I have been lurking here for a while. My husband of 20 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive type. It took my leaving to get him into diagnosis and treatment. I have experienced many of the problems discussed here: his chronic unemployment and related financial problems, mental exhaustion and feeling like the only responsible adult in the house because he cannot seem to make or keep a to-do list, frustration and hopelessness, etc.
We are actually back together and optimistic now. I am working on limiting my attempts at control to my own behavior, and trying to understand more about his condition so I can see it as a disease and not a moral failing. He is really trying to remember things, back in school, etc. Unfortunately, he lives in a very rural area, where there is no one who can coach him, and the only psychiatrist within 100 miles who takes our insurance is...long story short...unhelpful. He tried Ritalin, which gave him more energy and helped him process his feelings, but was not really helpful with his ability to focus. I have been fortunate that he has rarely performed any of the externalizing behavior I've also seen on this forum; no affairs, no addictions, no abusive behavior, etc. (Some deflection/denial and emotional outbursts, but never nasty towards me). He always has treated me like a queen, which is the only reason I stayed for so long. Instead, he is socially withdrawn and full of self-loathing for having been a "failure" all his life. (He is on Wellbutrin for depression as well).
In the course of my research on his condition, I have run across something called SCT (Sluggish Cognitive Tempo), which may be a type of ADHD or possibly a different type of attention disorder. (If they are different, I think my poor husband has both). Symptoms include feeling sluggish and slow, both physically and mentally (not IQ, just processing speed), being prone to errors, being in a mental fog, and being shy/socially withdrawn. This describes my husband to a "T", along with the working memory and time orientation problems of ADHD. These characteristics have led my husband to feel that he has been a shy, lazy, clumsy failure his whole life, despite having an above-average IQ. (Being called those names by his sonofabitch stepfather as a child merely adds to the issues that he'll be working on in therapy. Sigh.)
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone on here has experienced the same issues and can offer help. He will be moving in a couple of months to be with me physically and geographically again, but in the mean time, working with any kind of expert is unrealistic. Any self-help strategies for coping would be helpful, or even anything to boost his self-confidence. My greatest fear is that he is so invested in seeing himself as a failure (and has no realistic experience with success), that he feels doomed to fail at his efforts to change and save our marriage, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thank you!