I just saw the touring "The Book of Mormon" musical in the theater. It was great and funny! So much of it I identified with. How I was TAUGHT to be who I was as a child in church to be afraid of hell and OBEY the rules....no matter who or what made the rules, I was conditioned to BELIEVE and TRUST them. I was not a Mormon but some of the "rules" were similar in my upbringing.
I always wanted to know what I SHOULD do.....as if others outside of myself were in charge of making sure I was doing what I was supposed to do. Even as an adult, I was attuned to finding who was in charge and what must I do to be "good" according to their rules. I was so afraid that I would do SOMETHING WRONG!!!!!!SIN!!!!!WRONG! I am ashamed of being weak-willed and not knowing what I want or getting what I need to be safe and sane and my SELF?
How do I give myself PERMISSION to live MY life after so many years believing that I must serve and be humble to EVERYONE ELSE (nice and unselfish)? I get to tell young people that if they give and give and give.....and don't let themselves know and practice with all their heart what makes them thrilled, excited, motivated, happy....that they will be like me one day feeling like I betrayed my self by giving my will and heart to EVERYONE ELSE'S WILL.
So now, how do I set out on a different path to take care of myself and become more aware of my own needs....after all, I don't want to be a resentful, negative, judgmental old woman. I thought I and God would be proud of me. But no, I am not surely proud of how I "stood by my man" and supported him and tried to make him happy and gave to family before I took for myself. I'm not PROUD. I am ashamed.
I WILL today and in the future, change my goals. My goal in life is not to try to be so good....obeying the rules that other people have made. My goal is to live life by my heart more often and other people's rules less often. I will be learning how to live my life fully and proudly. I will stop searching the internet trying to find "how to BE". And I will take the time and attention to listen to my own heart with courage to go against other's rules if need be.