Hello everyone.
Just wanted to run something past you...get some input. This is probably a dumb question, but have you found that spouses with ADHD have incredibly skewed perceptions of reality? I.E. My husband insists that I had it easy over the last 20 odd years...that my world was "smaller" than his and I had less to do...that he had way more to deal with than I because he worked outside the home and had to commute, deal with traffic AND take care of the house, me, kids etc etc. When he said that I was flabbergasted. I really wanted to laugh but couldn't....too amazed. :) I raised three kids with needs, ran a house, dealt with his ADHD/OCD and my own serious health issues and on and on...and my world wasn't as difficult?? Man oh man oh man....I'm still stunned...wondering where he got those rose-colored glasses.
Is his world an alternate reality or what?? It's like science fiction...
perceptions
Submitted by Steph on
No Flower Lady, it isn't you. Its them....they do have a skewed perception of reality. WAAAAY skewed!
:-) or :-( depending on the day and your ability to laugh at it.
My husband's version of skewed perceptions
Submitted by Sueann on
Soon after we married, my husband lost his job (for a very ADD reason), and didn't work fulll-time again for almost 3 years. I had 2 jobs that summer. I couldn't drive: my transmission had gone out and I am unable to drive a manual transmission car like he had. So he drove me to work, picked me up from the day-shift job and brought us dinner to eat together-in the car, in a park, or in the breakroom of my second shift job on rainy days. Everyone thought I was so lucky to have a husband that cooked.
I would get home at night 14 hours after I'd left, exhausted, wanting nothing more than to eat a bowl of ice cream (since dinner was 6 hours before) and go to bed. There would never be a clean bowl or spoon. I would get mad at him for not doing the dishes while he was at home all day. He said "I'm not making you wash the dishes. If you choose to wash dishes so you can have your bowl of ice cream, that's not my fault, it's your choice." I also got "If you choose to wear clean clothes to work every day, that's nothing to do with me. I don't have to do your laundry."
He still defends that logic even after 2 years of ADD meds and marriage counseling. Oh, well, at least he's working now.
Ha! I've called that things
Submitted by Clarity on
like double standards, extremes and contradictions... it really is some sort of anomaly isn't it, and it always makes him look good... there's no true standards, they undulate to accommodate him.
It would be pretty shady if he didn't really believe he was actually living an honest life. I guess he's sincere but, he's sincerely wrong... It's like science fiction all right! Beam me out!
skewed perceptions
Submitted by ccompton on
It is so funny because I haven't had time to get on this website for about a week or so then when I get on I see this blog. It just happened last night. My husband said that he would take the kids more often and "let" me to stay at home, if the house would be clean when he got home. I just looked at him in disbelief, complete utter disbelief. I could not believe he said that and told him so with a few choice words. He just went on about his business, went upstairs for 15 or 20 minutes and then came back down like nothing happened. I was so mad, disappointed, disgusted, etc. my face was tingley. When I told him how upset I was, he said that that is not what he said and that I am always looking for reasons to get mad. I told him that I was done. I am not sure what I meant by that. He told me to just leave and go stay with my mom. Years ago, I just may have done that. I won't now. His intimidation tactics will not work anymore. He has all of the signs and symptoms of a person with ADD but refuses to acknowledge it and furthermore do NOTHING about the crazy things he does or says.
Wow....
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I think we're all married to the same guy!! LOL I just love the look they give you after you've confronted them...that "why are you ticked off at me?" look...yep...like nothing happened at all. There's that alternate reality thing....like they're living on planet Vulcan while you're feet are firmly planted on earth, and the memory problem! It's like you want to grab some defibrillator paddles and shock them back to the real world...oy!
Now I just laugh...my husband is so far out in left field he's not even in the game anymore....I'm just counting down the days now.
ooh
Submitted by Steph on
And how about that "I never know why you're mad at me" thing. Really? I tell you in specific detail that is broken down to simple pieces so as to not confuse you. My way of speaking has become so simplified and to the point that people must look at me in the store and other public places like I am a preschool teacher or something.
Preschool
Submitted by Almost Over Now on
Yeah no kidding. I feel like my verbal skills have gone down the toilet because I've gotten so used to talking to him in the simplest possible way so he can understand things. And even then he believes what he wants to believe and hears what he wants to hear.
Haha
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Haha...you made me laugh on that one. Thanks, for recapturing those moments that I can now find some humor in. Even my youngest daughter who is 9 acts more mature, and gets it. Talk about cutting oneself off from society too. I just found it easier to prevent public humiliation, by avoiding as much as possible to go anywhere in public with him. We did alot of take-outs for meals. lol I used to be an independant outgoing person. Now I feel like a recluse. I have to brush up on my own social skills, but looking forward to getting back out there again.
