Every time I end up sleeping on the couch while he is snoring away in the bedroom like a fight didn't happen I always feel like, "Shouldn't he be the one sleeping on the couch." I have trying a lot harder to use more follow through when we have conflict lately. So, rather than sleepily trying to work through ridiculous arguments where he doesn't even understand the true problem anyway and wants to hyper focus on the small details that are irrelevant I leave the room. I still wonder how he does not instantly realize how bad that is.
I hate where we are right now. I keep going over the reasons I want to be with him, or rather trying to convince myself any of them matter. But more and more I just feel like I want to throw in the towel. Every time I try to talk to him about it he tries to shut the conversation down. His voice becomes almost condescending and he says, "don't be like that. Why do you always have to go there?' As though I am just flippantly saying these things. But it doesn't matter the presentation, the time of day. He will never listen to it. The closest I get is that "he won't let me." I just feel like as much as we have a shared vision of the future... Im the only one that will ever put any work into it. He always says "Im trying." But words are so easy. I don't want to hear him talk anymore. I want him to show me. I want him to show me that he has done any of the things I have asked him to. But instead of addressing important things, he just addresses more recent/less important things. I have asked him for longer than I care to admit to get his bank to send transaction statements so I can visually see what has been happening with his money for the last six months (Now probably more like 9). I even gave him an ultimatum, which he said wasn't an issue and would get done. Then as time ticked on and I would remind him, he acted like I was crazy to have to remind him all the time. Now the deadline has past and he wants to argue about what I originally said the deadline was.
Unfortunately, during a period where things were going well we had decided to start trying for a second child and I am now pregnant. So, ultimatum or not its a lot more complicated now. Especially considering how incapacitating this pregnancy has been so far. And it just seems to bring out more of the problems. I told him, "I need you to step up now. I have been doing more than my share for a long time and now I can barely do my share." He seemed to be supportive of it... but I still feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like he is a black hole for money. I feel like I will have to do everything forever if i remain with him. I feel like I will never be able to follow my aspirations as long as I have to take care of him. I feel like he fights me on every god forsaken thing on the planet.
The argument that I had to walk away from tonight was about whether he knew a particular song or not. Its so stupid and irrelevant to anything. But its to the point where I can't just let him bully me about all these stupid little detail things. If its irrelevant I need him to be able to act like it is instead of completely shutting down my perspective.
I guess it just boils down to two things tonight. One everything is a fucking ego battle with him. He HAS to be right. Its all or nothing there is no room for both people to have valid points or perspectives. And if I think something else... its like Im calling him stupid or saying Im better than him. Then the defensiveness rears its ugly head, which I LOATHE. Its just a different opinion half the time. Its fucking ridiculous. Everything is so black and white and absolute with him. Secondly, I feel like I am not getting the emotional consideration I deserve. Lately, there has been this trend of perpetual emotional blackmail. I feel bad. I am miserable in my life and marriage right now. But when I try to bring it up or want some kind of affection or really any indication that my feelings are heard or thought about its like "Im such a debbie downer I keep him from feeling motivated to try" God damnit that stuff pissed me off. He was away half this month doing his reserves training. I took the time to kind of breathe and try and regain some positive thoughts and actions towards him. I bought us tickets to a concert of a band we liked when we first started dating. I bought him an Ipod touch so that he could try to use some of the apps to help him stay organized with school and home life. I even bought him a replacement ring for our anniversary because his broke. And within days of him coming home its on me again. Its always on me. He is always trying. And I never see any of the results of this supposed action. When's the last time he had any kind of consideration like that for me?
Anyway, I guess from where I sit right now. I don't see a lot of options. I believe I need to see out this pregnancy with him and that our recent move may allow us a little more space to bond and heal our relationship. But I don't expect any change. I really don't. I am making plans for our split so that when enough time has passed and enough things have settled that it can happen quickly and smoothly. I have no intention of dragging this out longer than I have to. But I do feel that my children deserve for their parents to put in a little extra effort to try and repair themselves than if they were not a consideration. I am glad that I am showing more follow through with my actions towards him. I am thinking some alternatives might be to get a bed for the extra bedroom for now so that when these nights happen or he doesnt follow through that I dont have to settle for the scratchy couch.