Sleeping on the Couch again...

Every time I end up sleeping on the couch while he is snoring away in the bedroom like a fight didn't happen I always feel like, "Shouldn't he be the one sleeping on the couch." I have trying a lot harder to use more follow through when we have conflict lately. So, rather than sleepily trying to work through ridiculous arguments where he doesn't even understand the true problem anyway and wants to hyper focus on the small details that are irrelevant I leave the room. I still wonder how he does not instantly realize how bad that is.

I hate where we are right now. I keep going over the reasons I want to be with him, or rather trying to convince myself any of them matter. But more and more I just feel like I want to throw in the towel. Every time I try to talk to him about it he tries to shut the conversation down. His voice becomes almost condescending and he says, "don't be like that. Why do you always have to go there?' As though I am just flippantly saying these things. But it doesn't matter the presentation, the time of day. He will never listen to it. The closest I get is that "he won't let me." I just feel like as much as we have a shared vision of the future... Im the only one that will ever put any work into it. He always says "Im trying." But words are so easy. I don't want to hear him talk anymore. I want him to show me. I want him to show me that he has done any of the things I have asked him to. But instead of addressing important things, he just addresses more recent/less important things. I have asked him for longer than I care to admit to get his bank to send transaction statements so I can visually see what has been happening with his money for the last six months (Now probably more like 9). I even gave him an ultimatum, which he said wasn't an issue and would get done. Then as time ticked on and I would remind him, he acted like I was crazy to have to remind him all the time. Now the deadline has past and he wants to argue about what I originally said the deadline was.

Unfortunately, during a period where things were going well we had decided to start trying for a second child and I am now pregnant. So, ultimatum or not its a lot more complicated now. Especially considering how incapacitating this pregnancy has been so far. And it just seems to bring out more of the problems. I told him, "I need you to step up now. I have been doing more than my share for a long time and now I can barely do my share." He seemed to be supportive of it... but I still feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like he is a black hole for money. I feel like I will have to do everything forever if i remain with him. I feel like I will never be able to follow my aspirations as long as I have to take care of him. I feel like he fights me on every god forsaken thing on the planet.

The argument that I had to walk away from tonight was about whether he knew a particular song or not. Its so stupid and irrelevant to anything. But its to the point where I can't just let him bully me about all these stupid little detail things. If its irrelevant I need him to be able to act like it is instead of completely shutting down my perspective.

I guess it just boils down to two things tonight. One everything is a fucking ego battle with him. He HAS to be right. Its all or nothing there is no room for both people to have valid points or perspectives. And if I think something else... its like Im calling him stupid or saying Im better than him. Then the defensiveness rears its ugly head, which I LOATHE. Its just a different opinion half the time. Its fucking ridiculous. Everything is so black and white and absolute with him. Secondly, I feel like I am not getting the emotional consideration I deserve. Lately, there has been this trend of perpetual emotional blackmail. I feel bad. I am miserable in my life and marriage right now. But when I try to bring it up or want some kind of affection or really any indication that my feelings are heard or thought about its like "Im such a debbie downer I keep him from feeling motivated to try" God damnit that stuff pissed me off. He was away half this month doing his reserves training. I took the time to kind of breathe and try and regain some positive thoughts and actions towards him. I bought us tickets to a concert of a band we liked when we first started dating. I bought him an Ipod touch so that he could try to use some of the apps to help him stay organized with school and home life. I even bought him a replacement ring for our anniversary because his broke. And within days of him coming home its on me again. Its always on me. He is always trying. And I never see any of the results of this supposed action. When's the last time he had any kind of consideration like that for me? 

Anyway, I guess from where I sit right now. I don't see a lot of options. I believe I need to see out this pregnancy with him and that our recent move may allow us a little more space to bond and heal our relationship. But I don't expect any change. I really don't. I am making plans for our split so that when enough time has passed and enough things have settled that it can happen quickly and smoothly. I have no intention of dragging this out longer than I have to. But I do feel that my children deserve for their parents to put in a little extra effort to try and repair themselves than if they were not a consideration. I am glad that I am showing more follow through with my actions towards him. I am thinking some alternatives might be to get a bed for the extra bedroom for now so that when these nights happen or he doesnt follow through that I dont have to settle for the scratchy couch. 

