hi everyone,
first of all i want to say that english is not my first language so forgive me if there will be some errors. this would be quite a long post so please bear with me.
i stumbled upon this site because i just recently thought that my boyfriend might have ADD/ADHD. my boyfriend said his sister was diagnosed with ADD when she's a kid. we've been having issues lately about communication so i approached a friend and talked to her about my problems. she mentioned that the same thing has been happening with her sister who's in a pseudo-relationship with a guy who has been diagnosed with it.
just a brief background, we are an interracial couple; he is an american sailor and i am a filipino IT engineer. we met in japan through a friend. first year of our relationship was fine. he's a sweet, caring guy but i really find him tactless or rude sometimes. we didn't have any major problem only until i had problems with my previous job. my employer was forcing me to resign and because of that, i was unable to spend time with him doing our regular thing. he expected that everytime he comes to my place, i would drop my problems and attend to his needs. there were times that he just avoided coming to my place, but i begged him to come because i just want him to listen. i felt so alone and i thought it was selfish of him to leave me like that in times of need but i was there for him everytime he needs me. because of that, i thought i shouldn't put up with his attitude and tell him what i want in a relationship.
he only started to see me again on a regular basis when he saw that i've been able to put my life back together without his help. reason i felt the hurdles in my life too was because he'd been staying at my place in a daily basis and bills grew bigger during his stay. as i do not want him to think i'm using him for his money, i politely asked if he could just visit me like before -- every weekend. he took offense and said he wants to see me sometimes. so i asked him if he could pay me the excess of the bills i usually account for myself. but he always expects me to pay for his food and the things in my place he wanted me to buy for his convenience. needless to say, i've been struggling with the finances. but ever since i got a new job, i told him that i need to save money for myself so we would have to go dutch.
we've been okay again until he switched departments in his job. he moved to customer service and moved out in town to live on his own. it put a lot of stress on him and a hole in our relationship.
one major incident was, he asked me to shop for furniture one time for his place. i can speak japanese so he thinks it would be easier if i am around. there was a sofa on sale but it's asian style so he didn't like it. i was telling him the benefits of buying the sofa now rather than buy something else later which would be a lot expensive. he got angry and demanded me to pay half of the sofa and stuffs he bought for his place. i told him he just asked me for help, i didn't want to spend my money and i am not living with him so i don't see the point of giving my share. plus, it wasn't my idea to move out. we got in a heated argument in the department store. he was raising his voice so i raised my voice. he said i was putting him on the spot. i walked out of the department store to go back to his place and get my things. i told him i am not going to help him anymore with that attitude.
i was really furious that time because i cannot believe what he said. while we're walking i told him that i've never asked him for anything more when i was having problems of my own. he said i scarred him when i had my problem. i can't believe why he felt scarred when it was me who felt pain when he left me alone. i moved quickly and he just kept on walking like a kid, not realizing what he did wrong. when we came to his place, i got all my stuffs. he stopped me and said we would talk but i was too angry so i slapped him hard. i thought he would be angry but he said, "what have i done to you to be that mad?"
i cannot believe he didn't know! i was crying and prepared myself for the worse. i told him i cannot take it anymore. everytime we go out shopping, i have to make sure he's not angry or moody, pissed or whatever because he'd be angry at me. it doesn't help if i approach him nicely. he'd be rude no matter what. he didn't want me to leave so he hugged me tightly, almost suffocating. he begged me not to leave him and he said he would fix it. i told him, he cannot blame me for my problems that i did not ask for in the first place. it was not my fault. i pointed out he's being selfish because he disregarded what i feel and expected me to bend backwards for him. i gave him another chance.
here are the list of things he usually does that led me to think he might have one
- he forgets birthdays, special occasions and appointments
- he's always late and breaks his promises; for example he promised to come to my place, he would let me know the last minute to cancel our date. it is frustrating because i adjust my schedule for him even if i have to do something important
- he's never late for work but he's quite OC whenever he sets his cellphone alarm; he wants me to set a backup alarm, and he checks his for 10 minutes to make sure he had set it right.
- he's forgetful. we always fight about him forgetting something he mentioned to me. when i tell him, "this is what you said." he would argue and stick to his word. i seriously keep track of his emails to me just to prove him wrong. i have no proof when it's verbal.