And then some!
Submitted by Astrea on
"I've always been supportive of your depression." No, he told me we couldn't afford a counselor. "I've never pressured you about housework." Actually, he told me if I couldn't keep the house clean to go back to work so we could hire a housekeeper. "You've always refused to go back to work." I've gone back to work twice since our son was born, once so that he could be a stay at home father. (Yeah, I don't know what the hell I was thinking either.) "I always put you & our son first." He left us in a crappy old house with no hot water and no heater in the middle of winter to help his parents repair a fence. All he had to do was relight the pilot light.
Then there's the millions of little things. "We can't afford to replace that." Then two hours later he rings and tells me that he's going to play poker with a friend and he's taking double the amount of money I needed. "Hey, I've invited P over, you two are such good friends!" I barely knew the girl and once she arrived and he'd made us coffees, he vanished, leaving us to stare at each other awkwardly.
But my favourite was "You only want someone who'll give you money to buy whatever you want without question." Yes of course. That's why I'm with someone who was so good with finances that his pay ended up going into my bank account. That's why I managed to run a household on HALF of what he made while his money went - well, we still have no idea. (He was barely scraping min wage & I was on a traineeship) That's why my father has helped us out financially to the value of house deposit. Let's not forget how the few occasions I've let him use my credit card for groceries or to pay a bill, he's ended up coming home with a luxury item that means we're eating toast and two minute noodles until payday. And that it's screwed up the payment systems we have in place for bills, so I'm going to renegotiate with the companies, not to mention the strain it's going to put on our budget until we're caught up.
Sorry, I really didn't mean that to turn into a rant.
Man oh man, are the
Submitted by mixedup on
Man oh man, are the perceptions skewed. I reached my limit and told him that I was going to a counselor with or without him. His response, "good, maybe she will teach you how to contribute to our marriage". Let's see, I'm the breadwinner, pay the bills, do all the housework, cook (I even prepare his dinners ahead of time when I travel), wash dishes, home repairs. He mows the grass (and snow blows in winter), and believes that more than makes up for everything else. Sorry to rant. I've been working on my codependency and trying to let go of my anger, but with that response he's lucky I didn't chase him down with the skillet!
Yes! Same here!
Submitted by hotdog1970 on
This comment during his last temper tantrum just floored me. I suggested we go back to a marriage counselor to help us communicate better and this was his response: "Going to that marriage counselor was the worst thing I could have done. I was happy before that and miserable after." Ummmm you were so miserable before that you asked for a divorce. He just didn't like that the therapist was "on my side" which is code for, validated my feelings and gave me a voice in the marriage.
i so thought it was real
Submitted by happycamper13 on
i so thought it was real until he moved out. i thought i was unappreciative and lazy. wow, was i circling the drain or what? it can be so subtly abusive...so uninintentional yet so undermining. i still struggle a little and have to gut check myself and my selective memory.
Yep, yep, yep
Submitted by BreadBaker on
Same here. He had me convinced that I was the crazy, demanding, delusional one . . . until he left, I began to trust my own instincts again, and I realized just how strange his perceptions were. He's still steeped in denial, and since he left has gone around telling everyone these bizarre stories about what went on in our marriage. They float back to me from time to time, and I'm just shocked and incredulous and how skewed his version of reality is. If he didn't have ADD, I'd say that I'm dealing with a husband who fell out of love with his wife and is making up stories to justify leaving--i.e., making me out to be the baddie--but the more I learn, the more I realize that it's more complicated than that. It really is an "ADD thing."
I've caught him in so many lies that I lost count long, long ago. It's difficult to see where the line lies between "pathological lying" and "skewed perceptions," as even he has admitted to me that he's lied to me often, about things both little and big, and that I'm right not to trust him. But then he'll insist that his views of a certain situation are "the" views, and that I'm crazy for thinking otherwise.
It's enough to drive a sane person to the nearest funny farm. The only cure when they're this bad is to detach and stay away. Otherwise, you'll lose yourself in their crazy-making and throw your life into the black hole of their mental disorder. Sad, but unfortunately true. I should note that I don't think this is the case with ADDers who are self-aware, self-reflective, and genuinely committed to working with their disorder along with their partners (and for those who have partners who are willing to take responsibility for their part in the problem as well--codependency, lack of boundaries, overly-critical nature, etc.). I'm talking about the sufferers who just won't budge on that "there's nothing wrong with me, and it's all your fault" mentality.
