first of all i want to say that english is not my first language so forgive me if there will be some errors. this would be quite a long post so please bear with me.
i stumbled upon this site because i just recently thought that my boyfriend might have ADD/ADHD. my boyfriend said his sister was diagnosed with ADD when she's a kid. we've been having issues lately about communication so i approached a friend and talked to her about my problems. she mentioned that the same thing has been happening with her sister who's in a pseudo-relationship with a guy who has been diagnosed with it.
just a brief background, we are an interracial couple; he is an american sailor and i am a filipino IT engineer. we met in japan through a friend. first year of our relationship was fine. he's a sweet, caring guy but i really find him tactless or rude sometimes. we didn't have any major problem only until i had problems with my previous job. my employer was forcing me to resign and because of that, i was unable to spend time with him doing our regular thing. he expected that everytime he comes to my place, i would drop my problems and attend to his needs. there were times that he just avoided coming to my place, but i begged him to come because i just want him to listen. i felt so alone and i thought it was selfish of him to leave me like that in times of need but i was there for him everytime he needs me. because of that, i thought i shouldn't put up with his attitude and tell him what i want in a relationship.
he only started to see me again on a regular basis when he saw that i've been able to put my life back together without his help. reason i felt the hurdles in my life too was because he'd been staying at my place in a daily basis and bills grew bigger during his stay. as i do not want him to think i'm using him for his money, i politely asked if he could just visit me like before -- every weekend. he took offense and said he wants to see me sometimes. so i asked him if he could pay me the excess of the bills i usually account for myself. but he always expects me to pay for his food and the things in my place he wanted me to buy for his convenience. needless to say, i've been struggling with the finances. but ever since i got a new job, i told him that i need to save money for myself so we would have to go dutch.
we've been okay again until he switched departments in his job. he moved to customer service and moved out in town to live on his own. it put a lot of stress on him and a hole in our relationship.
one major incident was, he asked me to shop for furniture one time for his place. i can speak japanese so he thinks it would be easier if i am around. there was a sofa on sale but it's asian style so he didn't like it. i was telling him the benefits of buying the sofa now rather than buy something else later which would be a lot expensive. he got angry and demanded me to pay half of the sofa and stuffs he bought for his place. i told him he just asked me for help, i didn't want to spend my money and i am not living with him so i don't see the point of giving my share. plus, it wasn't my idea to move out. we got in a heated argument in the department store. he was raising his voice so i raised my voice. he said i was putting him on the spot. i walked out of the department store to go back to his place and get my things. i told him i am not going to help him anymore with that attitude.
i was really furious that time because i cannot believe what he said. while we're walking i told him that i've never asked him for anything more when i was having problems of my own. he said i scarred him when i had my problem. i can't believe why he felt scarred when it was me who felt pain when he left me alone. i moved quickly and he just kept on walking like a kid, not realizing what he did wrong. when we came to his place, i got all my stuffs. he stopped me and said we would talk but i was too angry so i slapped him hard. i thought he would be angry but he said, "what have i done to you to be that mad?"
i cannot believe he didn't know! i was crying and prepared myself for the worse. i told him i cannot take it anymore. everytime we go out shopping, i have to make sure he's not angry or moody, pissed or whatever because he'd be angry at me. it doesn't help if i approach him nicely. he'd be rude no matter what. he didn't want me to leave so he hugged me tightly, almost suffocating. he begged me not to leave him and he said he would fix it. i told him, he cannot blame me for my problems that i did not ask for in the first place. it was not my fault. i pointed out he's being selfish because he disregarded what i feel and expected me to bend backwards for him. i gave him another chance.
here are the list of things he usually does that led me to think he might have one
- he forgets birthdays, special occasions and appointments
- he's always late and breaks his promises; for example he promised to come to my place, he would let me know the last minute to cancel our date. it is frustrating because i adjust my schedule for him even if i have to do something important
- he's never late for work but he's quite OC whenever he sets his cellphone alarm; he wants me to set a backup alarm, and he checks his for 10 minutes to make sure he had set it right.
- he's forgetful. we always fight about him forgetting something he mentioned to me. when i tell him, "this is what you said." he would argue and stick to his word. i seriously keep track of his emails to me just to prove him wrong. i have no proof when it's verbal.
- he cannot remember small details, even shopping for a simple grocery list. one time he said he bought pasta and sloppy joe's and i should make it. when i got home, there's no meat, no buns and even plates! i can't rely on him to do the grocery while i'm still at work because he'd always miss out an ingredient or buy a different one.
- he always imagine we are having an argument in his head. when he thinks i would get angry, he would become defensive. he knows i hate it when he leaves early on sunday. so he assumed i will get mad. he woke up early, bought the grocery and did not wait for me to decide what to eat anymore. when he came back he's mad at me for no reason.
i'm not sure what to do and if i still should continue with this. he's really sweet but when he's moody, he gets really moody. i opened up to him and asked him if he thinks he has ADD/ADHD. he said he thought about it because he cannot think straight, he hates school and he hates dealing with customers at work. there are times he wanted to talk back to the customers but he knows he can't because of his job. it's a bit scary for me, because he thinks i'm a pyscho and i would kill him in his sleep because of my frustration on him. i tried to breakup with him a lot of times, he always say that he would fix it. he doesn't want to get married anytime soon, and he hates kids which are really giving me more reason to leave. however he tells me, he would eventually marry me but not now.
i usually know what to do, but with him, it seems like there's no escape.