- he cannot remember small details, even shopping for a simple grocery list. one time he said he bought pasta and sloppy joe's and i should make it. when i got home, there's no meat, no buns and even plates! i can't rely on him to do the grocery while i'm still at work because he'd always miss out an ingredient or buy a different one.
- he always imagine we are having an argument in his head. when he thinks i would get angry, he would become defensive. he knows i hate it when he leaves early on sunday. so he assumed i will get mad. he woke up early, bought the grocery and did not wait for me to decide what to eat anymore. when he came back he's mad at me for no reason.
i'm not sure what to do and if i still should continue with this. he's really sweet but when he's moody, he gets really moody. i opened up to him and asked him if he thinks he has ADD/ADHD. he said he thought about it because he cannot think straight, he hates school and he hates dealing with customers at work. there are times he wanted to talk back to the customers but he knows he can't because of his job. it's a bit scary for me, because he thinks i'm a pyscho and i would kill him in his sleep because of my frustration on him. i tried to breakup with him a lot of times, he always say that he would fix it. he doesn't want to get married anytime soon, and he hates kids which are really giving me more reason to leave. however he tells me, he would eventually marry me but not now.
i usually know what to do, but with him, it seems like there's no escape.
professional help
Submitted by arwen on
Unfortunately, what you describe could be ADD -- or it could be a host of other problems. The only way to know is for your boyfriend to see a neuropsychiatrist for a professional evaluation. If your boyfriend does have ADD, the doctor will probably prescribe medication and recommend counseling to help with modifying problem behaviors. Both are typically necessary, especially for someone who has not been diagnosed with ADD as a child (my husband, who was diagnosed in his early 40s, has been on meds and counseling for 15 years, and we are just now getting to a point where we think maybe we can reduce the frequency of his counseling).
I encourage you to read the blogs and posts on this site, it may give you some perspective on what's involved in dealing with ADD. ADD is not easy to cope with, for either the person who has it or for their partner. It requires a serious commitment, beyond the norm for any relationship.
If you decide you want to continue in the relationship, I would also suggest you consider joint counseling. ADD often creates special problems in a relationship, and a counselor who is familiar with ADD can be very helpful in keeping the two partners grounded and objective in dealing with the ADD-related issues.
Good luck!
hi arwen, thank you so much
Submitted by stillwater on
hi arwen,
thank you so much for replying. we had a terrible fight again last night, it was awful and he still thinks i was gonna kill him or trash his place. i was trying to breakup with him a couple of days ago, in which he didn't agree. then yesterday, i said i was going to come to his place, when i came all my stuffs were ready at the door. when he saw me, his face looked like a young boy telling his mom not to hurt him.
he always snaps back whenever we have an argument, which drags the conversation. we had a long talk about marriage and he said he doesn't want to get married. when i ask him when or how, he gives me other excuses. he didn't want to breakup either but would want to cool off for a bit. i said it's either stay or go, we won't be able to fix this if he's unwilling. at one point, he agreed to see a psychiatrist, but he said give him some time. as you know, if he really has ADD, he would procastinate. he won't ever follow up on this and forcing him is like forcing a kid to eat.
so last night, i didn't go home. i was prepared to sleep on his couch but he suddenly said i should sleep beside him. he hugged me tight during my sleep. before he let me sleep he said i should go out by 5 am because he didn't want to see me. but this morning, he had a change of heart and leave me his keys.
he mentioned that he had terrible experiences from girlfriends in the past, like them smashing his video console, etc. now he thinks i might do the same but he's never willing to fix himself. i always tell him i am not an enemy. he doesn't trust anyone aside from his family but unfortunately his mom and dad died that's why he joined the navy.
the relationship is becoming abusive. i haven't been into one and it's really a difficult experience. i myself, would want to have a separate counselling as i am being codependent. he isolated me from my friends which made me lose them and now when he leaves me, i have no one to turn to. my cousins tell me to leave him because he soounds psychotic :( i am actually afraid what he could turn into.
btw, his half-sister (from his mom) was diagnosed with ADD as a kid. when i mentioned to him that he might have one, he said his mom brought him to the doctor before and was told he doesn't have it. also, he has a close friend in his work who has this condition. i always thought though that he's bad influence on him.
he is a different person now. he tells me that i should turn into old me but i cannot do that if he won't change too. he is refusing to change and guarding himself so much. eversince his mom died, he said he'd been like this. could it be that he thinks he lost his protection and he cannot trust anyone now? i noticed that he likes it whenever i acted like his mom but i always say, i am your girlfriend, not your mom. he's hesitant to seek help because he's afraid the navy might kick him out. can you give me insights on how i could convince him to seek help?
persuasion for counseling
Submitted by arwen on
Stillwater, there isn't any magic "open sesame" that I can tell you that will persuade your SO to seek help. Basically, as LaTuFu, Dan and others have said in their posts, he's got to accept that he needs help, or nothing will get better. There's no way you can make that happen, it has to come from him.