The biggest blessing to my peace of mind was to get him into a therapy session with me and a therapist who understands the workings of the ADD brain. She put a few issues to us, and just sat there and observed. After the session (I say "the" because I could get him to go to exactly one), she pointed out so many bizarre reality skews that he was throwing out--many of which I didn't see myself. Later, she was able to speak with his therapist (who doesn't "get it" that he has ADD) to see if she could gain any insights into his treatment, and was flabbergasted at the bizarre stories my husband had been telling his doctor about me and the marriage. My therapist's diagnosis: He's a lost cause. Divorce him, run for the hills, and don't look back.
I was shocked--this isn't what therapists are "supposed" to advise. She made an exception because the case was so extreme. Ouch.
I hate giving up on anyone, but I've given up on him. He'd rather live in la-la land, where he's never wrong, and the "other" always is. I feel sorry for him--especially because he's going through an incredibly rough time right now with his family, beyond just dealing with the ADD--but I have to stay away for my own safety and sanity. I want to be there to help him, to comfort him, to "be there" for him and to remind him that he is loved. It's driving me crazy to think of him suffering so much, and to stay away. I've lost sleep worrying about him, but I just can't go near him. I tried once--exactly once--a couple of months ago, to help him through his troubles, and it was like trying to hug a rabid, wild animal. Being nice to him only gets me hurt and "punished" further. The way he acted towards me was so horrible and abusive that I get panic attacks when I hear from him now, or when I even think of having to interact with him.
I may be a man with an ADHD
Submitted by mike62082 on
I may be a man with an ADHD wife but I can completely relate to EVERY comment in this thread. My wife will even insist that something happened five minutes earlier that didn't. Before I found this site I too was questioning my own sanity until I discovered that this type of thing was a symptom of ADHD. To do absolutely everything in a relationship, cooking, cleaning, fixing, shopping, working 60 hours a week, and still waiting on her hand and foot just in an attempt to try to provide her with an environment free from stress and hoping it will allow her to better sort out and organize her cluttered mind, only to hear things like, "i need a break" and "i can't do everything myself", is enough to make someone loose their sanity. After three years of this I am still trying to find a way to help her acknowledge her issues and seek help with me but even the slightest suggestion that she may have a single fault is only met with rage and anger. This site has at least helped me to keep my sanity. Discovering I am not alone and I am not imagining this.
fantasy land
Submitted by ccompton on
I am right there with you. I am, however, trying to break my codependence behaviors that I and my husband have grown accustomed to. My mother says that my husband lives in a fantasy land where he is the only person that matters, exists and knows everything. My mom has stayed with us a few times off and on but ends up staying with my niece because she hates to see the crap that I put up with. I don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I stay with him because it is my choice. Anyway, I have felt like I was losing my mind many, many times and doubting myself constantly. When I met my husband, I saw him as this wonderful, GOOD, God-fearing, confident, smart man. He is all of these things and more but the bad thing is that I thought of him as better than me. I was just graduating college, had 1 failed marriage and 2 kids. He took that image of myself and ran with it. I don't think that it was intentional, maybe an ADD symptom. My opinions, my thoughts, the way I did things was all wrong, or in his words "that is just ridiculous". I just wish that I had a stronger backbone and realized that I am not crazy, my opinions matter, people actually look up to me and ask me for advice, blah, blah, blah. That is what I am working on now. It truly sucks that we are all in this position, but atleast we have forums like this to let others know that they are not alone.
oh, the "i can't do everything myself" refrain
Submitted by happycamper13 on
mike62082 - yes...the perception that they are "carrying more than their share of the load" is maddening. the funny thing for me is that I sometimes believed my spouse because he does actually try to be 50% or better at home (and thinks he is). then he moved out and i realized that it's not fair to compare when he creates 200% more chaos to manage.
eg. (and i'm trying to laugh as i write) - i have organized our (his) home office to at least 75% completion, probably 5 times in the last 5 years. his method of helping me with the last 25% is to wait six months, then remove everything from the room, rearrange furniture and start it all over. then he leaves it about 20% complete, crap all down the hallway and in the guest room, until i go get it back up to at least 75%. that last 25% we never get to is his administrivia, or some mutual admin we should work on together. suffice it to say, i manage our household from my laptop by myself, with a few papers in my own desk, and rarely set foot in that disaster of an office. he chases his tail and claims he can't really contribute to the household admin or run his business because he needs an organized office to do that. (read: organized his way, but he won't do it - eternally paradoxical excuse :) he claims to hate it, and fantasizes that he will someday get past the furniture and carpets and deal with the actual stuff, at which time he will suddenly be organized and on top of our finances and future. hehe. usually his plan is largely contingent on my willingness to hold his hand or do it for him while he watches. (he does this with lots of rooms by the way, he's a re-arranger.)
he will take this argument in circles with me ad infinitum. it all makes perfect sense to him....for five years now. until recently, it's somehow been my fault that our albatross still follows us, carrying reams of paper and junk. at least it's all going to change soon...not him...but the circumstances around that office. he doesn't live here right now, and soon i likely won't either. and it's undetermined if we will live together again. being on my own and having support has been really eye-opening. i still feel a little crazy, but at least it's my own brand. i agree with you, thank God for these boards, eh?
