We have strange dynamics around household tasks. I'd like opinions on how to get unblocked in this area.
I am physically limited and have a lot of pain on normal activities like walking. My husband has pretty severe inattentive ADD. Soon after we married, he lost his job and didn't work regularly for 3 years. He's working now, at a rather difficult job that he loves. I went back to school while he wasn't working, figuring if I had to support another person the rest of my life, I needed a better job. I lost my job in November.
A couple weeks ago, I went back to work. I work night shift as I have classes during the day. I leave before he gets home. He told me, when I was gone all day working 2 jobs after he stopped working, that "I don't work well alone," by way of offering that as a reason why, when I came home after 15 hours, there were no clean dishes or laundry and I had to do all that too. I can get him to do housework if we work together, along the lines of "Will you empty the dishwasher while I clean off the counter?"
The problem now is that I can't get him to do anything. I come home at night and burners are on, empty packages from cooking (like those styrofoam boxes mushrooms come in) are sitting around on the counter, and the kitchen is a total mess. He says "I don't know what to do alone" but I argue that a 48 year old college graduate should be able to figure out that if you empty something, you throw it out, and you should always turn off the burners. Because of the different shifts, our marriage counselors discontinured us, and he has no therapy around his ADD (the doctors seem to be saying as long as he takes his meds, he's fine.)
So I have 2 possible options. One is not to do my homework and spend my daytime cleaning up after him. The other is to fuss about this, and probably still have to clean up after him. If my landlord did an inspection, we'd get evicted. Does any one have any ideas beyond "the non-add person has to do all the work." He admits it isn't fair, but radically overstates the work he actually does. He says without me there to tell him what to do, he doesn't know. I can't call him and tell him what to do, there is no outbound phone at work and I don't have (or want) a cell phone.
Ideas, anyone?? I'm desperate!