But, there may be ways that you can influence him. You can tell him that people who get treatment usually get into less trouble with other people, usually find it less difficult to get things done, usually end up feeling better about themselves (although often not right away). You can point out to him that some of his behaviors (you will need to be specific) are not really normal. Whether this will make any difference to him will depend on what's important to him.
In my case, my husband had begun having a lot of traffic accidents and tickets as a result of increasing ADD problems (in his family, those with ADD get worse in middle age), even though he used to be an excellent driver. I was increasingly worried about it and had suggested seeing a doctor several times, but he refused to consider it -- the idea that there could be something wrong with him that made him drive badly was scary to him (although he did not say so, and I did not realize how scared he was). I got to the point where I would not allow our children to ride in the car if he was driving. When he finally had a more serious accident where someone could have been badly hurt and he refused to accept that it had been his fault, I decided he was too dangerous to keep driving and I took away his car keys -- told him that he could have them back after he saw a qualified doctor, regardless of the outcome*.
The reasons my husband agreed to go for evaluation (despite being very very angry with me, and still very scared at the implications) was
You will probably be most successful with your SO if you think about what issues are important to him that you can leverage into support for the idea of getting help. You may be correct in your hypothesis that he feels like he's lost some protection, or guidance, with his mom's passing -- you could try telling him that no one can take his mom's place and suggesting to him that if he gets counseling, he may be better able to protect and guide himself.
You also need to keep in mind that there's a lot of emotion wrapped up in the question of getting help for neuropsychiatric conditions. It can be quite terrifying to consider that there might be something "wrong" or even just "different" with your brain, especially if there is any history of it in one's family. ADD makes it easier for a person to ignore unpleasant realities, so people with ADD often respond to fears by "hiding" from them rather than facing them. It's important therefore that your approach to him be as kind and gentle (but firm!) as you can manage to get him to face the realities he may fear.
At the time my husband was being asked to consider getting help, I did not understand how very fearful he was, and I only presented rational arguments which alone were not persuasive enough. If I had given greater acknowledgement and understanding of his fears, I might have been more successful in my efforts to persuade.
Regarding your SO's concerns about the counseling being on his record, theoretically this should not count against him -- but I know from personal experience that this does not always work the way it should in reality, so he is probably wise to be cautious on this point. You may want to consider seeing a counselor together under your name, outside the Navy health care system, to get an evaluation, if this will not have potentially adverse impacts on your own situation.
[*NOTE -- Please understand that in general I do not advocate actions as confrontational as taking away keys. In general, confrontation of this kind is highly risky and usually results only in unproductive anger. The only reason I did something so confrontational myself was that because his accidents were getting progressively more serious, I really truly believed he would kill somebody in his next accident, and since he did not believe he was at fault, it was certain there would eventually be another accident -- I felt that for me to have done nothing to prevent it would have been morally equivalent to being an accessory to negligent homicide, and I absolutely could not do that.]
Stillwater...I'm in agreement
Submitted by LaTuFu on
Stillwater...I'm in agreement with arwen. He has to see the problem as his own, and accept it. If he can't do that, then he'll resist going to counseling and deny the condition.
Regarding your belief that you can't (or won't?) change if he won't, I would suggest that you think about that--for yourself. If you don't like the person you have become, then that is reason enough to take care of yourself and change those behaviors. Whether or not he decides its something he needs to deal with, you should not let it affect you negatively.
You can't make him see the need to go to counseling. You can help guide him to the realization by talking to him about it. Its important that you do this in a non-argumentative, calm, everyday conversation way. Avoid making statements like "you need to go to counseling because...." Instead, frame your comments in terms of how his behaviors make you feel, and suggest that seeking help for himself will benefit both of you. When you keep your comments about you and your feelings, he can't get defensive and dismiss you. After all, they're your feelings, not an accusation directed towards him.
