Should I stop trying to help him? (Not just ADHD)

Background: Hubby (42) has ADHD and anxiety (both only diagnosed 3 years ago, so lots of baggage too) as well as chronic pain and depression. I have been attending a Carer Support Group called GROW Better Together... based on the GROW program, but specifically for Mental Health Carers.

Please don't tell me this isn't just ADHD, I already know that. But ADHD and its late diagnosis is a major factor.

Hubby refuses to do any work on himself. So, he'll go along fine for a while, then there'll be a setback, I'll make some suggestions about how he could avoid getting so upset next time, try to get some commitment from him to working on himself, and then boom, he's even more depressed and withdrawn than before. And it's all my fault for trying!!!! :'(

Today, he was anxious because an old friend contacted him out of the blue on Facebook. She is someone who broke his heart without realising it (she used him - was borrowing his car, knowing he liked her, but borrowing it to go sleep with his friends... yeah just like that Offspring song, she doesn't know that he knows, he just buried it, never dealt with it.)

I spent 10 minutes on the phone with him, that went well. He had to go out to an appt, got him to drop around at work afterwards, everything fine, until I tell him how I feel that he relies on me so much and no one else... whenever he has a problem it's always me he turns to (and his oxycontin pills), and how GROW would help him and how I found out they've just opened a new group around the corner, and I could take him there.... and how if he would just resolve to get well (the second step of GROW's recovery program) it would help us both so much... and how I feel that he makes about an inch of progress every year, and it could be more like a foot if he would try.

So of course he shuts down completely, gets more depressed, will now go home and be depressed, probably use up the rest of his painkillers (demand them off me when I get home). He'll be low and suicidal and it's all my fault for trying to get him to want to be well.

Is something wrong with me?

Is there a better way to deal with this?

How the hell do you get someone to want to get better? The only progress we have made this year is because he reached such a low point, running out of his pain killers and being totally sleep deprived that he hallucinated and got put on a new med (anti psychotic) that has actually amazingly helped with his anxiety... but now his depression is sticking out like a sore thumb.

I am supposed to go away overnight for two nights next month - the first time we will be separated overnight since July 2003. God I need a break, but is it fair for me to leave the kids with him?

I don't know what to do ....