too late as it is for me, I would also suggest that you ask your wife if she can sit with you for a few minutes and talk. Find a place where you won’t be disturbed, turn off you phone and anything else that might interfere. Sit face to face and look her in the eyes so she can see the sincerity in your eyes and tell her how you feel about her, tell her you want to be a loving and caring partner in her life and have a great relationship. Most of all, you need to open up to her and tell her how difficult it is living with ADHD and be honest with her about the day to day struggles you deal with, don’t hold anything back, complete honesty, guilt, shame, fear, whatever you experience in your journey with ADHD. let her in so she understands what and how you experience things in your life so she isn’t left with the feeling that you don’t care about her or it’s somehow her fault or the thousand other emotions that the non ADHD partner goes through daily. Also make sure that you let her know that it’s not her responsibility to “fix” you or to do it for you. Let her know how much you appreciate her for all the things she does for you but don’t let her pay the price for your disability.
Just keep in mind that marriage is a partnership so pull your own load.
Love is never words, it’s actions, how do you demonstrate your love for her through your acts of love?
best of luck to both of you in rebuilding your relationship.