Seeking treatment in the military is no different than any other career field now. His treatment will be confidential, and it will only affect his career if his condition is truly debilitating enough to warrant it. If that's the case, he'll want to be in treatment, as he'll have a better chance of receiving some form of disability rating. Attempting to function untreated leaves him open to the possibility of a discharge with no benefits or some other less than ideal separation from service.
The main thing to remember is he must accept his circumstances before any treatment or counseling can begin. You can help him try to get there, but you can't force him to see it. Trying to do that will only make your relationship worse.
what makes it more difficult
Submitted by stillwater on
what makes it more difficult to seek professional help outside is finding a psychiatrist that speaks the language.
i had him read a text file of some of the posts i have read here in this site and he agreed that our situation is kinda similar. i think it will take a while before he admits he might have this problem. he actually already thought about it but he's still in denial.
we fought the night before i replied to arwen and after a long day of work, he said he thought about me all day and he invited me to come stay the night with him. he said i must've love him so much to stay after our fight and he felt sorry for treating me that way. it's like he's the incredible hulk, he cannot control his temper.
yesterday, he raised his voice again and he said either i leave or behaved well or he'll get angry again. i told him that i do have my feelings too. i am not a robot that he can program to do the things he wanted me to do. i told him that i always let him be whenever he feels sad or mad, but when it comes to me, i have no right to feel that way. i told him too that i accepted the bad things about him, so i hope he can do the same.
he got quiet and said sorry again. he was sweet the entire day and enjoyed it because we shopped for his clothes and watched a movie. he's like a kid! he even asked permission to play his video game after watching the movie. i notice that he's at peace whenever i give him what he wants...but it makes me feel neglected whenever i am not around. though he says he always think about me, it feels like he ignores me to fight this feeling. he says he feels so crazy whenever i am not around. i wonder if this is part of having an ADHD? i was told that some of them don't like being alone or being in an unfamiliar place?
again, thanks for your comments and i appreciate your help.
Stay or Go?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
While I agree with much of what has been commented on here, I'm going to take a different approach for you. Right now, this relationship is hurtful to you. You describe it at abusive, and say that you don't like the people that either of you have become under its influence. Furthermore, you are in significant disagreement about the long-term direction of the relationship around very major issues (marriage/kids/money - these are THE big issues and you're struggling on all three!). These things combined suggest that you need to step back from it for a while.
Yes, he may have ADHD, but the two of you do not currently have any good coping strategies in place for dealing with this. It doesn't do you any good to cut him some slack because of ADHD if neither of you can cope with it in any event. Things will just get worse. Getting some distance from each other may do any of the following: make him take his ADHD more seriously; demonstrate to you that he won't take his ADHD more seriously; help you feel better about yourself; help you make friends that you've lost; get you away from any feelings you have that it's your job to take care of him.
It's not your responsibility to fix him, and staying on longer seems to be increasing the number of difficulties you are having. If your overall goals seemed to be in synch I might suggest pursuing it further. But they're not.
Take a break, encourage him to get his act together in a meaningful way. Give him at least a year on his own to figure it out, because it's going to take time and effort. If he's figured it out during the year then you can talk about whether your goals might someday be similar if you're still interested in him. If he can't do it in a year or your goals still don't match, he's not very good marriage material and you should move on.
hi mellisa, thanks for your
Submitted by stillwater on
hi mellisa,
thanks for your comment. actually, i already broke up with him and i posted this dilemma also in another forum and it made me see it better. you guys expressed the same opinion.
anyway, he tried to get in touch with me last night. we broke up since friday because he humiliated me in facebook. that was the last straw. he is asking me to fix his laptop in exchange for the stuffs i have at his place. he is manipulating me! then i talked to his sister, from her words it turns out that what really made him change his mind of not committing to me is due to our differences in religious beliefs.
i cannot believe that! i mean, he was over it before then he seemed to trust what other people think of me. i think that is too judgmental, given that they do not know who i am. plus it sounded like she wanted me to embrace his beliefs too. i told her i accepted his brother for who he is and if he cannot, then maybe it's really not meant to be.
