I have been on this site many times over the years and felt both hope and despair based upon what I've read. Now after 15 1/2 years of being in a relationship and 10 years of marriage, I truly am ready to throw in the towel. My wife was diagnosed in 2001, based upon an ultimatum that I made. Being in the mental health industry, I knew that she had ADD and her symptoms were so bat that I wasn't willing to spend one more day with her if she didn't go get evaluated. Sure enough, she was diagnosed ADD and has been on several meds since then - but that's about it. She has been to life coaches, several counselors and they all do the same thing, give her tools to help structure her life, but she NEVER uses them. I do admit she's gotten much better with the inappropriate outbursts, now stopping in mid-sentence saying "sorry ADD moment", which is great, but I need more because the blame game and what I see as competitive tit-for-tat is always soon to follow. We constantly sport bicker, which I hate, mostly because of her un-empathetic attitude. .
Like countless numbers of other Non-ADDer's, my story doesn't vary much. She's worthless around the house, yard, kitchen, grocery shopping, terrible with money and ruining both our credit, secret loans, etc. She doesn't have a romantic bone in her body and intimacy has always been and issue, but when we do have sex, it is amazing, which has been the main reason I stayed after wanting to leave many times. BUT, four months ago she pretty much walked off the job and I was left to support us solely until she starting a new job a few weeks ago. We made an agreement that she would take care of the house and the cooking while she was out of work, but that only happened a few times. Mostly she just sat around being depressed and watching TV. During that time, what little of a flame I still carried for her flickered. Then when we went on our 10th wedding anniversary trip, which I paid for using business points from travel since our budget was now nil, disaster hit. We had received awesome news just a day before leaving. She was notified that she got a new job paying more money. Now we knew we could have a little more financial freedom on our trip and I was ready to celebrate. On the day of our anniversary, which was originally supposed to be a beautiful recommitment ceremony that we had been talking about for the last 10 years, now just a dinner out of town because of her unemploymet, we got into a fight because she acted like it was nothing special other than just a dinner out of town. We semi-made up, me giving up, and then we went to bed without touching each other. The next night, she offered to "take care of me", but didn't want to be pleasured herself, because "I'm too nervous for my job next week." Are you kidding me, you don't want sex all summer because your depressed, then you don't want it because you're too nervous about GOOD news on our 10th wedding anniversary vacation! The flame went out in that moment and I just can't get it back. That was all that was left good between us. I wish it was more than that at this point in our life together, but the sad truth is that is all I was clinging to.
The other thing is she is passionate about nothing. In the past she had a thing about tech-y items so I spoiled her with everything trying to make her happy. It did for a short while, but now she doesn't even play with her gadgets. Unlike the ADHDer's, my wife doesn't hyper-focus on anything and she has NO hobbies. Not one, unless you include bitching about both the good and bad things at her job. She has one friend that she sees a few times a year, but other than that its just me. I too have lost many friendships over the years due to taking a work from home job, however, I write, paint, workout, hike, bike, work on the house. She literally does nothing unless I nag her about it, which strangely she likes, but I am absolutely tired of.
I gave her another ultimatum today, find an ADD marriage counselor for us today or I'm done, this is follow up to a request to find one three weeks ago after our return from our trip. Now I'm wondering if I should just ask her to move out for awhile so she can be accountable for herself and I can stop the whole parent-child trap I'm in. So many of you have and I can't tell if it helps or it's just the last step before divorce.I do love her so deeply, but I don't want to be miserable the rest of life just to accommodate her and her unwillingness to take her illness seriously. Please help!