shut down

I have been researching for over a year now the "  why " that is behind my shutting down towards my husband and marriage  .  Taking the shame and blame for over 35 years, of course , I still thought the problem was with me. Then a copy of Melissa's book came my way , and , BAM !  I'm sure you have all heard this thousands of times , but , it described my life and feelings to the letter . Imagine my relief ! I wanted to scream it from the roof tops ! I'm not crazy !! There is actually  a reason behind all of our heartache !!! It was as if this huge dark , abnormal , life-threatening , mind-grinding , bone -crushing , life - sucking mystery had been solved .

The first thing I did was to have my 17 year old son evaluated ( I had known he was struggling with something ...ADD never entered my mind ).  He is now on meds and they have made a difference in his academics and other areas in his life .

The next thing I did was to ask my 25 year old son to get evaluated . He did . He is in the process of going on meds. He has struggled with OCD for years and we are hopeful this may help him in that area.

I approached my husband carefully and asked him to read the book , which he did . He agreed to get evaluated , and he has . He was not happy with some comments that were made to him by the doctor and now he wants a second opinion . He is scheduled for more testing in the middle of December .  I've always known something was very off and very strange ...we've gone through counseling for devastating things that have happened in our marriage . I've been to Al-ANON meetings thinking that was the problem .  I've watched people adore this charming fun-loving  guy for years , all the while I was dying inside and shutting down emotionally .

My problem is that I am so shut down that I can't even talk to  him . I don't even want to be in the same room with him . I am so numbed to him that the idea of working together is incredibly overwhelming to me. He still thinks that I am trying to blame him for everything and find fault with him , so I don't even bring ADHD up anymore . Believe me when I say that I showed restraint when I did bring it up in the beginning . I am aware of all of his efforts to make our marriage better and that he has been trying so hard for so many years .  He is so discouraged .  We are both so sad and frustrated !

How do you talk to someone that you've been trying to protect yourself from for so many years ? How do you let yourself be vulnerable enough to risk ? How do open yourself up again ? I am so afraid that I'm way past being able to - even if I wanted to.  We are looking at a future that may include separating , which neither of us really want at this point in our lives . But the high cost of living with him -to myself - is more than I can bear .

Thank you for any insight and suggestions .