ADD & Anger/mood swings
Submitted by Jimmy_The_C on
This being the first time on the site and first post, I find it strangely coincidental in reading your story that I am neck deep in the struggles of my life and am trying to save what I thought to be a perfect marriage to my Filipina bride of 15 years. With three beautiful and talented kids 12, 9 & 4, and a wife who is now my sworn enemy, I don't know what to do either. I resisted and now resent my wife's insistence I be screened for ADHD. I've ingested 80mg of Adderal (amphetamine) per day for the last year. I'm a shell of my former self. Speaking from "the dark side" of the so-called ADHD abyss, I don't think you need to further your relationship with this man. If your relationship with this guy is 1/10th as bad as my wife tells me our is, it's headed nowhere. DON'T go there, it hurts more than I bargained for. I've tried to live my life with honesty and integrity, doing the right thing. I've gone to work, earned a decent wage, purchased a nice home and thought life was grand. I met my first life trainwreck head-on almost 18 years ago when I stopped drinking through the fellowship of AA. Depression has wracked me for years, but medication, AA, therapy allowed me to live an OK life. Now, I feel my self-confidence is shot, and I too react defensively to the least of threats perceived through my ADHD infected brain. I'm damaged goods and my Filipina has nothing to do with me. That's odd in a culture so closely tied to Catholic faith. She now wants our family to consist of her and the kids living in the home. I'm outside of the relationship, but living at the house still. We do not speak save the accusatory, blaming that is shouted in front of our kids. In Filipino, it's "tampo" on steroids. You don't need this. You sound young and far earlier in life than I am (50 on 12/18). Move swiftly and decisively away from the man. Neither of you need this. It sucks.
may i ask mr. jimmy, did you
Submitted by stillwater on
may i ask mr. jimmy, did you have yourself diagnosed when your wife told you?
your wife's tampo might have bottled up. she will not live with you if she didn't love you at all.
Was I diagnosed?
Submitted by Jimmy_The_C on
Not initially, I fought it for months. It took me by such a surprise. It started neary two years prior to my diagnosis. Our oldest son had some playground scuffles in school in his early years K-3. My wife reacted much differently than I did. She was alarmed and I took it as nothing that far out of normal. It started the heated discussions about ADHD and his evaluation. Well, that was the first step that put me off with regard to the condition. We brought my son to a specialty clinic of our health care and after a 30-minute interview with my wife and I, then my son, we leave with a prescription for Ritalin. It seemed so matter of fact. The doctor said "Of course he has ADHD." A few months later, my wife approached the subject, "You know, ADHD is hereditery, I think we should get checked, but you go first." I liken it to having the gun turret wheeled around and aimed right at me, and she was not going to let me ignore this. I felt a five foot hurdle was placed in front of me and the only way to stay married was to somehow get over it. I argued that if I did have ADHD, I would never be healed enough or I guess it would be, right minded again. I wanted to stay married, but the attacks started then. Angry? She turned angry all right. I didn't know where it was coming from. Before I gave in and found a highly recommended psychologist to administer the six hours of tests, my wife had me informally diagnosed based on the several books she had read. I became the sole reason for our horrible marriage (she even told me I was despicable before we married). I'm too critical, snap at her, shout when angry and the coup de grace, I don't do enough to help around the house and with the kids.
im sorry if your marriage
Submitted by stillwater on
im sorry if your marriage turned out that way. however i'm going to speak as a filipina as it could be a matter of "cultural" differences on how we approach our problems. we have a reputation of being submissive to their partners, and this is the reason why we endure a lot of pain or hurt and brush it off sometimes.
your reaction was the same as my ex's sister. she has been diagnosed with ADD as a kid, my ex told me. i'm not an ADDer to know how sensitive this discussion would be. i talked to her because i would like to tell her the tidbits of information my ex told me about his bottled up anger. it took a while before he opened up but there are more hidden emotions that i know would make him feel better if he opens up. i think she got mad at me. she was defensive during our conversation. i am not a professional to know if really my ex has ADD or not that's why i told her whatever is going on with him, it makes him feel agitated and uneasy around other people. she was telling me that i should know more about ADD and she's the person that could tell me her brother does not have it. but...could it be she's reacting too much because i am insinuating that their family has it? i really made it as tact as possible, cuz i have not met her personally and my ex told me she's sort of sensitive. but there's no easy way to say it and it must be really hard to accept the "accusation" (for lack of better term). i think it's not easy for both parties -- for the ADDer and the non-ADDer. it's no one's fault and we both feel helpless. i am not sure if there would ever be compromise in such relationship, cuz i felt there's no way i could talk over mine.
