Because of the current state of my relationship with my husband, I do not feel like I can or should create or participate in any interaction that is not 100% necessary to living together. This is because I find the situation of living with my husband - of whom I have been faithful to, supportive of (mental, physically and financially), and encouraging to (for every thing he has ever tried to do) and have accepted and put up with consistent lying, and previous problems with porn and video games that control his life on top of him running away every time I have needed him in a crisis - becoming a business arrangement. This makes me extremely sad as I have a hard time pulling back and not doing things that support him in his stated goals.
Right now - there is an auction going on to benefit a friend who has cancer, and one of the auction items is 8 hours of private instruction with one of the premier fighters in my H's hobby (and someone who my H looks up to very much). As soon as I saw it I started to make a bid to present to him as a gift. But then I had to stop myself because of my non-intervention policy I have set for myself. (I will not intervene or participate in this marriage until he steps up and commits- I have given 7 years to him fully and in return I have gotten "I am not sure I want to be married" - so I am giving him what he wants).
It really made me sad to not do it. It would be so beneficial to him, and it would really help him in so many ways. But I cannot and will not do it. He doesn't follow through with his promises of practice at home, and I feel like this would end up being a waste, and frankly I am just not going to continue supporting him when its never returned to me. He can write his own story - with his own pen and his own pages with out my help or participation. It just makes me really sad as this is something I would have done with out hesitation just 2 months ago. Before that rage hit. Before I realized that it has been him controlling me for 7 years with those threats of "I am going to leave you" all the while acting as if *he* was the one being controlled. Well - he is, but only by his own whims and negativity - NOT ME.
I just wanted to vent. Not anger, not frustration - but vent that sadness. Its always a moment of pure joy for me to see him fight. Its a beautiful thing. Its one of my favorite things - because he becomes him. He doesnt even know it.