Most of the other symptoms
Submitted by mike62082 on
don't let it chip away
Submitted by happycamper13 on
mike - you seem to be wrapping your brain around this situation, and i know that can take some time. just don't let yourself fall into the trap of seeing yourself the way she's sees you...or the way you think she sees you. behavior like hers can erode your sanity, your self, and your confidence until you don't even recognize yourself. you deserve to be appreciated for who you are...much less for all you do for your mate. i wish you the best of luck. i'm not there, but reading your various posts, it sounds like you are in a pretty abusive environment. just realize that the fact that she might love you or need you, or that you love her and empathize with her, doesn't protect you from abuse. we're all here for you, and you are NOT failing her, or your marriage, by saving yourself and asking for what you deserve from your relationships. hugs, man, for real...you could probably use a few.
Thank you happycamper. You
Submitted by mike62082 on
checking back in with you mike62082
Submitted by happycamper13 on
hey there. it's been a while since i posted here. i found some great support for some specifics i'm dealing with (infidelity with my partner likely fathering a child by her), so i've been surviving there more than here for a couple of months.
the isolation is the most dangerous part. mike, if you don't have great support validating your sanity, your abusive mate will literally change who you think you are. years ago, i spent some time in a verbally abusive, controlling relationship with a boyfriend. he loved me, and his control was insidious, hard to detect. he was a sweet young man, broken from those things that break people (alcoholic mother, etc). he slowly undermined all the confidence for which i'm so well known. i was totally isolated at the time and it nearly killed me. i believed (and in some cases became) so much of what he said, even as i doubted it subconsciously. i walked on eggshells and slowly disintegrated. a counselor and a few timid friends finally let me in on what i couldn't see. i fought it until i couldn't anymore. and you know what, i didn't die without him like i thought. he didn't either. we don't speak, but did recently make amends via email deciding that we were two good people who brought out the worst in each other, and left it at that, peaceful. he initiated it. i never expected that from him, according to him i was pretty much satan incarnate when i left him.
fast-forward to now, in a new situation with my husband, who i thought was the love of my life and soft place to land. if i was isolated, i'd be 400% more nuts right now (or dead). my counselor (a new guy i could disregard if i wanted to justify)... our old marriage counselor who is totally awesome, blunt and trustworthy to me, plus ALL of my friends, are keeping me from letting him move back in. he can manipulate me....with sweetness, guilt, neediness, promises, lots of things. when our old marriage counselor told me he needed to be out for a LONG LONG time to get his act together and prove himself if this was ever going to work again...and that i needed to plan for it not to, it was a complete shock coming from her. she'd always treated us like we had a real chance, though she did tell me privately once, "girl, you've got your hands full." until then i thought i was likely more than 50% of the problem. after these last shenanigans, she's looking more to protect me now than help our marrriage, i think. her opinion and warmth are meaningful and telling to me. she seemed relieved that i had made him move out and was back to working on myself and caring for my daughter.
we can't see what they do to us, mike. don't be afraid to ask your friends what they think (even if they aren't close by). sometimes they have very telling insights and opinions they haven't shared out of respect until you ask. these people we love, they can be good hearted, well intentioned but weak and ineffective. i'm also afraid my spouse will deteriorate immeasurably if he loses hope in us reconciling. i'm literally afraid he will die (drink/drive/drug/whatever). i'm afraid my daughter will end up either literally or figuratively with no father. but i can't save him, and i guess trying is what led me here. i could probably keep him alive - and likely watch myself die in the process.
keep fantasizing about that life on your own. see if you can get more and more used to the idea. each time you apologize for something you didn't do, feel yourself detach a little more, then a little more, then a little more. also, you need some support...professionally, and here is good too. given what you are going through, you probably no longer have any idea how much you are worth, or how much you could be appreciated by others who aren't so ill. i hope you are doing ok.
i don't really know you, so my advice is worth whatever it's worth to you. just know there are lots of people out here who care.
Thank you happycamper. Once
Submitted by mike62082 on