MagicSandwich's picture

I could have written this

I could have written this. Word for word. And I don't know what to do either. It is impossible to have a face-to-face with my ADHD boyfriend about anything. He processes the world according to how things are going for him (never for anybody else) and he does this in 2-ply, splitting everything into equal parts right and wrong. He is right. Everybody else is wrong. Nothing ever just is.

When the world is being wrong to him (which is most of the time) he sets off broadcasting all the false reasons why he is in the right and why the people or things in the wrong are doing it to him intentionally. I am at the mercy of his day-to-day definition of "it" but believe me the "it" usually involves the normal consequences of his errors in judgment. Either that or "it" is something neutral that inspired a bad feeling or an object that got in his way (a tree branch; a red light) inspiring his deep anger.  Yesterday I accidentally shut the seat belt in the car door and had to open the door to get it loose, which meant my boyfriend had to pause in backing out of the driveway for exactly 5 extra seconds. In his ADHD mind this terrible five seconds extra for my seatbelt caused him to be late, which in turn caused his headache, and the headache ruined his concentration, which is the reason the fuel light came on precisely at the time when the nearest gas station was 15 miles away.  We were coasting on fumes in neutral for 2 miles all because I briefly closed my seatbelt in the car door and NOT because he was late coming out to the car (over an hour late) or that he fought my reasonable suggestions to stop and get gas before heading onto the expressway. He accused me of doing all of this on purpose!

The weekly meltdowns and Just So Stories and the raging blame are taking a toll on me. My boyfriend is medicated, but he still exercises very poor judgment in day-to-day things. The drugs do nothing to curb his emotional reactivity or bloated sense of entitlement. I'm not going to list the thoughtful things I do to make him know my feelings. Is there any point in defending myself? Things were good in the beginning. I feel so cut down.

Staying?

Hi MagicSandwich,

Just curious:  why are you staying in this relationship?  Not married, no kids, you weren't blindsided by a diagnosis after 20 years or so....  What keeps you in it?

You just seem like such a no-nonsense take-charge kind of person, that it surprises me.  Maybe I missed a post of yours where you explained it - sorry...  I miss a LOT of things!

This is exactly how

This is exactly how communication goes here - crazy-making and alienating.  I am sorry you are going through this at this time in your life.  I hope you have and/or find emotional/physical support people.

don't know what to put here... I'm ADD..

 

Well, she went off her meds 2 days ago and this morning was our first fight in about 2 months.. It was heaven while it lasted. You see, she has depression issues which sparks anger over the smallest things that turn into global decimation. I have ADD and can't remember 10 minutes ago much less, like many here, pick up my laundry, etc etc. I see it, I know it needs to be done, but that switch in my head doesn't move to the "do" position. I know she hates it, I hate it more, it's my head that doesn't work properly.

I am an Infantry Officer in the Army and my ADD has been a strong part of every decision that I have made. She is an accountant... numbers, exactness, specific type of stuff.. Are you getting my point now... She is, in my humble opinion, slightly OCD, while I am completely the opposite. I love her to death, but when we fight it's like "life failed" let's get a divorce!!!  This A.M. it was over who at the strawberries... Before I know it, she's crying and I go outside to mow the lawn. We suck at communication, I mean "real" communication. We have lots of fun otherwise. People actually follow us on facebook just to see what we post because we are always jabbing at each other, but like I said, when that obstacle appears such as the strawberries, that changes the whole dynamic INSTANTLY.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not trying to blame her for anything, I am a little more down to earth than that. *** i should be doing my homework right now but yet again, I succumb to the impulse to do something different, right now it's being on this site***

I have household projects that are part done all over the place. It's not that I lose interest, or is it? I am still interested in those things but there are other things that I want to do as well. I hate that I am this way... I take Bupropion for my ADD, Nexium for my stomach acid, Prazonsin for my flashbacks or PTSD or whatever ya wanna call it but as you see, there's a little more than ADD working against me here.  You could probably tell from my writing that I'm all over the place as well. I had a thought when I found this website, the reason I looked for it, and now my train of thought is flat lined.

Anyway, I hate ADD, I HATE OCD.. and I hate the fact that our mental processes clash!!!!