however, i found out that the issue my ex have is with me. not the things he is going through. her sister was kinda telling me that it might be "cultural" difference because according to her american men lack empathy (i told her that i believe that emotions have nothing to do with culture). i don't believe american men cannot empathize, except if she's admitting to herself she's not receiving much sympathy from her husband. it sounds really patronizing...but i cannot be angered. i am walking on eggshells and there's nothing i can do to convince the unwilling. after that she told me that as far as she knows, me and her brother have different beliefs. as if she is telling me two people of different background cannot fall in love with each other! i felt really more insulted by that.
she cried after the chat conversation and apparently she told her brother that she's crying. now her brother was asking me what happened. i told him to ask her. then she went on accusing me that i told something to her brother that messed everything up (between them). ugh...so enough. i cannot be entangled in this mess. if he does not like to do it or open up with me, fine. but i offered him help. he cannot tell me that i did not try to make things work.
american men aren't *taught* to empathize
Submitted by arwen on
OK, everybody, I understand that the title of this post is probably going to upset a lot of people. I'm very sorry if it offends anybody, and I freely acknowledge that it is a sweeping generality that does not apply to a lot of individuals, here and elsewhere.
I disagree with you, stillwater, I believe that culture has a great deal to do with emotions. I've done a fair amount of traveling to other parts of the world in my life, and I've seen clear cultural differences involvling emotion. Among many other things, a culture teaches one the "proper" way to deal with emotions. Some cultures encourage the suppression of emotions, others encourage the expression. Some cultures encourage certain emotions for men and certain different emotions for women. Some differentiate by age, some by status, etc. etc. In American culture (I mean in the USA), men are encouraged to suppress their emotional inclination to cry, but the emotional inclination to anger is to some extent encouraged. Women in the USA, however, are critized for getting angry, but the inclination to cry is considered OK for them. As a result, men tend to repress their feelings of being hurt, or when they can't, they translate them into anger, an "acceptable" emotion. For women, it's the other way around. This relates to empathy because repressing one's own emotions often undermines one's ability to recognize and understand other people's emotions.
Furthermore, a culture can teach kids as they grow up that emotions are or aren't important, in order to further the culture's goals. In the USA, our culture has deliberately downplayed the importance of emotions in general for men -- our culture admires the "strong silent type", and ridicules a "bleeding heart". As a result, men in general in the USA don't "waste" their time learning about emotions and are a lot more clueless about emotions than women, who are taught that emotions *are* important and are criticized if they aren't empathetic.
Please keep in mind that these are *generalizations* and do not apply to everyone!!! I'm trying to describe the general emotional characteristics of American culture.
I do agree that this doesn't mean that an American man can't *learn* to empathize. But I also think it's much harder to learn it late in life instead of when you're growing up. At any rate, it doesn't come with the cultural training -- in my experience, most American men who empathize readily either had the attitude that they didn't care at all what the culture was trying to impress upon them, or were raised in a household that strongly subscribed to a compassionate religious philosophy.
I do agree that this doesn't
Submitted by stillwater on
I do agree that this doesn't mean that an American man can't *learn* to empathize. But I also think it's much harder to learn it late in life instead of when you're growing up. At any rate, it doesn't come with the cultural training -- in my experience, most American men who empathize readily either had the attitude that they didn't care at all what the culture was trying to impress upon them, or were raised in a household that strongly subscribed to a compassionate religious philosophy.
hi arwen, the last statement was the message i was trying to say to my ex's sister. i think she is justifying why i am wrong into assumption that her brother has ADD. like i said, i didn't say i am certain, but how can she know if her brother does not have himself checked?
anyway, i have another question if someone could answer. do some of them tend to be manipulative? i am kind of thinking that maybe his sister is manipulating him in some way. reason i said that is because she cried to him after our chat. he confronted me about it. then she sent me an e-mail kind of accusing me i told something to her brother to make him mad.
my ex also said when their mother passed away, her sister begged her to sell his car to pay for the funeral expenses. my ex was broke and her sister is quite well-to-do because her husband has a decent job and she's working too. after that, she begged him to sell their house inherited from his mom. their mom verbally gave the house to him but because she didn't write a will, they had to split it. my ex cannot remember what papers he signed but he knows that his sister has total power of the house. the house has already been sold for a year now and until this day he has not received his money. some information retrieved online shows that the sister was on the deed and paid off trustee tax.
i know he trusts his sister but i have not met her at all to say she kept the money or spent it. just a curious question.