the smothering/ignoring rollercoaster can really hurt.

I love my partner. I am madly in love with my partner. But the untreated ADD that she has is toxic. She recognises that her own worklife is affected, and admits that out of everyone in her life I am most hurt by it - but then, she'll take the meds to help her at uni, but not in general to help us out.

She talks to the doctor about what I can do to help our relationship and the ADD hurdle, but her ego is so fragile she will never ask what she can do. In fact, I heard her talking to the doctor on Skype about her not wanting me to mention the ADD and her doctor validated that was how my partner felt by saying, "yes, ahum",  - but she told me that the doctor told her it was best that I dont mention ADD. Which is a lie, that hurt. But I didnt say anything I just said "ok", and i havent mentiuoned it since, because i want her to be happy.

I have been with her 2 years and we are engaged, but everyday I think about leaving her. She is unreliable. She doesnt take the ADD seriously. We can't talk. And she does things like, throw my stuff in the garbage because its convenient whilst she is on a rampant clean. 3 times she has spontaneously dropped her full time study - twice she dropped study to nil, and more recently she has dropped 75% of her study load. This has happened at the start of every year. She is project oriented - needs routine or feels completely hopeless. I love her to pieces but I can't hold my emotions together anymore - at first my emotions took a complete beating - but now i am almost emotionless.

I can't help that I love this person, everyone who knows me laughs at the fact i want this woman to wed me. They say she is good fun, but i cant trust her.
I'm so lonely because one second i am being smothered and the next week i am being completely ignored.

Is anyone else in my position????

You have found the right place...

I'm an ADDer diagnosed at 43 and 3 years into my treatment. The thing you describe are very typical ADD behaviors and the problem is that you can support her, but not Fix her. Just by being here and trying to learn something about ADD is huge, so give yourself a Pat on Back. Low self-esteem is at the core of most ADDer's, so she may be grieving the diagnosis. After my diagnosis, I was elated that there was an explanation for so many of my behaviors, on the other hand, I have a Brain Disorder?!? I reacted well to Adderall and things immediately began to improve for me. Sometimes it takes a while to get the right med and dosage, so give her feedback. Many of the extended release meds are pretty much gone after 8 hours, so if the ADDer's day begins at 5am the benefits are waning by mid afternoon and certainly no benefit when you are with her in the evenings. Some doctors will add an additional quick release stimulant to take as a supplemental dose to help with the evenings. I prefer good old generic quick release Adderall because I can adapt my dosage based on the day. You have to remember to take the 2nd and 3rd dose, which can challenge some.

Repitition, structure and a smartphone full of dates, tasks and most important Alarm Reminders can also be an important help.

Best wishes...

YYZ, thank you. Did you

YYZ, thank you.

Did you experience any denial? I feel that a lot of the time my partner denies the effect of A.d.d and finds it far easier to blame me.
I feel it is my fault because I am in a relationship with her, and considering she is struggling with the diagnosis of A.d.d i think she would feel better if she did not have me around. She says she walks on egg shells - but if she took her medication and saw a therapist and would go to couples counselling, we wouldnt be in the position where i am smothered and rejected one after another, surely?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I apologise for ranting. I dont know where to go for help.

Is denial a major theme for other people?

Denial is common...

Denial, deflection and blame are common in ADDer's because of being wrong so many times in our lives, many times never intending to hurt anyone, forget something important, be oblivious and so on. The ADDer desperately does not want to feel responsible again and tends to reach for some way to make it Not our fault. It is like a form of self-protection and a terrible coping skill. As far as being in denial myself, nobody ever suggested that I had ADD until my diagnosis at age 43. I had Terrible self-esteem issues and finding out about ADD was such a relief to me. Reading about ADD and seeing that the weird ways I thought of things were not just my choices that I could not seem to stop. It was still pretty tough to come to terms with the fact that I had a disorder that would always be with me. The good news was Adderall worked really well for me and I felt like I could make big changes in the future of myself and my family.

Don't worry about any rants, I do them quite a bit myself ;) You have found a place that offers great support. Your wife (Right?) has to come to terms with her ADD and hopefully she will try the meds and get counseling to help work through this. The more you understand ADD, the more you can be able to separate the shitty ADD traits from the person you love. 

Response to smothering/ignoring.....

Dear annablue,

If you find yourself frustrated now after such a short relationship you have no idea how long the years will be later after marriage and kids.  My advice is simple, do not marry an ADHD person who doesn't recognize their 'issue' AND who is not actively in counseling with an ADHD specialist.  It is better for them and you if you walk away.  Sure it will hurt but nothing like the emptiness, lonliness, confusion, exhaustion that you will feel for the rest of your life .   My spouse of 28 years is textbook ADHD but is not getting help.  He says that adder all just made him angry.  He won't go to the dr, won't exercise, won't eat right, ignores the family but says he doesn't, ignores me but declares I am the love of his life, he does hold down a good job but while I work I do nearly everything at home and had most of the responsibility for the kids. You do not want this life.  My son fell in love with an ADHD r and I prayed daily that it would end......she was awful to him .....a roller coaster .....it pained me to watch and reminded me of what I live daily.   Their relationship ended.....I am so happy.  Yes.....he was deeply hurt but a year later sees clearly that she needs help but just doesn't pursue that route.    I do not mean to be harsh......but non ADHD people struggle too and have th admit we need help and do things we don't want to do and I do not think it is asking too much for te ADHD r to do the same.   To not expect that is enabling them to be their worst.

 

Don't marry her, please find a nice normal girl.  Don't ride the roller coaster it won't be fun for long.