Should I kick him out of my life for good ???

In a nutshell, ADHD Boyfriend and I had a whirlwind/hyperfocused romance for 1 mth, and are in a long-distance relationship for 6-7 mths. We work for the same company ; he works offshore. We live in different countries, so when he gets his month off from work, he goes back to the US. He doesn't call, till he gets back.

I've told him once how that makes me worried. But his reply was his mum used to be just as pissed, but she got used to it. He's started to open up to me a little recently, said he was tired of ADHD upsetting his life, and how he fantasized of a normal life. By the way, he's had the 3 divorces, 2 teenagers and drug and alcohol abuse problems.

If he's willing, I'm willing to work with him. I try to understand him. But he was supposed to be at work offshore this month. He wasn't. My regional office mentioned that he has some backache problems. I've tried e-mailing him at work & his private e-mail, to no avail.He's switched his mobile. Out of desperation,I've snail-mailed him a letter to US. I don't know if he has received it.

I'm tired of waiting. I don't know ; DO ADHDers forget someone completely for 1 mth and counting,if they are doing something ? Or he's just being an ass and I'm blind to it ? What should I do ? I really like him. But this is just crazy .....

Maybe that's for the best?

Over 3 months ago you were writing similar things, him being away, not calling etc.  It seems even worse now?  Maybe it's best to just let go.  Long distance (or partly long distance) relationships are hard for any couple, add not calling or writing for weeks and how on earth are you going to take it?  And, how do you know that he doesn't have a family that he's going to when he's away? (ok, maybe that's more of a movie scenario than real life).  

From my perspective this isn't about him having ADHD.  I can barely imagine being in a long distance relationship and then only with daily contact (phone, email, skype and so on).

Good luck to you, keep us posted on how things work out.

fuzzylogic72's picture


"I'm tired of waiting. I don't know ; DO ADHDers forget someone completely for 1 mth and counting,if they are doing something ? Or he's just being an ass and I'm blind to it ? What should I do ? I really like him. But this is just crazy ....." 

A MONTH of no contact, and changing his phone? Can't even e-mail? 1 month out of the 6 you've been dating... that's like 16-18% of your entire relationship that you are ignored. This sounds pretty sketchy. I'd like to say that with work and patience he could change, but I can't say that because like Tasla says, this is not about adhd. If anything it sounds like an undiagnosed personality disorder (like severe Avoidant Personality Disorder). I also dated a girl in university that would just take off for weeks. Once she left her office (engineer for Honda), flew to Amsterdam and bought a big bag of weed. Next day she threw it in the garbage and went to the other side of Holland and showed up on the doorstep of distant relatives that she had never met. Turns out she was later diagnosed with schizophrenia and is now working at a grocery store. Anyways, I'm not a psychologist (yet!), but there is clearly something other than adhd going on, or he's just got some double life, but wants the comfort of a 'home-base' girl. Do you want to be that? Didn't think so! I'd tell him your concerns like you told us, and tell him he doesn't have to change his patterns, but if he doesn't then you're not going to be his home-base girlfriend.

I will give you the same

I will give you the same advice I gave you previously about this very same subject...I think you're wanting it to be about ADD...and I think most of us here agree that it is doubtful this is solely ADD related. Would all ADHD/ADDers 'forget' to call/e-mail if they were to have to go away for a month? Doubtful. My husband (ADDer) HATES to be away from home for even one night. He calls at least 1-2 times a day while at work..just because. He texts off and on all day, most days. It isn't hyperfocus...we've been married for 13 years and he's always been this way...even during the worst parts of our marriage.

I am really struggling to understand why you don't cut this person loose and why you keep accepting this treatment. Changing his mobile? Really? That's no ADD..that's INTENTIONAL.

waynebloss's picture

Sorry..I agree with the rest

ADD does not make you forget let alone forget for a month!  This is completely intentional and has nothing to do with ADD/ADHD. Time to cut the cord and start down a new path for you, I know that you will be much happier when you do!  I do not like telling people to leave without a fight but looks like the fighting is only you, he has stopped fighting and now is just stringing you along.  Need to stop and like all the other non-ADD spouses will tell you...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! As a person with ADD I am telling to take care of you first, you will be happier. Sorry, it is what is and you need to stop enabling him from doing this to you.


So tht's it then

I'm kinda choking , as I type this. Partly cos I like/care for him, and partly cos I can't believe I'm this dumb. I came here to be able to understand him better, and was hoping to gain some hope tht we could have a future. 

I'm also sad and angry tht we proved everyone right. No one believed tht we would stay together, Not my parents,friends,and collegues. No one. He just proved them right. SO much for faith. He seemed so genuine at first, why do they have to be such assholes ? This is not just an investment of my time, but my feelings. People get hurt and embarassed.

I'm sorry,I just need to vent. I think I've read enuf to know tht ADHDers are not bad by nature. It's how you overcome these differences. And this is him being as ASS. Regardless of the ADHD.

I guess I keep giving him a chance cos sometimes I think it's really ADHD related. He's also not contacted a friend of ours .Infact it was he who mentioned that ADHD dearest had not e-mailed him too for a long time. His online business seems to be slowing down. He 's not responded to a few negative comments from his buyers on the E-bay website. It's things like this ,tht make me think he's not avoiding me on purpose. But now I don't know if his back's so bad tht he's missing work.He's been here for 10 yrs,and needs the paycheck.  But I guess if he was serious bout me being his girlfriend,he would share wht's bothering him. He doesn't look the callous type. He said tht I shouldn't judge a book by its cover on our first date. I didn't realise he was talking bout himself.

For those who make the effort,ADHD or Non-ADHD , good luck. Be happy.  Wht's the Gloria Gaynor song, as long as I know how to love,I know I'll be/stay alive.