My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He has adhd and is very stubborn. He doesn't apologize for anything. He uses the silent treatment often and for long periods of time when I don't agree or do what he wants. I do not have adhd, but I do have anxiety and depression.
So yesterday was my 35th birthday. I worked all day and came home to my husband who works from home. He offered to take me to dinner for my birthday, and I said sure. He had a stuffy nose and just had his toenail clipped by a podiatrist to prevent infection. I could tell he wasn't in the best of moods. We went, and in the middle of dinner stated that when we returned home that evening we would be vacuuming the house. He claims that is the cause of his stuffy nose. I shot him the look of death and couldn't believe he was focusing on himself. (Side note. This is not atypical, he likes to 'be the boss' and then expects me to jump to do what he says. I don't normally jump - I say, anything that comes out of your mouth for me to do, you can skip that step and do it yourself.") He picked up my look and starting saying that when he asks me to help do something, it shouldn't be a big deal. I said, "it's my birthday and I would appreciate not being asked to vacuum the house in the middle of dinner." The rest of dinner was silent.
On the drive home, he starts to accuse me of not caring about his ailments and taking care of him. I have taken great care of him when ill but he doesn't remember that and claims that he takes better care of me when I am sick than I do him. I said that I wasn't going to fight over this and that it is another case where we do not agree on everything. He then started driving very fast. He 'road rages' with me in the car to show that he is angry. I told him to slow down and at least turn on the high beams so we can see the deer we will most likely hit on the way home. (we live in a wooded area with deer everywhere).
He did not listen to me. He told me to shut up.
When we got home, he proceeded to lie on the couch and do nothing. I did a few dishes, some laundry, and then went to bed. No words exchanged. He got into bed and went to sleep.
Normally, he is very affectionate and 'snugs' me and tells me he loves me. When he is mad, he withholds affection. And this morning the silent treatment continued. Before I left for work, I asked him how his toe was. He doesn't acknowledge my presence or turn around. He said, 'it hurts.' I asked why he isn't looking at me. He said he doesn't need to. I said, "ok, well if you feel you need to play the silent treatment game, to feel free. I am not participating in this and that just because we don't agree on everything, it doesn't mean this game needs to be played." No answer. I left the house and said sarcastically, "I had a spectacular birthday, one I won't soon forget."
This type of interaction happens often and there is never resolution. No sorrys. He instead says we need therapy. I agree. I told him I'm ready to go with him to his therapists appointment to get started. The appointment doesn't ever get made.
I am open to advise. Some of it may be me, but in my journals, I notice the patterns of this. I don't even know what to call it. HELP :-)