H and his 16 y/o daughter had a BAD BAD fight about 2 months ago and there hasn't been any contact between them since. Well at least not any contact that was returned. After about a month my husband texted her when he was at this conference showing her a picture of what he got her. She immediately wrote back "Aww you didn't have to do that"and it went back and forth a few times and then he said "I love you and I'll always be here for you". Then, apparently not realizing who she was talking to, goes "Is this Charlie?" He replies with "This is your dad". She never texted back. So she was carrying on this conversation not knowing who she was talking to. Obviously she must have erased his number and name from her phone because previous to this it always showed up as him.
I have not had any contact with her since then either, but H has asked me to text her to start a conversation. I would text her occasionally before this went down while at work if bored, but other than that never really spoke with her unless she was visiting. She doesn't seem to have a problem with me, but I really don't want to have to be the intermediate. She has a huge problem with H and no matter what I say to her she isn't going to care. She has basically wiped him out of her life and seems perfectly happy with that. He wants me to see if I can get her to talk to him. I'm sure she'll see right through that. Hell, when I took her back to her mom's after the huge fight they had she kept saying "Why are you doing this? Is it because HE told you to do it?" She sees anything I do for her being done because HE told me to.
Should I try texting her to see if I get a response or just tell him that the problems are between them and he needs to find a way to get through to her? He caused this between them. She was no angel either and came here with an attitude from the moment she walked through the door, but he did not act like the adult he should have and screamed just as much as she did. He says, of course, that it's not his fault and once again he's getting blamed for being the bad guy. He needs to apologize to her but I know he won't. He thinks buying her things and sending them to her will do the trick. He's got too much of an ego to take the balme for acting the way he did.
Should I text my stepdaughter on H's behalf?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 09/15/2014.
No.
Submitted by Standing on
No.
Mapper: don't be in the middle
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper, I understand that your husband wants you to do this for him, but it is his job to re-connect with his daughter. The daughter will see through your attempts, like she did before, and then just get angry with you AND him for it. I'm from a blended family, and have had to be the go-between myself, and let me tell you, it doesn't usually turn out well. Everyone ends up angrier than before, and nothing really gets resolved.
This is your husband's daughter, and HE needs to be the one who makes amends, if that's what he wants. With him being severely ADHD and not dealing with it, and with learning poor coping skills on top of that, it may be a while before his daughter is even ready to make amends. She sounds like she's been severely hurt, and hasn't dealt with her pain either. Blaming each other is the typical response in this scenario. I'm from a blended family myself, and none of my parents EVER made amends with us (we had 6 parents in all, 2 biological, 2 step parents, 2 adoptive parents) All were angry, abusive and blamed each other and us for their problems. Needless to say, it caused us a LOT of pain, so I have some idea where she's coming from.
It's very hard being in the middle of this, and I"m sorry you're in this position, but DON'T GET in the middle. Both sides will just end up blaming you instead.
Yes, I agree
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I was on the verge of texting her, but then didn't. What good is it going to do if she responds to me? It will just make him feel bad that she won't respond to him. It kills me too that he seems to think she's just going through a phase and says things like "Next time she comes up we'll make this for dinner" and "I hope she comes for Christmas". She doesn't want anything to do with you! Not now and most likely, not for a very long time, if ever. He can't just expect her view of him to change without him doing anything. He said his therapist told him to write her a letter, but I haven't seen it. I think he is just going to send her this XBox and hope that gets her attention. The night of the screaming match he caught her trying to pack it up and he told her no way was she going to take that, even though he had told her it was hers. I wouldn't be surprised if she sent it back or threw it out at this point.