First off, things are going great for our little family right now. We are finally steering our ship in the right direction after years of living by the seat of our pants. There's still something there though. I am still having a hard time with my husband's ADHD. I'm angry a lot, and resentful. I feel like the one who has to manage our household. When is the dog due for shots? When does the car need to be serviced? Where does this thing go? Where did so and so put such and such. I am often frustrated and feel as if there is an imbalance of work. My husband has been trying to assist lately in household chores but says that he has a problem doing them unless we do them together. I didn't know why this made me upset - I couldn't put a finger on it - until I saw some of his exact words in an article I read yesterday. Here's the part that stuck out:
" “I always reasoned: ‘If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.’”
I wasn’t asking my wife to boss me around. I was asking my wife to HELP ME help her. Read that sentence again, guys. I wanted to help my wife. I did. But instead of actually being helpful, I put the burden of responsibility on her to manage her life, our baby’s life, AND my life."
Then later in the article this:
"She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. I never took the initiative to identify the needs of our son nor the needs of the household, and then set up whatever personal system I needed in order to get things done."
This is exactly how I feel. I understand him calling me everyday to figure out dinner. The problem is the responsibility is always on me. It is "What are we having tonight?" Not "Hey, I think we should have burritos what do you think?" In my perception, I am the manager of everything, and I don't want to be. I want to be a partner.
I tried to tell him about this article last night, but unfortunately it has a pretty inflammatory title that immediate put my husband on the defensive. He told me he had made significant changes in his life and that he is not willing to shoulder my resentment or try to fix it. The direction the conversation went made me feel small and petty, and made me want to just crawl back inside myself. As he went to bed, I told him I was sorry for the way it came out and it wasn't my intention. I asked if he was sorry and he said he had nothing to be sorry for because I brought it up. I felt like crying. I thought I read a breakthrough, instead he took it as a poking stick.
He texted that he wanted to read the article today and I sent it to him but other than that radio silence. I don't know where to go from here. Any thoughts?