I am at my wits end.  I have been reading melissa's blog for 2 days now...things are so clear to me

1/2 our roof needs replacing...becuase of damage and the insurance will cover it...he wants to replace the other half, but we have no financial head space to do it...I am currently in charge and he knows the state of our finances.

DH: it will help us sell in 3 years

me: sure, but since we have more time then money at the moment, we can wait and replac e it later should we choose to.  Right now, we need to be safe with the money and make sure we have the ability to combat an emgergency (like a bad boiler).  We are a lot more stressed too, when money is super tight, so I think the new roof is a want not a need and we should not do this now

DH: just answer the question...will it help us sell in 3 years

me: yes, but since we have a long time horizon, we do not need to do it right now, and I thinkw e should be more consertative.

Dh: I just wante dto raise th eidea of a new roof and we were unable to do that

*signs out of chat session*

Back before I understood that ADD makes people impuslive with spending, I would have said "yeah ok...whatever"

but now that I see th emoney, I know we cannot really do this now..but to him, this is a catastrophic communication failure.  I have been giving myself a lot of space to forgive him for all the past issues, reading this site and peoples responses, but not feeling like I can talk to him yet about all this...

and today, I get sucked into the maelstrom and AGAIN our failure to communicate is my fault.  Now, I don't want to go home. 

My opinion is that if you are

My opinion is that if you are in charge of the finances and that is what you both agreed on then let it go. Stand your ground...if you cannot afford it..or it wouldn't be financially smart to do so, then just stand your ground and do not argue about it. Yes, he got mad...and essentially blamed you for a lack of communication when (to me) it seems it was merely he didn't get his way, the answer he wanted, so he got mad and withdrew. That's OK. I would just say "yes, it would help us sell in three years..that is correct..but we simply cannot afford it right now"

...and I relate to the 'stress levels higher/everyone in a worse mood' when money is tight scenario too...so why make things worse?

My husband gets mad and won't speak to me over money issues like this a lot...I let him have his space, be upset, feel whatever he wants to feel about it (usually that it is somehow my fault that he cannot buy what it is he's wanting), but I don't let it guilt me into doing what he wants...which is his ultimate goal, I feel. I KNOW when we can and cannot afford things, I am 100% responsible for paying bills. If we can afford it...even if it makes us have to stretch thinner for a week or two...I am trying to just let it not be an issue and let him have what it is he wants. BUT, if we truly cannot afford it, we just can't...and I endure his cold shoulder and attitude towards me (and sometimes sarcastic comments) until he gets over it. Whatever. It's better than losing sleep over how I'm going to feed the kids...and it is 100% ADHD. (impulsivity, desire for instant gratification, compulsivness-wanting something and having no peace until he gets it...and there is hell to pay for anyone who stands in his way).

Suze Orman

Have you seen Suze Orman's show?  she has a segment called, "Can I afford it?"

You can ask her - that way it's not YOU saying 'no'.

I am the ADD wife, and my husband and I don't argue about large purchases anymore (well, because we are so broke these days the answer is always 'no').  for the last 3 years or so we always say, "What would Suze say?  I think she'd say 'DENIED!!!'

This way, we're not blaming each other if a purchase is made or not made and something turns out badly because of it.