I am doing what I have always urged my children to do: Make a decision, take no action, then mentally sit with it for a while to see if it the best bet.
I do not want to fall into either of these categories - Silver splitters or Grey Divorces. They apply to folks getting a divorce after 25 or 30 years of marriage. I discovered both of these terms - just today - as I tried to understand what to do, and how to do it.
It was painful to Google: What is the first thing to do in getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage.
A divorce is not the end I thought I would get.
I see a mixture of both panic and anger in my spouses eyes. I haven't slept well since mid-December. I literally just cannot take it anymore. After trying the 5 millionth way to get near any conflict issue, or any hope of renegotiating our relationship, I failed. Yelled at. Swore at. (I despise the "F" word. Throw one at me and the discussion is over.) Not one hope of my thoughts validated. Not one hurt acknowledged.
This will not fix anything by tomorrow. It is still a long drawn out process. The tension is thick. The anger is thick. My own panic mode of communication "what do I say, how do I say it, never mind, I cannot put myself through this anymore." Not the place I choose to stay.
In anger he threw words at me a few days ago, "Do I leave or do you leave?"
I am not a sneaky person. I do nothing behind his back. I just cannot fathom the difficulty in getting past this discussion of "I am really done. I have had it. I want - OUT.
I spent 4 years as part of this forum hashing and rehashing and rehashing.
I try to talk to him or explain and say anything - and I get yelling, and defensive ness and told all the reason he is correct in what he does.
I accept that. I do NOT accept he is a person with behavior I want to live with or share a life with. Not anymore. It is literally ripping my heart out.
I got my own emotional business done - have thought long and hard. The emotional business of the "marriage" - that there will take some mourning. How can a person get to finish all their emotional business if the other half of it will not?