Hi,

I'm afraid this is a moan!! I've had a bloody awful couple of weeks. My partner recently had to come off his ADHD meds as he was experiencing side-effects and since then he has been depressed and paranoid. He thinks everyone is out to get him, me included. We keep on having massive screaming rows. Apparently everything is my fault as I am angry at him. He never stops to think that I am angry at him FOR A REASON. Like, he never listens to me. Or validates anything I say. Or takes me seriously. Or supports me. Or wants to spend time with me. Or contributes ANYTHING towards rent or bills. 

I have stuck this out through 5 years of drama (his alcoholism, ADHD diagnosis, depression, kid in another country, unemployment, irresponsible driving, threats of violence, you name it). I kept on thinking things would get better, once he sobered up, once he dealt with his ADHD diagnosis etc etc etc etc. However although he is now dry and has a new career, nothing is better between us. I am basically beating on a dead horse. Have been for years. I am just SICK to the very core of my being of never being listened to or having any attention paid to me at all. 

After he got his ADHD diagnosis a couple of years ago, I realised it was a massive deal and that he might need time to come to terms with it,so I gave him time. He went to see an ADHD coach on his own, and with me. Seemed like really helpful couples therapy at the time, but since we stopped going, he has stopped doing everything that the therapist advised. Like literally, he is not doing even one single thing that we agreed on during counselling. I've tried fixing things by myself but it is an impossible task.

I've been going to Codependents Anonymous which has helped me start trying to detach, set boundaries etc. But good grief, I am struggling just to make it through the day at the moment. I wish I had the resolve and mental clarity to know that leaving him is the right thing to do but I don't. In fact whilst on the one hand we are constantly arguing, on the other hand we are buying a house and trying for a baby together (unsuccessfully it has to be said). I feel like I am losing the plot. He is constantly gaslighting me. And bulldozing me. My behaviour is pretty crap too in fairness but I am aware of it and am trying to do something about it. He has no awareness of his own lousy behaviour. In fact, absolutely zilch has changed in his world view over the last five years of the relationship. Five years ago, he was saying that the problem in the relationship is that I am always "attacking him" and need to shut up. Five years on, exactly the same thing!!! I am at a loss what the hell to do. Just make it through the next 5 minutes I guess.

Sorry to vent. Hopefully tomorrow morning everything will be slightly less horrendous. Best wishes to all of you out there wading through the same quagmire of excrement. Solidarity, eh?